Closer
by roxierocks
Summary: That's what Ryan does. He protects Seth. But how much longer can he be Seth's knight in shining armor when all he wants to do is bend him backwards over the kitchen table. Knights aren't supposed to do that. Are they? Slash.
1. Me Vs The World

Disclaimer: All characters, places, etc are property of Josh Schwarz and Warner Bros.

Warning: This is slash. Don't like it? Don't read it.

A/n: I started writing this story quite a while ago and wanted to get it finished before I started posting, but have completely lost all inspiration so figured I might as well put it out there. It's set in season one, a couple of weeks after "The Proposal". Admittedly, I am taking liberties with the time scale, and pretending that Julie and Caleb's wedding is more than two weeks away. More like two months. Plus there's no Theresa. I've rated it Pg-13, but if at any point you have a complaint Please Tell Me. I don't need another story being taken down (grrrr). Oh yeah, and I couldn't decide which tense to right it in, so I thought I'd mix them up. I think it kinda works. Am attempting to put in page breaks and, yay, new title!

"_And in case you haven't noticed, and in case you haven't heard it's just me against the world. And the world is winning." -Halo Friendlies_

Seth knows it will be one of those days.

It reminds him of what they said in that tennis movie they saw last week (the one that made Marissa cry because it had an overly slushy, totally predictable ending) about things just not seeming quite right.

It's small, silly things. The way Captain Oats has fallen over on his side when Seth wakes, and Seth knows he couldn't have deliberately left him like that because it looks uncomfortable and undignified and not so nice for a horse.

Or the fact that his vintage Coca Cola t-shirt is in the laundry, and although it isn't his favourite t-shirt he just felt like it should be clean and dry and ready for him to wear, not screwed up in a dirty pile somewhere and definitely unwearable, if what he remembers spilling down it last week is any indication.

And there isn't any cereal left in the box because he'd snagged a midnight snack whilst playing Playstation when he couldn't sleep, and Ryan has left early for school with Marissa without bothering to tell him, and his Dad can't take him to school because he has an important meeting, which means Seth will be extraordinarily late if he doesn't, like, run all the way there, and Seth's never been so good with the running.

"Why don't you take the bus?"

Seth raises his eyebrows in obvious disbelief.

"Dad, does the bus even go to Harbour? I mean, I've been going there, what, three years now, or whatever, and I don't believe I've ever seen a bus in the parking lot. Harbour doesn't need a bus. Buses are for poor, delinquent, normal people who don't have millionaire parents to buy them soft tops, SUVs and motorcycles, therefore making them not in need of buses."

Sandy, a cup of coffee halfway to his lips, the other hand holding the morning paper, grins.

"Well. Aren't you glad we didn't buy you a car?"

Seth calls Summer for a ride.

Summer looks beautiful.

He can't stop the way his heart still lifts slightly at the sight of her. He guesses it must be programmed into his natural bodily functions or something, because his heart has never stopped lifting, even after the endless time spent making out became endless time spent talking and laughing and less and less touching and kissing until the dates were no longer really dates but hanging out at the movies and the mall and the Crab Shack and the pool house and it was almost as if he'd never loved her at all.

He knows this isn't true, now, as he looks at her in the morning sun -hair, clothes, makeup perfect- that he did love her, for a long time, too long perhaps, and his heart will never stop lifting, but it lifts now in companionship and friendship as opposed to lust and love. Seth thinks he likes it better this way, although he finds it hard to remember what it was like before anyway, so he supposes it doesn't really matter that much.

He was always like this.

Quick to adapt, to change, to move with the motions. He can barely remember his old life now, what he likes to call (when he bothers to call it anything) his 'pre-Ryan life'. He doesn't really remember the water polo team peeing in his shoes or the angry fistfights or the mutters of "queer". Life is 'post-Ryan' now. And life post-Ryan is good.

As they pull into the parking lot, Seth thinks maybe he's forgotten the weird feeling he had when he woke up. So what if he knocked Captain Oats over before he went to bed? So what if Ryan didn't wait for him? It doesn't matter so much in the grand scheme of things, not as if, say, they suddenly announced an asteroid was about wipe out California. Now that might be a problem. But as far as Seth knows, no asteroid is about to pummel the O.C. into a dead, barren wasteland (or would that be a molten lava wasteland?) so he thinks he can pretty much rest easy.

He can't, but he doesn't realise this until he and Summer have parted ways, and by then it's too late to call her back and he is startlingly, terrifyingly alone.

* * *

Ryan isn't quite sure what sparked such a stunningly bad mood, but everything this morning is pissing him off.

Marissa is pissing him off.

She keeps going on about how much she hates living with her mom again, even though Ryan can't do anything about it. Every now and then she'll stop and give him this wounded look and he says something vaguely sympathetic and she'll continue about just how Unfair her life is.

Seth's pissing him off.

This is a pretty spectacular feat, as Seth is not even in the car with them, but if he was then Ryan wouldn't have to listen to Marissa because Seth would be talking a mile a minute instead, and Marissa wouldn't be able to get a word in edge ways. He ponders the fact that if Seth really _were_ in the car with them, then he would probably piss Ryan off anyway because his incessant chatter would be getting on Ryan's nerves. Go figure.

When Ryan gets to school, the whole building just seems to piss him off, not to mention the people in it, and he seriously considers just skipping school for the day. But then he imagines how disappointed Sandy and Kirsten would be if they ever found out. This pisses him off most of all.

He dutifully walks Marissa to her locker and brushes a strand of hair affectionately from her face, trying to tell himself that it isn't her fault she's had to move back in with her heinous mother and that he's the only one she can talk to about it.

She smiles and leans toward him, brushing his lips with her own.

"Meet me for lunch?" she asks, and he nods, partly because she expects him to, and partly because he thinks maybe he can take her mind off her mom and they can talk about something, anything, which doesn't make her words blur into one, incessant stream of chatter that he has learned to tune out.

He reaches homeroom and immediately notices that Seth isn't there, and finds that that _really_ pisses him off. He questions vaguely where he can be, but when Seth stumbles in two minutes after the bell rings, his books clutched slightly awkwardly under one arm, he refuses to meet Ryan's eye and Ryan wonders if Seth is mad about this morning, which just serves to piss to him off even more.

Seth shoots out of his chair as soon as the bell goes, and Ryan notices the slight lurch as he stands up too quickly but thinks nothing of it, too intent on brooding over the fact that Seth shouldn't be mad at him, _he_ should be mad at _Seth_, although he can't quite think of a good reason why.

He drifts through his classes, participating where necessary, but mostly just being quiet, the way he always is. He meets Marissa for lunch and they eat their sandwiches and talk about throwing a beach party, until Marissa comments bitterly how her mom "would just love that" and it's back to the incessant loop and he's tuning her out and wishing he could be anywhere but here.

And then he sees Seth.

Seth is alone, and he is walking slightly funny. Almost as if he's got a limp. But Ryan was pretty sure Seth didn't have a limp when they went to bed last night. He's pretty sure he would have noticed a limp. He notices most things, like the fact that Seth isn't wearing his bag strap across his chest, but hanging it from one shoulder so that it bangs his knees as he walks, and his books are still tucked under his arm, not hugged in both the way they usually are. He notices, too, that Seth seems kind of nervous, his eyes darting around as if looking for something.

And then he starts to get a sick, suspicious feeling in his stomach.

Here's the thing with Ryan. He has a bit of a hero complex.

He likes to save people. Likes to protect them. He wants to protect Marissa. He's wanted to protect her since she told him she was angry when she took him and Seth to Kirsten's model home. Since she looked so uncomfortable when Seth informed her that no, she had never done anything to him, never said anything to him, ever. Since he saw her eyes filled with shock and tears as her dad borrowed money from Kirsten. But mostly since he saw her passed out in her own driveway, abandoned by her friends, alone. He wants to protect her from herself.

Wanting to protect Marissa isn't like wanting to protect Seth.

He doesn't want to protect Seth from himself. He doesn't need to protect Seth from himself.

He needs to protect Seth from the world.

He wants to punch anyone who's ever laughed at Seth, who's ever shoved him or ignored him or called him queer. Seth is special, even if Ryan is the only one who can see it. Seth is better than anyone he has ever known, worth ten of anyone at Harbour, anyone in Newport. Seth is extraordinary.

Seth is the only person Ryan has ever known that has looked at him without judging him. Right from the very start, when he offered him his stupid game pad, he never judged. Just looked, accepted and moved on. Seth is the most accepting, forgiving person in the world.

So when Ryan recognises the slight limp that he hasn't seen for months now, the stiff movement of his body, the awkward way Seth holds himself, he feels the sickness turn to a sudden, white hot flash of rage and he is on his feet, calling Seth's name through the lunch crowd, Marissa abandoned behind him.

He sees Seth stiffen, almost imperceptibly, but Ryan can read Seth each and every way, and he knows that Seth knows it's Ryan yet is still quickening his pace.

Almost as if Ryan is the one he is afraid of.

* * *

Seth Cohen didn't like his life.

It hadn't always been this way…oh wait a minute, it pretty much had. Seth had always been bullied, always been made fun of, always been alone. He learned to deal with it. Nothing to it really.

Then Ryan came along and suddenly Seth had a friend.

And not just any friend, but a tough, buff, butt-kicking friend who pretty much went around hitting anyone who was mean to Seth (which was pretty cool, considering they'd only known each other for, like, five minutes) and suddenly everyone was not so mean. Suddenly there were girls and there was Summer, the girl he'd liked before he liked girls, and everything was peachy. Post-Ryan. Batman and Robin. Ketchup and Eggs. Kitana and Mileena (except not girls, and not, uh, hating each other, so then again maybe not so Kitana and Mileena. Hmm.) Anyway, the point was life got better. Seth was no longer (too much of) a social outcast.

So what he couldn't figure out was, what had changed.

Sure, he and Summer broke up (if you could call it that. It was more a sort of slow ebbing that finally just…disappeared) but they were still friends, they still hung out. It wasn't as if she'd started ignoring him again or calling him names. It wasn't like before.

And yet it was. Because his ribs hurt with every breath due to a few well-aimed punches and under his sweater his shirt was all dirty due to lying face up in the mud whilst some jock decided to use his stomach as a football.

And _man_ that hurt.

Seth wasn't really that wild about lunch hour. Pre-Ryan he used to spend it hiding in the bathroom, avoiding the wrath of scary football and water polo players. Post-Ryan he'd spent it, well, _with _Ryan, until Ryan had become RyanandMarissa and Seth had (eventually) become SethandSummer and then it was spent making out. A lot.

But now. Now Ryan was still RyanandMarissa but Seth was no longer SethandSummer and there wasn't any Anna and Seth wasn't entirely sure what to do.

What he _did_ know to do was not go near the football or water polo players as he didn't particularly want a reprise of that morning's pretty display. Not as pretty as the fireworks at Disneyland, but still, he was sure the football/water polo players must have enjoyed it.

What he also knew was to stay away from Ryan, because Ryan could spot the evidence of a fight at, like, a thousand metres, and Seth really didn't want Ryan to know the other kids were beating on him again. It was bad enough that Seth couldn't stand up for himself, but having to have Ryan stand up on his behalf? La-me. Not that he'd complained in the past, of course, but still. Then again, he didn't think Robin minded so much when Batman stood up for him. They pretty much watched each other's backs. Except for that one thing with Poison Ivy, but that was the film, which totally sucked. He didn't really think George Clooney had the right edge for Batman. Val? Yes. Micheal? Definitely. George? Nuh uh. He was just too smiley. And then there was that thing with Alicia Silverstone. What was _that_ all about? 'Cause, really, if you're gonna have Batgirl-

"Seth!"

Oh Crap.

Ryan radar was on, and it sounded like he was angry. Or suspicious. Or maybe a bit of both.

Trying surreptitiously to quicken his steps without looking like he heard, Seth began to head towards the east entrance, where perhaps he could escape to the bathroom. Or not. The library then. There was always studying to do, though Seth did prefer to leave that until the last minute, where possible. Still, a little studying at lunch couldn't do much harm, could it? Perhaps he could find Summer. If there was one thing he knew about Summer it was that she was always looking for someone to study with. Preferably someone cute with loads of money, but oh well, Seth would have to-

"Hey man, why'd you run away? Didn't you hear me calling?"

Seth forced himself not to grimace, and instead turned around with a winning smile, sweeping his book-laden arm towards Ryan in a grand gesture.

"Ryan, my main man. How was lunch with Marissa? You guys looked pretty cosy? She still upset about her mom? I was just going to the library to study, speaking of which, have you seen Summer? I was gonna ask for her fair company, if, you know, she'll be seen with me in public. No? Okay then, gotta jet. Later, dude."

_Smooth, smooth talking, Cohen._

"Seth, wait."

Ryan put a hand on his shoulder, effectively hampering his speedy exit.

_Damn. _

"I wanted to talk to you," Ryan said. He had that serious look in his eyes, and Seth really hated that look.

"What was up this morning? You were really late."

"I had to walk," Seth lied. "I thought Dad would give me a lift, but, uh, not happening so I had to walk and I was late. Sorry I ran outta there so fast, man, but you know how I love trigonometry."

He wasn't buying it. So totally not buying it.

"Marissa said Summer gave you ride."

_Busted._

"Uh, she did, but I had to go back because I left my book for said trig class on the kitchen table, so I went home for it. Hence, I was late."

Oh, he _really_ wasn't buying it.

Ryan gave a small sigh and took a step closer.

"What's going on, Seth?"

Seth felt the very distinct beginning of a light sweat break out across his upper lip.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing. Except my need to be in the library. Studying. With Summer. So, if you see her, yeah. Gotta go."

Ryan let him leave this time, and Seth breathed a sigh of relief.

The relief didn't last long when he turned the corner and ran headlong into the captain of the water polo team.

* * *

Ryan knows _something_ is going on.

He hates it when Seth lies to him. Seth's afraid. Of what? Him?

Ryan runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

How can he help Seth if Seth won't tell him what the problem is?

How can he protect Seth if he doesn't know _who_ Seth needs protecting from?

And then he hears a very distinct voice say "Queer!" from the direction Seth has just disappeared in.

* * *

God, Seth hated water polo players.

He didn't know why they had this seemingly fascinated fascination with him. He wasn't quite sure what made him so special to have the delights of their undivided attention. And he definitely didn't like it.

Brad was an asshole. Seth knew that. But at that moment, that asshole had Seth pinned against the wall with a not so nice smile on his face.

"Fucking queer," he spat.

Inwardly, Seth sighed. They could never come up with anything original.

"So I've been told," he said breezily. "And can I ask to what pleasure do I owe your exclusive attention today Brad? Because I must say, it really is surprising after all this time. I mean-"

"Shut it Cohen," snapped Brad, shoving Seth hard in the chest and causing him to drop his ill balanced books.

Brad smiled –again, not so nice- and purposely placed his foot on top of Seth's chemistry folder, pressing down until they both heard the unmistakable _snap_ of the spine and ring binder inside.

"Queer," Brad said again, a little louder this time, and Seth resisted a strong urge to roll his eyes. He wished Brad would get on with whatever unimaginative thing he was going to bestow on Seth today, so Seth could leave, already.

"Your white trash boyfriend isn't here to save you now, Cohen."

Seth felt kind of pissed off when he heard that. Sure, Ryan may be from Chino, but he wasn't white trash, and, if he ever was, he wasn't anymore, was he? He lived in Newport, like every other idiot in the school. Including Brad. Hello?

Plus, why did they always refer to Ryan as his boyfriend? Ryan was very obviously with Marissa in a completely non-platonic, very much sexual way, just as he had, until recently, been with Summer. Yet, still with the boyfriend cracks.

"Actually," snapped a voice from behind Brad, "that's where you're wrong."

And before Seth could move or breathe or both, Ryan's fist was on Brad's nose, and Brad's foot was no longer on Seth's chemistry folder and everything was looking peachy again.

Except for the fact that Ryan now knew Seth was being bullied again and had to stick up for him again in a less Batman/Robin and more of a Popeye/Olive Oyle way, and that wasn't so peachy.

Brad looked like he might hit Ryan back, but at that moment they heard good old Dr Kim around the front of the building and Brad gave Ryan what was supposed to be a death glare then scarpered.

Real macho.

Ryan sighed as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders (yeah, Seth could so totally see how _Ryan_ had the huge problem right now) and gave Seth a steady look before bending down to pick up the fallen books and ruined chemistry folder. When he stood up, books in hand, he gave Seth another look.

Seth held up his hands in mock surrender.

"Dude, what?"

For a moment he saw a flash of anger in Ryan's eyes, then it was gone and he simply said "come on" before leading Seth inside, Seth's books still in his arms.

Ryan took Seth to the men's restroom and, after making sure no one was inside, barricaded the door, setting Seth's books on the washstand.

"Take off your sweater," he said.

Seth nearly choked.

"Uh, why?"

"Just do it," snapped Ryan, and Seth obeyed because he'd just seen Ryan beat the shit out of Brad, and was slightly wary of him right now, though not exactly afraid, 'cause this _was_ Ryan and Ryan didn't hurt Seth.

"Now your shirt."

This time Seth really did choke.

Okay, so he'd never exactly got that vibe from Ryan, what with the whole RyanandMarissa thing, but it had suddenly occurred to Seth that when Brad called Ryan his "white trash boyfriend" Ryan hadn't exactly denied it. And, oh God, hadn't he locked the door when they came?

"Uh, Ryan…"

"What?" Ryan asked, a slight impatience discernible in his tone.

"I, uh…"

For once Seth thought he might be lost for words, which wasn't something that happened to him, well, ever, but Ryan was coming onto him in the boy's bathroom after rescuing him from a mean water polo player and, oh good grief was this some kind of perverse damsel in distress thing? Was Ryan trying to fulfil some kind of weird fantasy and using Seth as his plaything?

"For God's sake, Seth, I just want to see how bruised you are."

How…how _bruised_ he was?

Oh.

Ryan was giving Seth a really weird look, and Seth realised his fingers were shaking slightly as he reached for his shirt buttons and then suddenly he laughed because, well, the idea of Ryan coming onto him was completely ridiculous.

Ryan laid a hand on his arm and Seth nearly jumped out of his skin.

"You okay, man?"

"Yeah, no, I just thought that, um, what I mean to say is that when you, I, that is, uh…I'm fine. Really" he added, at Ryan's disbelieving eyebrow raise.

The damage wasn't too bad. There was a distinct ovally sort of shoe shaped bruise halfway up his right ribs that was coming up very nicely, and hurt like hell when Ryan poked it.

"Ow! Way to be gentle, Ryan."

Ryan didn't say anything, frowning at the lighter, round bruises that were on Seth's stomach. Fist marks.

When Ryan stepped back, his jaw had gone all tight, and, oh dear, Seth recognised that "lets save the world by kicking the shit out of everybody" look Ryan sometimes got.

"It's no big deal," he said.

Ryan's eyes flared.

"Yeah, right. No big deal when you get the crap kicked out of you for the first time in months, so bad you can't even carry your books properly. No biggie."

Seth reached for his sweater.

"Okay, enough with the sarcasm. That is my area. And it really isn't. A big deal. This happened all the time pre-Ryan. I can deal."

Ryan suddenly looked tired and annoyed and exasperated.

"But you shouldn't have to deal, Seth. That's my point."

That "lets save the world" look flashed again. Seth was pretty sure Batman had never had that particular look. Or Popeye. Popeye used spinach to save the world. Definitely _not_ Popeye.

"I will kill Brad."

Oh dear.

"No," Seth quickly intervened. "You will not, 'cause then you go back to juvie and I would be all pre-Ryan again, and those were not good times, my buddy."

"Worse than today?" he challenges.

"Chyah," Seth replied, hardly believing he just used the expression 'chyah' which was unbelievably girly. "'Cause, you know, pre-Ryan there was no, well, Ryan to hit the water polo players when the water polo players hit me."

Seth really, really hated water polo players.

For a moment Ryan didn't move, but then a smiled a tiny, rueful smile and shook his head.

"We'll work something out," he said quietly.

"Of course we will," Seth replied. "Dude, we are Batman and Robin. We are eggs and ketchup."

Ryan shot him a sideways glance as he opened the door. "Ketchup, huh?"

"Most definitely. Though I'll tell you what we are definitely not. We are definitely not Popeye and Olive Oyle. Though you do kind of have Popeye-esque arms. Do you eat spinach?"

Ryan shook his head again. "Seth, you are one weird dude."

Seth smiled, and wondered whether he should mention Kitana and Mileena.

* * *

Ryan was lying on his back in the pool house, staring at the ceiling as he counted to a thousand.

_Three hundred and forty two._

He'd decided that it was definitely Luke's fault.

If he hadn't gone to Portland to live with his dad, the jocks wouldn't be picking on Seth again. Of course, Ryan doubted that Luke had really wanted to go to Portland, and if Julie Cooper hadn't broken his heart then maybe he wouldn't have left. Or if Julie hadn't led him on in the first place. In fact, Ryan decided the world would probably just be a much better place without Julie Cooper (soon to be Nicol) in it.

_Four hundred and twelve._

Ryan tried very hard not to think about what he wanted to do to Brad. How he wanted to squeeze his stupid water polo playing neck.

_Four hundred and seventy eight._

What really pissed him off was that Seth hadn't even wanted to tell him. Seth hadn't wanted him to know.

_Five hundred and three._

Marissa had been angry at him for ditching her at lunch, but Ryan couldn't exactly

explain because Seth made him promise not to tell anybody, especially not Summer or Marissa, so now Marissa thought he was hiding something from her and wouldn't speak to him.

_Six hundred and twenty two._

The thing with Seth though. It _bothered_ him, it pissed him off in a way that seriously outmatched the feeling he had had earlier. He wanted to slam his fist through the window of the pool house.

_Seven hundred and eighty three._

He didn't understand why the jocks picked on Seth. There were plenty of kids who

were geekier, weirder, stranger than Seth. So why him?

_Eight hundred and five._

God, he hated feeling so useless.

"What's up man?"

Ryan didn't raise his head at Seth's greeting.

_Eight hundred and sixty six._

"So anyway," Seth was saying. "I'm gonna go over to Summer's and study 'cause we've got this, like, giant math test tomorrow, which totally sucks by the way, but Mr Geare was all like "this test will stretch your limit of quadrilateral equations" as if anyone actually cares."

_Nine hundred and fifty two. _

"So, I'll probably stay at hers and eat, if that's okay with you. You can ask Marissa over or something. Hey, is everything okay with you two, 'cause I noticed in fifth that conversation looked pretty, you know, strained."

"She's not talking to me."

_Nine hundred and ninety four._

"Oh, bummer. What d'ya do this time? Did you buy her tapioca for lunch, 'cause Summer always hated it when I bought her tapioca."

_One thousand._

"Why don't you ask Summer over here?"

"Um, because you hate her?"

Ryan sighed. "I don't hate her."

"Yeah, whatever dude."

"Seth, I really need to talk to you."

Seth was silent for a split second, which told Ryan that Seth knew exactly what he wanted to talk about.

"There's really no need. I'm fine. You're fine. Everything's great."

"Seth."

"Seriously. I am finer than Newport beach on an August holiday. I'm finer than the chocolate sprinkles on ice-cream. I'm finer that Summer's freshly waxed legs."

"You're babbling."

"Your point being?"

Ryan sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Just stay man, we can play Playstation, hang out, whatever."

Seth looked a little panicky.

"But Summer-"

"Summer can study here."

Seth narrowed his eyes. "Are you trying to keep an eye on me?"

Ryan sighed again. "Maybe I just want to hang out."

"Yeah right."

"Seth-"

"I really have to go, Ryan. And I don't really want to have this 'talk' with you, not now or ever. God what are you, my dad? I'm outta here."

Seth turned and walked out of the pool house, an angry stiffness to his shoulders. Ryan didn't think he'd ever seen Seth _angry _at him before.

So he did the only thing he could. He called Summer.

* * *

Summer watches Ryan watching Seth watching T.V.

Summer is smarter than she likes to pretend.

It's fun studying with guys, batting her eyelashes and giggling and tracing her lips with the end of her pencil. She likes brushing her arm against theirs when they both reach for the eraser. She likes turning Study time into Make Out time.

Summer doesn't like serious things.

She doesn't like pain and angst and sadness. She likes getting a smoothie at the mall and lying on her sun lounger and painting her toenails. She hides behind gossip and rumours and whispers. She pretends not to be able to get As in science and not to be able to read people. She gets Bs instead, and acts dumb when someone asks her what so and so is thinking about them.

Summer knows.

Watching Ryan watching Seth, she wonders if Ryan knows.

Probably. But he'll push it to the back of his mind, take it out to brood over once in a while, then put it away again. That's what Ryan's like.

She wonders if Seth knows.

Doubtful. Seth is uniquely innocent in some aspects, not, she suspects, because he has to be, but because he wants to be, because he likes retaining some of his child like qualities. Summer likes it too.

And she knows _Ryan_ likes it, knows he likes seeing things in Seth that he could never see in himself, and knows that's why Ryan will never say anything, never do anything, just let it die down, away, until he barely has to think about it any more.

Summer wonders if she should intervene, but decides no, she won't. She'll sit back and let this one run its course.

And if that course is too slow? _Then_ she'll intervene.

* * *

Seth didn't believe that he'd ever been quite so mad at Ryan in his whole post-Ryan life.

It was bad enough when Ryan had tried to 'talk' to him, but then he deliberately went behind Seth's back and changed Seth's plans. _Seth's _plans, not Ryan's, _Seth's._

So here they were, Seth and Summer, not at Summer's house, but at Seth's because he'd only been walking five minutes when Summer roared up in her car, and demanded that he get in because she had a sudden urge to play Grand Theft Auto. Which was possibly the most stupid excuse he had ever heard in his life, from Summer or otherwise, because everyone knew Summer hated playstation, especially games in which you stole cars and killed people.

And guess who else was with them?

Ryan, naturally, and not only was he with them (uninvited) but he had been staring at Seth throughout the entire movie, which Seth knew because he had a weird tingly feeling on the back of his neck which could only be attributed to Ryan's eyes, as Summer would never stare at him for that long for no apparent reason.

Seth seriously felt like turning around and shouting "no one's gonna beat me up in here, Ryan. Unless you suddenly feel the urge, of course."

However, that would definitely cause more trouble that it was worth, so Seth pretended not to feel the eyes, and concentrated on Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck's attempt to save the world wondering why oh why the movie had had to be Summer's choice.

It came as rather a relief when Bruce finally died and Ben and Liv finally got to be together and Seth could finally stand, fake a nice big yawn and say "Well that was fun, but I'm beat so I'm gonna go to the land of nice dreams and comfortable pillows."

Summer gave him a weird look.

"Seth, it's like eight thirty. God, you're seventeen, not seventy."

Seth kind of wished he _was_ seventy, 'cause he doubted he'd still be being beaten up at seventy. Then again, knowing his luck.

"Besides," Summer said. "You still need to help me study."

Seth rolled his eyes.

"We can study upstairs," he said. "I'm sure math will just as scintillating in the walls of my bedroom as it would be down here. Come on."

He extended his hand to Summer and pulled her from the floor, where she'd been lying.

"Chino," Summer said, turning to Ryan. "You coming?"

"Um no," Seth intervened, not looking at Ryan. "Ryan can't because Ryan is meeting Marissa. It's just us I'm afraid." He swung an arm around Summer's shoulders and began leading her from the room. "You will just have to put up with my exquisite Cohen charm."

"Ew, gross Cohen. God, you act like we're still dating."

Seth laughed, manoeuvring her towards the stairs. "As much as I would love to grant you the dearest wish of your heart, I'm afraid that is just not possible."

Summer elbowed him in the ribs, and Seth tried very hard not to gasp as her arm hit his bruise.

"Cohen?"

She stopped suddenly and looked at him.

"Seth, are you okay? You've gone sort of green."

"No he's not."

Seth cursed inwardly and wished Ryan would concentrate on his own life and stop trying to ruin Seth's.

"I'm fine," he ground out, meeting Ryan's eyes with a stubborn glare.

Ryan didn't say anything, just stared steadily back at him.

Summer looked between them, getting more and more confused.

"Hello? Would someone please tell me what's going on here?"

Seth forced himself to look away.

"What's going on here is Ryan was just leaving to call Marissa whilst you and I continue our exciting journey upstairs to study math."

Ryan took a step forward.

"Seth," he began, and his voice was all low and apologetic and _concerned._

Seth took a step backward, away from Ryan, toward the stairs.

"Later, man," he said. Then he turned tail and ran.

* * *

Ryan stood and stared after Seth a minute, then turned away.

"You should go and talk to him," he said.

"Maybe you should talk to him, Ryan," Summer replied. "Get some stuff off your chest."

Ryan looked at her so fast she thought he might get whiplash.

"Excuse me?" he asked.

Summer smiled breezily, forgetting her earlier resolve not to get involved.

"I just think there might be a thing or two you want to tell him, that's all."

"What are you talking about?"

She rolled her eyes impatiently.

"God, I'm not gonna spell it out for you, Chino."

When Ryan didn't say anything more she rolled her eyes again.

"Whatever. Thanks for a_ fabulous_ evening."

She turned and walked out of the Cohen front door toward her car, climbing in and slipping the key into the ignition.

Well, she certainly gave him something to think about.

* * *

Ryan doesn't talk to Seth.

He stands outside his door and even raises his hand to knock, but then he turns and walks back to the pool house, where he lies on the bed, stares at the ceiling and begins counting to a thousand.


	2. I Was A Kaleidoscope

a/n: thanks for the reviews from the last chapter. As you can see, I changed the title because I thought the other one was a bit lame and cheesy. And no, it has nothing to do with the film, it's named after a song (kudos if you can guess which!) Once again, this is slash (or will be) if you don't like it, don't read it! Hope you enjoy and please review.

"_And it's the look that you're giving me that tells me exactly what you are thinking: 'This ain't working anymore.'" –Death Cab For Cutie_

Ryan isn't quite sure how long he has felt this way.

He's always felt protective, of course, ever since that first fight on the beach, but this isn't just protectiveness.

He knows he's not gay, because he likes holding Marissa, like kissing her and having sex with her, and he likes catching the odd glimpse of Summer's breasts when she wears something low cut.

He doubts he's bi, because he's never felt the slightest urge to be with another man. It's just...Seth.

Seth makes him want to do things he's never thought of doing before.

Not weird sexual things or anything. Just laugh at nothing. He's never wanted to laugh at nothing before.

Seth makes him want to be nicer, softer, gentler. Seth makes him want to kiss someone who isn't Marissa.

Seth makes Ryan want to kiss Seth.

He's sure a psychiatrist would have a field day with this, but to Ryan it isn't particularly complicated. He's just a tiny little bit in love with Seth Cohen.

To Ryan it seems completely natural and right and as long as he never says or does anything about it, it will stay that way.

* * *

Marissa was having possibly the worst day of her life.

Ryan hadn't called.

He should have. He should have called to apologise for leaving her at lunch and then lying about it. He should have called to say he was sorry and that he loved her. He should have called to say Sandy and Kirsten were out later and she could sneak over so they could have make up sex.

But he hadn't.

She was annoyed, sure, but deeper than that lay a kind of dormant fear, the same fear which had settled there since five minutes after he kissed her on the pier and that was that, they were together again. But it had never been easy for them, and Marissa was afraid Ryan would suddenly turn around and realise that, actually, she wasn't that worth it after all, and they would be better off 'just friends'.

Marissa hated that expression.

Seriously, who stayed 'just friends' after they had been ditched?

When Marissa had gone next door to offer Ryan a lift to school, Sandy gently informed her that he and Seth had already left, and looked at her with a sort of pity in his eyes, as if he knew that they had had a fight, and that today might possibly be The Day.

Marissa certainly thought today could be The Day.

She had dressed carefully that morning, choosing an attractive, colorful outfit that would grab Ryan's attention, show him that she really was worth holding on to. She had blow dried and straightened her hair, put on a little make up -but not too much, sprayed Ryan's favourite scent. She felt ready.

Ryan was waiting by her locker.

She put on a breezy smile when she saw him, and leaned in to kiss his cheek, gratified when he kissed her in return and looped an arm around her back, thinking that perhaps she'd been wrong after all, that today wasn't really The Day, that they were going to be fine.

"We need to talk."

Marissa felt herself freeze, her smile slipping slightly before she could be nonchalant about it, shrug and say "Sure, I'll meet you at lunch.", because she hated the phrase 'we need to talk' even more than 'just friends' and as clichéd as it sounded, it really could only mean one thing.

He squeezed her hand gently then left.

Marissa skipped first period, went into the girl's bathroom and drank five shots of vodka.

* * *

Ryan was dreading lunch. He couldn't believe he'd got himself into such a stupid mess. Because he really liked Marissa, he did, it was just it was so _hard_, and they were only seventeen, it shouldn't be hard. It should be fun and free and careless.

Kind of like how it would be with Seth.

He ran his hands through his hair as the second hand on the clock moved a step nearer to the twelve.

Eighteen minutes.

"Mr Atwood. As fascinating as the clock is, perhaps you could turn your attention to the front of the room and tell me exactly when the Germans invaded Britain."

Ryan felt a faint flush creep across his cheeks as the class tittered and shook his head dumbly, knowing he knew the answer, but unable to comprehend the question properly when he was aware there was only seventeen minutes and thirty five seconds.

"Pay attention, Mr Atwood."

Ryan glanced casually at Seth, but Seth was staring straight ahead instead of making the usual "way to go, dude" comment, and had been determinedly avoiding speaking to Ryan all day, even on the drive to school after Ryan had gotten Sandy to let them take the rover.

Fifteen minutes.

Maybe he shouldn't break up with her. Maybe he should just put up with all the whining, all the emotional break downs, all the drinking. Maybe he should be supporting her, instead of ditching her, maybe he should just let it slide.

But something about the way Summer had spoken to him the night before made him think she _knew, _and that meant she would tell Marissa, and Marissa would probably have another overdose, and Ryan really didn't think he could cope with that.

Five minutes.

"So, in conclusion, I want an A4 sheet on Germany's invasion of Britain. It can be in note or essay form, whichever you prefer, but I want it on my desk by Friday third, no later, no excuses. Any questions?"

The bell rang.

"You're excused."

Ryan thought about trying to talk to Seth, but Seth looked as if he was just trying to get as far away from Ryan as possible, so he went to his locker instead, slowly putting his books in one by one, until he _had_ to go and meet Marissa, because there was nothing else to do.

She looked extremely beautiful today, all colorful and Californian, and Ryan knew with a sinking heart that it was for him.

His heart sank even more when he sat opposite her at Their Table and smelt the alcohol on her breath.

"Have you been drinking?" he asked.

Marissa shrugged and giggled slightly, twirling her hair around her fingers, and Ryan realised she had definitely been drinking, and that he had to get her off campus as quickly and discreetly as possible before she got herself suspended.

"God, Marissa."

He shook his head, at a loss what exactly to do, disappointment clawing at his throat.

He leant toward her, holding her chin in his hand to force her to look at him.

"Wait here for me, okay. Can you do that?"

She nodded and giggled and fluttered her eyelashes, and Ryan felt the clawing become worse, but he had no choice. He couldn't take her inside, and he had to find Seth.

Seth. Where would Seth be?

He closed his eyes, trying to imagine exactly what he'd be doing and where he'd be doing it if he were Seth Cohen right now.

He'd be with Summer. He'd be talking too much. She would be rolling her eyes at him.

Ryan rolled his own eyes as he opened them, thinking about how stupid he was being, after all he wasn't psychic.

He remembered Summer wanting to study for their math test the night before, but never getting the chance. Maybe they were in the library. It was as good a place to start as any.

He immediately spotted Seth's curly head, bent close to Summer's over a book, their hands almost touching on the pages. He tried to ignore that stupid feeling which shot through him every time he saw them like this. It used to be_ him_ and Seth. He tried to focus on Marissa and not let the way Seth laughed at something Summer said affect him. When was the last time he'd made Seth laugh?

"Seth."

Seth stiffened as he looked up, recognising Ryan's voice before actually seeing him and his eyes hardened, the warmth Ryan had seen seconds before vanishing.

"Listen," Ryan said, his voice low and urgent. "I know you're mad at me right now, but I really need you help."

Seth raised an eyebrow, but for once didn't speak.

"It's Marissa."

At this Summer leant forward. "What's happened?"

Ryan spared her a brief glance before turning back to Seth, pleading with him with his eyes.

For a moment he could see Seth teetering on the edge, unsure, then his resolve broke and he nodded, once.

"What do you need?"

Ryan felt the relief wash over him, but was careful not to show it. Seth wasn't doing it for him, he was doing it for Marissa. For Summer.

"I need you to cover for me. Marissa's, well, she's been drinking and I need to take her home. Tell them I'm sick or something, I don't know, whatever. I just have to get her out of here."

"Where is she?" Summer asked.

"Outside," Ryan replied distractedly, then realised his mistake when Summer shot out of her chair, moving towards the library exit.

"Summer!" he snapped, and everyone in the hushed room turned to glare at him.

Ryan swore, and Seth shot him a rather nasty look, though whether it was from the profanity or being stupid enough to tell Summer, he wasn't sure. Which ever, they both tore outside after her, reaching the table Ryan had left Marissa at only moments after Summer.

Summer looked at them.

"She's gone" she said, gesturing to the empty table. "She's gone."

* * *

Marissa sits and waits for Ryan, twirling her hair in one hand and purposefully focusing on nothing.

This is why she likes vodka.

It's easy to pretend that she's not about to become heartbroken, that she isn't about to lose the one boy she's ever truly loved when everything is slightly echoey and she has and urge to jump on the tabletop and sing.

She giggles.

Ryan would be back soon. Ryan would make everything okay, because he always did.

Except...except this time he wouldn't, because he was going to hurt her. He was going to make everything worse.

Suddenly she knows she can't face it, can't face him, and stands, lurching through the tables towards the parking lot. She has to get out of here, she has to get away.

She drops her car keys twice before managing to unlock the door, tears now sliding down her cheeks.

She barely notices as she gets inside and starts the engine.

* * *

Ryan swore as they watched the tail lights of Marissa's car leaving the parking lot.

Fighting down the urge to hit something he turned in the direction of the range rover, Seth and Summer only seconds behind.

They all piled in, Ryan behind the wheel, and he started the engine, the tires screeching as they tore out of the school.

Ryan was conscious of Summer putting on her seatbelt behind him, and Seth regarding him with worried eyes.

"Dude," he said quietly. "Maybe you should slow down."

Ryan tightened his grip on the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white.

"We have to catch up with her," he said.

He kept his eyes fixed on the distant shape of Marissa's car, watching as she ran a red light at an intersection, the cars around her halting to a stop with angry squeals and beeps.

Ryan increased the speed.

"Ryan," Seth's tone held a distinct warning. "We're gonna be no use to her dead."

Ryan didn't reply, didn't slow down.

"Dude, come on."

"It's my fault," he said softly.

He felt, rather than saw the look Seth exchanged with Summer.

"You don't know that. It could have been anything."

"I was going to break up with her."

There was a brief silence.

"Did you tell her you needed to talk?" Summer asked from the back seat.

Ryan shot her a surprised glance in the mirror. "How did you know?"

Summer rolled her eyes. "Because that's what everyone says when they want to break up, and everyone knows what it means."

Ryan was silent for a moment.

"Ryan," Seth sounded almost gentle. He didn't seem to be mad at Ryan any more. "This isn't your fault okay. You couldn't have know she was gonna do this. You gotta stop with the guilt complex, man."

Ryan didn't reply, but the sick feeling in his stomach alleviated slightly.

Marissa took a right turn.

"How did she get drunk?" Seth asked suddenly.

"God, Cohen," Summer snapped. "I was sure even you knew the mechanisms of drinking."

"Ha ha Summer. What I meant was where did she get the drink from? Did she have it with her?"

Ryan frowned. The question hadn't occurred to him, but now he thought about it, where could she have gotten the alcohol from? She _must_ have had it with her, she couldn't have gone out and bought it between classes.

Summer was unusually quiet.

Ryan looked in the mirror. She was staring determinedly out of the window.

"You know something." It wasn't a question.

Her gaze shifted to him and then Seth, a flash of guilt on her features.

"Summer."

She sighed.

"Look, I wasn't sure okay, that's why I didn't do anything about it." She looked out of the window again. "I suspected that Marissa may have been bringing alcohol to school."

"What!" Ryan exploded. "You thought she was drinking at school and didn't think to tell anyone? Are you a complete idiot?"

"Hey man," Seth said. "Cool it, this isn't Summer's fault.

Ryan scowled. Nothing was ever Summer's fault.

"Of course not," he snapped, aware of how stupid and petty he sounded.

He could feel Seth's eyes on him.

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

For a slit second Ryan was actually close to blurting out how much he hated that Seth had replaced him with Summer, that Seth thought Summer could do no wrong, even though she was a complete bitch who only thought about herself, but then brought himself under control and instead said, "Nothing."

There was silence until they saw Marissa's car pull into a nearby seven eleven.

"She's stopped," Summer said.

"No duh," Seth replied.

Ryan pulled in behind her and reached for the door handle. "Come on."

He ran to Marissa's car, but as he reached it she got out of the other side, putting the car in between them.

"Stay away from me!" she shouted.

"Marissa, come on."

He took a step around the bonnet.

"Stay away!"

"Marissa..." He took another step.

Marissa's eyes darted between him and Seth and Summer.

"I can't," she sobbed softly. "I just can't."

Ryan took another step toward her but she turned and bolted, running wildly toward Seth and Summer. Seth reached out to grab her arms and she struggled in his grasp for a few moments, before bringing her foot hard against his shin. He cried out in shock, letting her go and she pushed him. His eyes widened in surprise and his arms wind milled around him as he tried to regain his balance. Then he was falling. Right into the stream of oncoming traffic.

* * *

Seth always hated it in movies when they put the pinnacle action scene in slow motion. He thought it looked stupid, because stuff like that didn't slow down in real life.

He knew now that he was wrong.

As Marissa pushed him, he saw the way her pretty skirt swung around her legs, her hair flying across her face, her purse slipping down her shoulder. He saw the look of horror stretching across Summer's face, felt the cold concrete beneath his jeans as the wheels bore down upon him, filling his vision, the truck driver's mouth opening in a shout, Ryan diving forward. It all seemed endless, almost as if Seth could just lie there and spend some time observing the exact way that Summer's eyes widened before her mouth opened, and that Ryan's hands balled into fists as he ran, leaping through the air like one of those action heroes, his arms wrapping around Seth as he rolled them to the other side of the road, his weight crushing Seth, the truck driver red and desperate as he barrelled on, brakes screaming.

Then it was over, and in a rush of sound and movement the truck was past, and he and Ryan were safe on the other side, and he was very aware of the sound of Ryan's breathing and the feel of his heartbeat.

He felt Ryan grasping at his arm, asking if he was okay, but his voice seemed to be coming from a long way away and Seth couldn't exactly hear very well. Then Summer was there too, throwing her arms around him and crying on his shoulder and Marissa was on the other side, looking all lost and alone..

He moved slowly, allowed Summer to take his hand and lead him back across the road, barely aware of the truck driver apologising, Ryan saying that is was okay, Marissa just standing there.

Summer was saying something but Seth just couldn't quite hear it, and then she was slapping him, and _ow_ that hurt.

"You know, you're only supposed to do it once."

Instead of looking relieved, Summer huffed at him.

"Don't _do_ that to me. I thought you were, like, going into shock or something."

Seth rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm sorry my near death experience inconvenienced _you_, Summer."

"Of course it did! I thought you were about to die! It wasn't exactly what I'd call fun, Cohen."

"Yeah, you know what else wasn't fun? Rolling around on the floor under the wheels of a truck for one. Not so much with the funness."

"Hey man."

Seth turned to see Ryan walking over them, looking distinctly dirty and dishevelled. Seth supposed he must be the same.

"You okay?"

Seth nodded. "Yeah, thanks for the whole 'Superman' act back there. It was most definitely minty."

Ryan shrugged, but Seth thought he saw the hint of a tiny smile.

"You guys go on. I'll take her back." He indicated in Marissa's direction, but didn't turn to look at her. Seth got an odd sort of churning in his stomach.

"Will she be okay?" he asked.

Ryan didn't reply for a moment, but his jaw went sort of tight and his eyes got all stormy and Seth was _really_ glad he wasn't on the receiving end of that temper tantrum. Not that Ryan had temper tantrums. Or any sort of tantrum really.

"Are _you_ okay?" Ryan asked again.

"Considering that I just nearly died, I'd say yes, surprisingly not so bad. And, you know, I have the beautiful Summer for company, and I'm sure she will want to wait on me hand and foot in case of any trauma."

"In your dreams, Cohen."

Seth grinned. "She's so affectionate." He hesitated slightly, then nodded towards Marissa, who was standing a little way off, her face tear streaked. "Don't be too hard on her, okay?"

Ryan closed his eyes briefly.

"Seth, she almost killed you."

"I know, I know. But something's going on there, right? And she probably feels bad enough as it is. Just...talk to her, okay?"

Ryan gazed past him, looking distinctly moody.

"Come on man, just talk to her."

Ryan looked at him, blue eyes snapping onto Seth's face, and Seth was momentarily floored by what he saw there. For a moment he thought Ryan's eyes might actually burn him, because they were fiery with anger and relief and desperation and concern and something that Seth was afraid to identify, something so intense that Seth had to blink, and Ryan looked away, his gaze shifting for a minuscule second to Seth's lips then back to his eyes again.

Ryan nodded once then turned away, leaving Seth wondering exactly what just happened.

* * *

Ryan could feel himself burning, boiling with anger, with desperation, desire, all those things he _definitely_ shouldn't be feeling when Seth was standing right in front of him. The sort of things he shouldn't be feeling about Seth period. Seth's eyes, Seth's lips. Ryan tore his own eyes away, forcing himself to move, to turn his back, to resist the struggle of temptation.

He had other things to deal with right now.

He didn't look at Marissa as he got into the car, was aware of her sliding into the seat beside him, and clenched the steering wheel unusually tightly as he started the engine and pulled out into the road. The range rover was in front of them, and Ryan could see Seth's curly head in the passenger seat.

Seth.

Ryan's grip tightened a little more.

He could hear Marissa breathing beside him, all short and jerky, like she was on the edge of tears, and suddenly felt a wave of anger so intense that it frightened him. God, he felt like hurting her, really hurting her, and it scared him so much that he had to pull off the road and stop the car, closing his eyes and resting his head on the steering wheel, trying to gain control of himself.

He felt her hand on his shoulder and jerked away.

"Don't."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

The anger intensified, and Ryan knew if he opened his mouth he would start shouting at her, and if he took his hands of the wheel he would try and strangle her, so he didn't move, didn't think, just concentrated on the sound of his breathing, calm and steady.

When he had collected himself, when the anger had ebbed into a dull ache and he no longer felt like hurting anyone, he turned on the car and drove them home.

* * *

Ryan is watching Marissa sleep.

She looks innocent in her sleep. She looks young and sweet, and it's hard to imagine her doing any of the things she did today; bringing alcohol to school, driving whilst drunk, almost getting Seth killed.

When he looks at her now, Ryan finds it hard to be angry.

He sighs and lowers his head, squeezing his eyes shut.

The one image that stays with him, that reminds him of what she has done, is of Seth. Seth lying in the road, his hair blown up from the force of the truck, that vague, confused look on his face as the wheels rolled closer.

Seth almost died today.

He looks at Marissa, the way her hair falls on the pillow, her lashes fanning against her cheek, her fist scrunching the duvet.

He remembers a time when she was all he wanted, when she was the only thing he could let himself dream about. But now. Now she's destroyed that dream, that image. Now she's hurting him and she's hurting herself and she's hurting Seth and Ryan can't deal with that. If he wasn't sure before, he is now. Because today he realised that he couldn't be there for her any more, that he couldn't let her continue to push him further and further towards the edge. It isn't fair on either of them.

He strokes her hair and allows himself to remember a time when it wasn't this complicated, when everything was simple and straightforward and they were ten meters up in the air on a ferris wheel.

But he's no longer on that wheel. He got off a long time ago, and now it's finally time to let her know.

* * *

When Marissa woke, Ryan was standing by with a glass of water.

She looked at him, her gaze heavy lidded, and accepted the drink, but only took a few sips before setting it on his night stand.

She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, she refused to meet his stare.

"I guess I was pretty stupid today, huh?"

He could hear the distinct edge of tears to her voice, and resisted the urge to groan. She was crying, and they hadn't even started yet.

"Marissa," he began, but then stopped.

What could he say to her? She already knew what he wanted, if Summer was anything to go by. How could he hurt her even more by re affirming that?

She turned to him, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to get so out of hand. I'll never do it again, I promise. Just give me another chance."

Ryan sighed and looked away.

"I wish I could," he said softly. "But today, Marissa today you nearly got Seth killed. Today you could of got yourself killed. All of us. It's...it's too much."

"But that's why we have to stay together," she cried. "I knew you wanted to break up with me and I guess I went a little crazy. But only because I know I can't work without you, Ryan. I need you. We, we fit together, we just do. I need you," she said again.

"I know," he replied. "But I'm not so sure I need you."

She blinked, almost as if he'd slapped her, and stared at him for a few moments.

"You do," she whispered. "You have to need me. Without you I'm nothing."

He didn't reply for a moment, staring past her out of the pool house windows, where the Californian sun was beginning to relax into evening.

"Do you remember what it was like before I came here?" he asked.

"It seems like another lifetime."

He nodded. "I guess it kinda was. I remember the first time I saw you, outside your house. Then at the fashion show and the party afterwards. You seemed so capable, so confident, so perfect. It wasn't until later that night I realised that you weren't perfect after all. When I saw you in your drive way, I just wanted to take care of you. And I still do. I'm just not sure I can any more."

He looked at her then, taking her hand in his.

"Marissa, you survived before I arrived. You had a whole put together life. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but it was there. I thought that night that I could take care of you, but now I realise I can't, that no matter how many times I get you out of that ditch, you'll just keep falling right back in, because that's where you were before I came."

He hesitated for a moment.

"I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. And I don't think you do."

"I do," she said. "I do want to be helped. I want you, Ryan. I always have, ever since that moment in the driveway, when you said you were the cousin from Boston. I love you."

He didn't say anything.

"Ryan? You do still love me? Don't you"

Her voice had gone suddenly very small and Ryan really didn't want to hurt her any more, but how could he lie to her now?

"I don't know," he said.

She pulled her hand from his.

"How can you not know?"

"I just don't, okay?" He stood up, walking to the windows, looking out over the pool. "With everything that's happened, I don't know if I could love you even if I wanted to."

"And do you?" she asked. "Want to?"

He turned to look at her.

"I don't think I do."

She didn't reply to that, and he supposed that there wasn't really anything either of them could say.

"So this is it then?"

He nodded slowly. "I think it is."

To his surprise, she didn't cry and scream and run away. She walked towards him and put her arms around him, and he brought his own around her back, holding her close. They stayed like that for immeasurable moments, then she kissed him on the cheek, picked up her shoes and left.

* * *

Seth and Summer were lying side by side on Seth's bed, her head resting on his shoulder.

Sometimes Seth found this weird, the way they still touched as if they were a couple. You could have walked into his room three weeks ago and found them lying in exactly the same position, except three weeks ago Seth would have been very aware of Summer's leg touching his own, and the smell of her hair so close to his face, whereas now he didn't notice any of those things. Strange how it could fade so quickly. But he didn't really notice that the spark, the electricity that had once run between them whenever they touched was no longer there, because for Seth the now was all there was. He didn't like to think of the way things used to be, or what happened yesterday, or even what might happen tomorrow. He lived for the moment, as clichéd as that sounded, but not in a party girl lets-get-drunk-and-do-heroin kind of way. He just preferred to not to dwell too much on things that weren't relevant to right now.

Summer moved her head slightly, her dark hair brushing his cheek.

"That was pretty intense, huh?"

"I'd say a near death experience qualifies as pretty intense, yes."

He felt Summer smile.

"Was it scary?" she asked. "Did your life, like, flash before your eyes?"

"Disappointingly, no it didn't. I almost feel betrayed that our generation of movies and TV has led us to believe that when we die our life will flash before our eyes, when actually it doesn't. I am telling you, Summer, there is something seriously wrong with the way the media is portraying this rather significant event to us." He paused, considering. "Maybe I should write a letter. A protest. Do you think the producer of FOX would reconsider all portrayals of this sort to the date?"

"Cohen?"

"Shutting up."

There was a brief moment of silence and Summer shifted again.

"What do you think he's saying to her?"

Seth didn't need to ask who she was referring to.

"I don't know. Yelling? Screaming? Then again, it's Ryan, so probably not."

"Do you think she'll OD again?"

Summer's voice sounded all small and afraid and not like Summer at all, and Seth had an urge to gather her in his arms and make all the pain go away.

"No," he said instead. "I don't think she really meant to do it in Mexico. I think she's past that now."

"Yeah," Summer replied, a slight edge to her voice. "She's moved on to drinking instead."

Seth stroked her arm soothingly.

"It'll be okay. Ryan'll sort things. He always does."

Summer shook her head.

"He's going to break up with her."

"After today? I doubt it."

Summer snorted slightly and sat up.

"God Cohen, you can be so stupid sometimes. Don't you get it?"  
Seth raised his eyebrows, leaning against the wall.

"Obviously not. Why don't you explain it to me in that oh so inoffensive way of yours?"

Summer rolled her eyes.

"If he wasn't sure before, then today totally cinched it. You almost died, hello? Did you forget that already?"

"Um no, but I don't see what me almost dying has to do with Ryan breaking up with Marissa. Or not, as the case may be."

Summer rolled her eyes again.

"Because you didn't _just_ almost die, doofus. _Marissa_ almost got you killed."

"Oh," Seth said, nodding. "I totally...no do not see where you're going with this."

He expected Summer to roll her eyes again and hit him or call him more names, but she just stared at him.

"You really have no idea, do you?"

"Are you talking in code? Because I have to say, yes, I am a little lost."

"Seth. Ryan he..." she hesitated, as if unsure of herself. Seth didn't ever think he'd seen Summer unsure of herself before. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that you mean a lot to Ryan. He'd do anything for you. Even break up with Marissa."

"Yeah, but it's not like she's going to come after me with an axe or anything. Come on, it was an accident. If anything, Ryan should be sticking with her as she obviously has some difficulties. I can take care of myself." He tried not to think of the bruises decorating his stomach that now hurt a lot more, thanks to the whole falling-infront-of-a-truck-and-being-crushed-by-Ryan debacle. "Most of the time, anyway."

"Yeah, and I'm not saying you can't." She paused. "Well, maybe that's not exactly what I'm saying-"

"Then what are you saying, Summer?"

She opened her mouth as if to continue, then shut it suddenly, shaking her head.

"You know what? It's not that important. Just...just know that I was right when I said he'd break up with her. And, for future reference, that I am always right."

Seth grinned and pulled her back onto the bed with him.

"That I cannot forget."

She laced his fingers through his.

"Cohen?"

"Yeah?"

"Look, you know I hate talking about my feelings and everything, but today, today I was scared. I thought, you know, that you might actually die and then I would be kind of...alone. I don't want that."

"Summer, are you trying to say that you can't live without me?"  
She elbowed him in the ribs, and he fought back a choke, wondering why she kept _doing_ that.

"No, I'm just saying that, you know, you're a good friend and I don't want to lose you."

She made a face, as if tasting something extremely gross.

"There, I said it okay? Tease me about it and I swear I'll kill you."

Seth laughed. "I wouldn't dare. Although, I must say it does come as a certain shock that Summer Roberts, _the_ Summer Roberts has just professed that she cannot live without me."

"Cohen."

"I am seriously amazed at this turn of events. Who would of thought that I, Seth Cohen, would have the role so many guys have sort after."

"Cohen."

"No, Summer please, I just have to express this-"

"Cohen."

"Summer, come on, just let me- mempf!"

She reached behind and placed her hand over his mouth and he kneed her in the backing retaliation. She let out a little shriek and flipped over, landing all her weight on his sore ribs. He gave a muffled gasp against her hand, and she leant towards him, concern in her eyes as she removed her hand.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded.

"Yeah I'm just-"

He broke off suddenly, aware of just how close Summer was, and couldn't seem to stop himself as she came even closer, her lips brushing against his.

They stared at each other for a moment, then they were kissing again, and his arms were around her back and her hands were in his hair and it was just so good to _feel_ it all again, to feel Summer and know Summer and everything felt fine, except it wasn't fine because something was missing.

They both pulled away at the same time, slightly out of breath as they just looked at each other. Finally, Summer pulled away, sitting on the edge of the bed and Seth sat next to her, careful not to let their bodies touch in any way.

"So," he said. "That was...interesting."

"Yeah it was..."

"Wrong?"

"Totally completely wrong."

"Wow, am I relieved."

Summer looked at him.

"It's really gone then?"

Seth nodded slowly.

"I think that pretty much confirmed it."

"Do you feel sad?"

"A little. Do you?"

"A little."

There was a contemplative silence then Summer carefully leant against him.

"I like this though. I like whatever it is we are now."

"You know what?" He reached up a gentle hand to stroke her hair.

"So do I."

* * *

After Marissa has left, Ryan isn't really sure what to do.

He knows what he _has_ to do, he _has_ to go and see Seth, but at the moment that thought fills him with a terrifying, stomach churning guilt because his girlfriend almost got Seth killed and then he himself almost came onto Seth, which would have been completely inappropriate considering the timing and, well, the fact that it was _Seth_.

He also knows he can't put it off forever, and that he should do it now, before the stomach churning becomes any worse.

He goes into the house slowly, climbs the stairs slowly, does everything he can to delay seeing Seth.

When he finally reaches Seth's bedroom, the door is open and it's all quiet so Ryan assumes Summer must have gone home and doesn't bother to knock, just goes straight in.

Then he sees exactly why it's so quiet.

Seth and Summer are on the bed. Kissing. In a very sexual way.

Ryan backs out of the room as quickly as he can, slipping down the stairs and back into the pool house, all the while telling himself that it's no big deal, that Seth can kiss whoever he wants and that Ryan really has no say in the matter.

After all, he's not Seth's boyfriend, is he?


	3. Complicated

a/ns: Hey, I know it's been, like, a year since I last updated (well, not quite) but I found I'd lost all inspiration for this story despite having already written over a hundred pages of it. However, after finally finishing my Constantine fic, I realised I did quite like it after all, so I figured I would start posting again, and hopefully your reviews will give me some motivation (hint, hint…). Thanks for all the reviews so far. Enjoy!

"_Why do you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like somebody else gets me frustrated. And you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it." Avril Lavigne_

As Seth gets ready for school the next day, he feels an impending sense of doom.

Ryan never came to speak to him last night. It's almost as if Ryan didn't care that Seth was nearly mowed down by a truck. One would think that Ryan at least wanted to see if he was okay, but no, apparently not.

Ryan isn't looking at him during breakfast, either, and that's when Seth begins to feel a little annoyed. So, yeah, Seth did let Marissa push him into the road which, admittedly, was a little stupid, but Ryan didn't have to break up with her over it if he didn't want to. He doesn't see why everything has to be heaped upon _him_, _he_ was the victim. _He_ was the one that nearly died!

Sandy comes in, looking cheerful after his morning surf, hair wet and rumpled.

"Need a lift to school this morning?" he asks.

Seth shakes his head, munching on a mouthful of Cap'n Crunch.

"Summer's picking me up."

Ryan actually looks at him then, only it isn't the sort of look that Seth usually welcomes first thing in the morning. It's kind of hostile, actually.

"Us," he amends quickly, thinking this is the reason behind all the hostility. "She's picking us up."

"That's okay," Ryan says. "I'm going with Marissa."

Seth thinks only that he can now gloat to Summer that she was wrong, because if Ryan and Marissa had broken up, she wouldn't exactly be driving him to school, would she?

Ryan leaves before Summer arrives, and in the car Seth is in full gloat mode when they pass Ryan about ten minutes from the house on his bike.

* * *

Seth didn't understand where his life had gone so wrong.

He was an alright guy, he tried not to be unnecessarily cruel, to purposefully trip someone up when they were walking down the corridor, or slam his locker door into someone else's chest.

Which was precisely what Brad had just done to him.

His eyes watered as the breath was knocked from his lungs, and he staggered backwards slightly, Summer's hand on his arm supporting him.

"Brad!" she yelled. "You jerk!"

"Hey." Brad held up his hands. "It was an accident."

"Yeah right." Summer turned back to Seth. "You okay, Cohen?"

"I'm fine," he muttered. "It was just...an accident."

Brad smiled slightly, a rather evil smile which told Seth he'd just made a colossal mistake.

"Accidents happen," Brad said mockingly, then turned and walked away.

"Jerk," Summer repeated to his retreating back. She fixed Seth with a sharp gaze. "Is he hassling you again?"

"Um no. It was an accident. He said so himself."

Summer looked annoyed. "Cohen, I'm not an idiot. You should tell Ryan."

"No. No that is precisely what we must not do. Especially not over a stupid accident and even more especially when he is not speaking to me."

They began walking down the hall.

"He's not speaking to you?"

"Apparently not, if breakfast was any indication." Seth shrugged. "I guess he's mad about what happened yesterday."

"Yeah, at Marissa. Why would he be mad at you?"

"'Cause I got in the way?"

"Cohen, you're always in the way."

"Oh ha ha ha. Whatever. Just don't tell him please? I don't want him getting all wiggy."

Summer pulled him into their English class and they took their seats.

"Wiggy?"

"You know, all moody and broody and ass kicky."

She laughed.

"You won't tell him."

She hesitated slightly, then nodded. "Not if you don't want me to. Speaking of which, where is Ryan?"

Seth craned his head round to check out the room, but Ryan wasn't there.

"Same place as Marissa?"

"They're broken up."

"I'm telling you, they're not."

"Oh yeah, then why was he _biking_ to school this morning?"

"Uh, because he obviously didn't want to be in the same car as me."

"Which we still have no explanation for. I don't buy your theory."

"Perhaps they're having make up sex."

There was a hushed silence which told Seth that everyone in the room had just heard exactly what he had said.

"That happens to me a lot," he said, and some of the kids laughed.

Their teacher didn't look so impressed.

"Well," she said. "If you and Summer have quite finished discussing other people's sex lives, perhaps we could start the lesson?"

She glanced around the room and then frowned.

"Has anyone seen Ryan or Brad?"

Seth looked at Summer.

"Co-incidence?" she asked.

"Not likely," he muttered.

He suddenly had a really bad feeling that Ryan might know about the locker incident after all, and was dealing with it in his own special Ryan way.

_Uh oh._

* * *

Ryan watches as Brad purposefully rams his locker door backwards into Seth's ribs, ribs which are still raw from the kicking Brad had given him two days earlier, and feels a kind of slow rage building inside him.

That is it. He isn't going to let Seth take any more shit from Brad.

He strides purposefully down the hall, ignoring the people he's bumping into, and catches up with Brad by the water fountain. Ryan waits until Brad has leant down to take a drink, then raises his elbow and brings it down on the back of Brad's head.

There is a satisfactory _crack_ as Brad's nose hits the metal, and then he pulls Brad back up by his hair, spluttering blood and water. Before Brad has a chance to gather his bearings, Ryan plunges his fist into Brad's gut, then, when Brad is doubled over, choking and wheezing, jams his knee into Brad's face.

Brad stumbles backward and then lunges toward Ryan, his fists flying at Ryan's face, but Ryan easily dodges the blows, grabbing Brad's arm and twisting it behind his back, pulling Brad against him so he can't move.

"Stay the fuck away from Seth," he hisses, then brings his knee up again, this time into Brad's back, before letting him go and walking away.

* * *

Sandy Cohen stared at the silent phone, a mixture of anger and sadness struggling to take hold of him. He sat still for a few moments, then turned the phone on, dialling the number he knew so well it was almost automatic.

"Kirsten Cohen's office."

"Honey it's me."

Sandy could hear the change of warmth in her voice when she next spoke.

"Hey sweetheart. Is everything okay?"

"Not exactly." He took a deep breath. "The school phoned. Ryan got into a fight."

For a moment there was silence on the other end of the line, then Kirsten sighed.

"A fight. Is he hurt?"

"No, it was pretty much one sided. Apparently he just went for some guy for no reason. He's with Dr Kim, but she says he won't talk about it."

"Well that doesn't sound so much like Ryan. I mean, I know he can be volatile, but he always has a reason."

"I know, I know. I just thought I'd tell you that I'm heading over there."

"Well let me meet you there."

"Oh, I don't know. Can you convince your wonderful boss to give you the time off?"

"Very funny, Sandy. Just for that, you can pick me up."

Sandy put the phone down, feeling undeniable lighter than he had ten minutes ago. Whatever it was, whatever was wrong with Ryan, they would all work it out together.

* * *

Ryan was dreading facing Sandy.

He had listened stone faced as Dr Kim made the call, refusing flat out to tell her why he had gone for Brad. Well, what could he say? "I saw him beating on my pseudo brother who, by the way, I happen to be slightly in love with, only I know he definitely doesn't feel the same way after I saw him making out with his supposed ex-girlfriend."

No, not quite.

So Ryan said nothing, and hoped desperately that he wasn't about to be sent back to juvie.

He heard Sandy's voice out in the hall, and there was no mistaking the curtness with which he asked about Ryan. Ryan resisted the urge to groan aloud when he heard Kirsten too. He didn't think he could face both of them. And he wasn't sure he could lie to Kirsten.

They came in and he looked at them, almost flinching under the disappointment in their gazes as they sat beside him, Dr Kim slipping behind the desk.

"I don't suppose I need to tell you both that Ryan is in a lot of trouble." She fixed Ryan with a definite glare. "The student in question may have a broken nose, and insists that Ryan's attack was unprovoked. I have spoken to several witnesses in the hall who support this. Unfortunately, Ryan is refusing to tell me his side of the story, without which I will have no choice but to support these claims, and after the incident with Oliver Trask last term, I'm not quite sure what to make of it all. "

He felt Sandy looking at him, but refused to look up, making determined a study of his jeans.

"Perhaps we could have a few moments with Ryan alone," suggested Kirsten.

Ryan heard Dr Kim get up and leave the room, but still didn't raise his eyes.

There was a strained silence.

"Tell us why you did this."

Ryan said nothing.

Sandy sighed in frustration.

"Look Ryan, whatever you're going through, we want to help. But we can't help if you don't talk to us, kid."

Ryan still said nothing.

"Ryan, come on." Kirsten. "We don't know what to think right now. You attacked another student in the hallway for no apparent reason? That just doesn't sound right."

God, he couldn't tell them.

He felt Kirsten's hand under his chin, forcing him to look into her eyes.

"Talk to me."

He couldn't lie to Kirsten.

"He beat up Seth."

The words were so quiet that he wasn't even sure he'd said them.

He coughed slightly and said them again, louder.

"He beat up Seth."

Kirsten let go of him suddenly, and stepped back, eyes slightly dazed. Sandy had gone very still.

Ryan felt awful.

"When was this?" asked Sandy.

"The day before yesterday," Ryan muttered. "Then today he slammed his locker door into Seth's ribs. I-" He broke off, forced himself to meet Sandy's eyes. "I lost control. I'm sorry. I just couldn't handle it."

Kirsten sat down in her chair, rubbing a hand across her face.

"I don't believe this. I thought that Seth was okay. I thought he was doing well. Why didn't he come to us? Why didn't you come to us?"

"Seth asked me not to tell anyone. I couldn't betray his trust."

"So you just went around beating the guy up?" Sandy snapped.

"He did it to Seth," Ryan snapped back.

"Yeah, well two wrongs don't make a right, Ryan." Sandy took a deep breath. "You handled this badly."

"I know."

"I'm not so sure I can fix it."

Ryan snapped his head up.

"Will I be sent back to juvie?"

"Not if I have anything to do with it. But I cannot impress upon you the seriousness of what you've done. You're looking at suspension, maybe even expulsion. I can only convince this kid's parents not to press charges against you, the rest is up to Dr Kim." He rubbed a hand across his chin. "I'm sure if we talk to this boy's parents we can get them to refrain from taking any legal action."

"You can't," said Ryan.

Sandy looked slightly astounded.

"Excuse me?"

"You can't tell Brad's parents," insisted Ryan. "If you get them involved then Brad will make it hell for Seth at school. He'll never let him forget it."

"Then what do you suggest I do?" asked Sandy angrily. "If they want to press charges then that is it for you, Ryan. How could you have been so stupid?"

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"Yeah, well you will be. Because you are going to be grounded for a very long time when we get home. If we get to take you back home, of course."

"Sandy." Kirsten put a warning hand on his shoulder.

He took another deep breath.

"Okay," he said. "Okay. We will sort this out. We will talk to Seth and we will talk to Dr Kim and we will figure this out together. As a family." He indicated the door. "You'd better wait outside."

Ryan nodded and walked towards the door. He hesitated for a moment, and wanted to say something, anything to try and make it right. But he wasn't sure if he could, so he left.

Dr Kim was outside, and tersely told Ryan to sit and wait for them before shutting the door behind her.

Ryan sat. And he waited. And waited.

Finally the door re-opened and he got to his feet, trying not to look too hopeful or desperate.

"Dr Kim, thank you," said Kirsten, though neither she or Sandy spoke to him.

"I just hope I'm doing the right thing," Dr Kim replied.

"You are," Sandy assured her. "Thank you."

She smiled slightly, glared once more at Ryan, then went back into her office.

Ryan really didn't want to ask what the damage was, he wasn't sure he even wanted to know.

"One week suspension," Sandy said shortly. "And a final warning. One more screw up and that's it. You're out."

Ryan nodded, feeling relived and terrified at the same time.

"I won't," he said. "Screw up."

"See that you don't."

God, Ryan hated it when Sandy was angry.

"I'll go and find Seth," Kirsten said. "You guys wait in the car."

To Ryan's surprise, she reached out and squeezed his hand before leaving.

He glanced uncertainly at Sandy.

"Car. Now."

Yeah, he hated it when Sandy was angry.

* * *

Seth was writing a note to Summer to try and express just how incredibly boring he found Jane Austen when there was a knock on the classroom door.

For a moment he thought he was seeing things, but no, that was definitely his mom coming into the classroom. His classroom. His English classroom.

The bad feeling he'd had since the beginning of the lesson intensified.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," Kirsten said. "But could I please have a word with Seth? Dr Kim sent me."

Ms Darton looked slightly surprised but nodded. "Go ahead Seth."

Seth slid out of his seat, gathering his books in his arm and shifting his bag onto his shoulder (his chest still hurt too much to wear it crossways) before walking across the unbearably quiet room.

As soon as they were out of the door, Kirsten fixed him with her eagle glare.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Um okay. So not what he expecting.

"Tell you what?"

"About Brad."

Oh.

"So I take it you've been talking to Ryan."

"_Ryan_ has just been suspended for attacking Brad in the hallway. Apparently on your behalf. Which brings me back to my original question. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Woah, woah. Back up a minute here, mom. Ryan _attacked_ Brad in the hallway?"

Kirsten sighed. "Yes Seth. Ryan attacked brad in the hallway and may now possibly be facing going back to juvie."

Seth actually felt himself pale.

"So I ask again. Why didn't you tell me?"

Seth swallowed.

"I didn't want you to know," he said.

"Why not?"

Seth shrugged.

"You told Ryan."

"Okay, I did not tell Ryan. Ryan happened to find me pinned to a wall by Brad the other day and took the liberty of relieving me of him."

He looked down at his shoes.

"It was no big deal."

"Well it obviously was to Ryan."

"Ryan has a hero complex," Seth returned. "He can't help himself. I was handling it."

"Handling it so well you had to stop wearing your bag strap across your chest?"

Seth shifted.

"I didn't think anyone would notice.

"I'm your mother. I notice."

Seth looked at her.

"Will Ryan really go back to juvie?"

Kirsten placed an arm around his shoulders as they walked.

"No. Your father won't let that happen. But we are going to have to talk to this Brad's parents. Do you think you can handle that?"

The thought of what Brad would do to him if his parents were involved filled Seth with terror. He nodded.

"Sure I can."

Kirsten smiled.

"You're a good kid Seth. You and Ryan both. Although he is in disgrace at the moment."

"Even though he saved my ass."

"Even though. And don't say ass."

"Sorry."

They had reached the lobby.

"We're going to take Ryan home now, and we think it would be a good idea if you came with us. There's a lot we all need to talk about."

"But I've got school."

"It's okay. I cleared it with Dr Kim."

Despite himself, Seth felt impressed.

"You got Dr Kim to give me a whole day, well minus one period, off of school? You really _are_ The Kirsten."

"Car. Now."

Seth smiled as he sailed out of the doors.

"Whatever you say."

* * *

Ryan and Sandy were waiting tensely in the car, neither particularly willing to break the strained silence.

Ryan glared out of the window and wished he had tried to control himself a little more, and _really_ wished he hadn't walked in on Seth and Summer kissing last night.

"I wish you'd come to me," said Sandy.

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are, but that doesn't fix everything. I know you were looking out for Seth which I appreciate, of course I do, but you can't solve everything with your fists, Ryan. One day someone is going to pick on Seth when you're not there, and then what's going to happen?"

"I wasn't thinking."

"No, you weren't."

For a moment neither of them spoke.

"I just felt this rage, you know? I just felt so angry, so...red. I couldn't control it. I couldn't control myself." Ryan remembered that flash of choking rage he'd felt last night, with Marissa. "It scared me."

"Do you think you have a problem?" Sandy asked. "There are programmes for that sort of thing."

"No it's not like that. It's...I can't explain it." _Because it only ever happens when it's about Seth. Because I'm definitely feeling things I shouldn't be feeling._

"Try," Sandy challenged.

"I just don't like people hurting people that I...care about."

"Well none of us like that, Ryan. It doesn't mean we go around hitting people."

"I know, I know. I don't know what to tell you."

"I want you to tell me that you'll never do it again."

"Fine, I won't do it again."

Sandy studied him. "I hear you, I'm just not sure I believe you."

The car door opened and Kirsten got in the front, Seth sliding in the back.

Ryan didn't look at Seth. Although he'd been protecting him, fighting_ for_ him Ryan felt ashamed. He hated the way he couldn't control himself, his emotions. And he hated that Seth knew he'd lost control.

Sandy sighed.

"Lets go home."

* * *

They were all solemn as they pulled into the Cohen's driveway.

Seth refused to look at Kirsten because she knew he was being bullied, and Kirsten couldn't quite look at Sandy because she felt she'd let their son down, and Sandy wouldn't look at Ryan because he couldn't believe Ryan had been so stupid, and Ryan wasn't looking at anybody, just staring morosely out of the window, unable to get the image of Seth and Summer kissing out of his mind.

The four of them went into the kitchen, still studiously avoiding each other's eyes.

"Coffee?" Kirsten said to the counter top.

"I'm good," Seth muttered to the doorway.

"Ryan?" Kirsten asked the oven.

"No thanks," Ryan told the ceiling.

"Oh, for God's sake," snapped Sandy. "This is ridiculous. Surely we can all look at each other?"

But he himself seemed to be talking to the floor.

Kirsten closed her eyes briefly, then fixed them on her husband.

"You're right," she said. "Seth, Ryan." She turned her gaze on each one of them. "I think we would all like to talk about what happened today."

"Do we have to?" asked Seth, before he could stop himself. "I mean, really, what is there to talk about? Ryan made a mistake, big deal."

"But it is a big deal," replied Sandy. "Ryan's mistake could have some extremely serious repercussions. Your mother and I feel it would have been nice to sort the problem before it got to that stage." He gave Seth a meaningful look.

"So, basically you're saying that it's my fault Ryan could go back to juvie?"

"No," said Sandy. "That's not what I'm saying."

"Really, because that's pretty much what I'm hearing."

"I'm trying to tell you that you should come to us if you have a problem, not just let Ryan handle it for you."

"Yeah, because I so totally _asked_ Ryan to beat up Brad in the hallway."

"Well maybe if you trusted us a little more-"

"Well maybe if you gave me reason to-"

"It's not Seth's fault."

All heads swung round to Ryan.

"I did what I did on my own accord. It's not his fault."

"Look," said Kirsten. "We're not blaming anyone. We just want to work out exactly why today happened. Why it had to happen."

"It didn't," Seth immediately said. "Because I was _handling_ it. A point which none of you seem to get."

"Yeah, you were handling it real well," Ryan muttered.

"Well maybe my idea of handling something is to use my brain as opposed to your brawn. Perhaps I didn't_ need_ you to rush in all Incredible Hulk."

"Or perhaps you need to start asking people for help, instead of pretending to handle it."

"I WAS handling it!"

"NO you weren't!"

"BOYS!"

Ryan and Seth immediately quieted down at Kirsten's unexpected shout.

"Perhaps the problem here is you two. You obviously have some unresolved issues, and I think you should talk about it before we attempt to get the bottom of this."

She looked annoyed.

"I want you both to go to the pool house right now, and you will not come out until you've got whatever it is off your chests and your father and I don't have to listen to you fighting about it. Am I understood?"

Ryan hung his head.

"Yes mam."

"Seth?"

Seth scowled slightly.

"Yes. Mother."

"Good. Now go."

She watched as they left, determinedly avoiding each other's eyes.

As soon as they were out of sight, Kirsten collapsed against Sandy.

"I didn't know you had it in you," he whispered against her ear.

"Did I do the right thing?" she asked.

"Most definitely," he replied. "And seeing you take charge like that? It was kinda sexy."

She raise an eyebrow. "Oh really?"

"Hmm." He nuzzled her neck. "You know, they might be talking for a while."

"Perhaps we should wait upstairs?"

"My thoughts exactly."

* * *

Ryan didn't speak to Seth as they walked to the pool house, which meant that Seth certainly wasn't going to talk to Ryan. No way. He was not going to start this conversation. You could just call him Mr Silent. Because no way on earth was he about to-

"So what's up."

_Damn._

Ryan gave him a sort of sideways look under his hair.

"Nothing."

"Yeah right. Nothing."

There was a brief silence.

"You know, you could have just talked to me about what happened with Brad. You didn't have to fly off the handle like that."

"Yeah? Well you could have talked to me about getting back together with Summer."

Seth blinked.

"Dude, I have no idea what you mean. Me and Summer? I mean come on, that's ancient history."

"I saw you Seth."

"Oh okay. That totally clears everything up. You saw us what? Playing Jenga?"

"Kissing," snapped Ryan. "I saw you kissing."

_Oh._

Seth sat down on the edge of the bed. Ryan was facing away from him.

"Okay, that does kind of make sense. Because we were. Kissing, that is. But really? Didn't mean anything."

"It looked like it meant a lot from where I was standing."

"Which, by the way, would have been where? Were you spying on me or something?"

"No."

"Wow Ryan, care to elaborate? And while we're at it could you turn around? It's kind of weird talking to your back."

Ryan didn't move. Or speak.

Seth wondered if he'd gone into a coma.

"Look. Summer and I, we kissed. And it was seriously weird. So we decided not to do it again. Ever. Okay?"

Ryan still didn't move or speak, and Seth was beginning to _really_ wonder if he'd gone into a coma when he shifted his head slightly.

"So you're not?"

"Not what? Oh, back with Summer. Definitely not. Besides, why do you care?"

Ryan tuned round.

"Um, I don't. Not really. I was just, ah, curious. That's all. Just, you know, curious."

Seth grinned.

"Dude. I don't think I've ever heard you speak so much in one sentence. Which obviously means you're lying. What with the stuttering and all."

Ryan scowled.

"I'm not lying."

"Yeah right. Tell me what's going on."

"Nothing."

"Nothing, uh huh."

Ryan walked distractedly over to the windows.

"Is that why you were all weird this morning?" Seth asked.

"This morning?"

"Uh yeah, when, you know, you wouldn't talk to me, and then lied about going to school with Marissa."

"You mean the same way you lied the other day about not going with Summer?" Ryan snapped.

"Woah, dude." Seth held his hands up. "Where did that come from? What's your problem with me and Summer?"

"I don't have a problem," Ryan ground out.

"Yeah, sure you don't. Look if this is about Marissa-"

"Marissa?"

"Yeah." Seth suddenly felt slightly uncomfortable. "Summer told me you broke up with her because of me-"

"It wasn't because of you," Ryan said, too quickly.

"Well, you know, if it was, then it's stupid. Because Marissa didn't mean to hurt me yesterday. It was an accident. It's not like she's out to get me or anything."

Ryan grimaced slightly.

"What? Man what is up? Just tell me?"

To Seth's surprise, Ryan looked slightly pained.

"I can't," he muttered.

"Sure you can. We tell each other everything. There is nothing you cannot tell me."

"I can't tell you this, okay?" Ryan snapped, his voice surprisingly loud in the confinement of the pool house.

Seth took a deep breath, trying not to feel too hurt that Ryan was not only keeping things from him, but now shouting at him as well.

"But I bet you can tell Marissa." Oops, he didn't mean that to sound quite so bitter.

Ryan let out a hoarse laugh.

"No, I can't tell Marissa."

"Well man, you've gotta tell someone, 'cause it's obviously getting all twisted inside."

Ryan closed his eyes.

"I want to tell you," he said finally. "But I'm not sure I can. I don't want to screw this up."

Seth stood up, taking a step towards him.

"Screw what up?"

"This." Ryan gestured between them. "Our" his face twitched slightly "friendship."

"Dude." Seth took another step towards him. "Nothing you could say or do would screw up our friendship."

"Wanna bet?" Ryan muttered under his breath, and Seth wasn't sure if he was meant to have heard or not.

"Just tell me."

Ryan looked at him.

"Just tell me."

* * *

Ryan is shaking and his palms are sweating.

He can't believe he's doing this.

He can't believe he's even condoning the idea of telling Seth how he feels. He must be utterly, completely out of his mind.

In fact, he's not even sure this is real.

Seth takes another step towards him.

"Just tell me."

He can't. He can't possibly even imagine telling him. It's ridiculous.

Seth comes even closer.

Oh God, Ryan thinks he might black out. Which is very unlike him. He never gets like this. Not even with Marissa. What is it about Seth that makes his world go upside down?

And now he's even thinking in clichés.

He backs up a little, putting some space between him and Seth.

"Thirsty?" he asks, suddenly. "You want a coke?" He turns to the refrigerator. "I'll go grab one. I'm all out in here."

"Ryan."

Suddenly Seth is standing right there, and his hand is on Ryan's arm and all Ryan can do is look at it.

Seth shakes his arm a little, and Ryan tears his gaze away, but then he is looking at Seth's eyes, and he's not sure he can hide everything he's feeling at the moment.

Seth isn't talking. He's just standing there, staring at Ryan, his hand on Ryan's arm, this really weird expression on his face and suddenly Ryan gets it.

Seth knows.

* * *

Seth isn't quite sure what is happening. Ryan's eyes are all intense again, like they were by the road after the truck thing, and for once in his life Seth can't think of a single funny or sarcastic thing to say, because he's just figured out why Ryan beat Brad to a bloody pulp and got all weird when he saw Seth and Summer kissing.

Ryan...

God, he can't even think it. It's too weird, too different, and yet why can't he look away?

Why can't he seem to just let go, just laugh it off, just walk away?

Why is he getting even closer?

Because he suddenly realises he is, that he's getting much, much closer, and then he's kissing Ryan.

* * *

Seth is kissing him.

For a moment Ryan can't move, can't think, can't breathe, then he's kissing back, slow, unsure of himself, not wanting to push Seth too far even though it was Seth who kissed him.

Seth is kissing him.

He doesn't dare move, just stands there, Seth's fingers burning an imprint on his arm, his eyes closed, feeling Seth, smelling him, _breathing_ him.

Seth is kissing him sweetly, gently, almost as if he's afraid of scaring Ryan, and Ryan's heart is beating about ten times a second as Seth _kisses_ him.

Then Seth suddenly stiffens, as if he's just realised exactly what he's doing, and he's pulling away, his hand still on Ryan's arm, his eyes wide and terrified.

Ryan stares back at him, pretty sure his own eyes are wide and terrified.

Seth lets go, takes several steps back and trips over Ryan's trainers.

If it was any other time, Ryan would have laughed. If it was any other time, Seth would have laughed.

But it isn't any other time, and neither of them laugh. Seth scrambles up, then turns and runs out of the pool house door.

Ryan doesn't move, still conscious of the feel of Seth's hand on his arm.


	4. Chocolate

a/ns: sorry everyone its taken me so long to update. I am the laziest person ever when it comes to it. Special thanks to Ellie, for actually forcing me to get off my arse and do something about it (you'd better be reading this now…) Enjoy!

"_Goodness knows I saw it coming, or at least I'll claim I did. But in truth I'm lost for words" –Snow Patrol_

Seth is still freaking out.

He shouldn't be, really, considering he's had all night to get used to it, lying awake, instant replays running consecutively through his brain, yet he's still completely freaked.

And he's extremely confused.

Part of him can't really believe that yesterday happened, it seems so ridiculously unreal that he thinks perhaps he did just actually imagine it.

Then part of him remembers the feel of Ryan's arm under his hand, the softness of Ryan's lips. He never thought of Ryan as being soft. Tough? Strong? Manly? Yeah, sure. But soft? Definitely not. Yet Seth is pretty sure that he glimpsed something yesterday, in those brief seconds, something that _was_ soft. Soft, gentle and very un-Ryan like. Something that Seth wouldn't mind seeing more of.

Hence the confusion.

Because he wasn't...he didn't...did he?

He was pretty sure he wasn't, but then why did he kiss Ryan? Okay, so he was pretty sure that Ryan _wanted_ Seth to kiss him, maybe he even wanted to kiss Seth, but still, it was Seth that did the actual kissing. Seth, not Ryan, Seth.

Was he?

He'd always been so sure he wasn't, all those years of Luke teasing him, all those years of being called all those names. Were they right? Was he what they said he was?

This was all very, very confusing.

There was really only one person he could talk to about it.

He'd better go and find the phone.

* * *

"I don't get it," said Summer. She was lying on her bed, one hand tangled in the strands of her dark hair which fanned out beneath her.

"You have a problem which you want to talk about, but you're not sure you want to tell me, yet I'm the only one you can tell. Cohen, any time you wanna start making sense, just let me know."

Seth was pacing in circles around her room.

"It's very, very complicated," he said. "Either that, or it's not and I'm just making it like that."

"I vote for that one."

Seth ignored her.

"You see, if it turns out it isn't complicated, then what does that mean for me? Who does that mean I am? Am I completely abnormal? Or am I freaking for no reason?"

Summer sat up.

"Well, perhaps if you would tell me what's going on, I might be able to help you out."

Seth stopped and looked at her. His normally curly hair was puffier than usual, due to him running his hands through it.

"Okay," he said. "Okay. So there's this...person. Who I've known for a while. And who I like. As a friend. But then yesterday. Yesterday we sort of kissed. Well, I kissed them. But I'm pretty sure they wanted me to kiss them. And now I don't know what to think, 'cause I've never looked at them like that before, and now there's all these confusing feelings and implications and stuff."

He flopped onto the bed beside her.

"Guide me oh wise one."

"Okay, just so we're clear on this. You _are_ talking about Ryan, aren't you"

Seth sat up so fast he might have been struck by lightening.

"Wh what? Um no, no why why would you? I mean, did I say? I don't think I did. I don't see why, why you would think that."

Summer rolled her eyes.

"Relax, okay? It's painfully obvious that Chino's had a thing for you for, like, ever."

Seth blinked.

"He...he has?"

"Duh."

He frowned

"Then how come I don't know anything about it?"

"Because Ryan's the master at pretending his feelings don't exist." She shrugged. "He's

probably had to do it all his life. Hard to break habits, etc."

"Then how do _you_ know?"

She smiled, stretching casually along the bed.

"I happen to be very observant, Cohen. Unlike you."

Seth leant back, eyes wide.

"Well, I'm speechless. And that almost never happens to me."

"I noticed."

Seth stared at the bedspread.

"So what do I do."

"Well, how do you feel?"

He shrugged.

"Confused. Kind of like I might want to kiss him again." He put his hand over his mouth. "Dumph phlat eeean Iys hayy?"

"Hand."

"Does that mean I'm...gay?"

Summer tilted her head and observed him, kind of like he was a new pair of shoes or something.

"Honestly?"

He nodded.

"I'm not sure. Do you still want to make out with girls?"

Seth considered this. "Not right now, though I wouldn't mind seeing Cameron Diaz in a tube top. Or not."

Summer smiled.

"That settles it. Gay guys want to shop for Cameron's tube top."

"So I'm not gay?"

"I don't think so. Though the whole Ryan thing? That does have a kind of gay ring to it."

"A Big Gay ring," Seth muttered.

"Okay, the thing we really have to figure out is whether _Ryan's _gay. Inclined to say no, due to the fact that he was, you know, doing Marissa until, like, three days ago, but Luke's dad was married a ton and he was still gay."

"Luke's Big Gay dad," said Seth.

"I don't think he is," Summer continued. "And I don't think you are. I think you just have a weird thing for each other. Maybe you need to work it out of your system. Try kissing him again."

Seth closed his eyes. "I'm not sure Ryan would like that."

"Well did he push you away the first time?"

"Not exactly." Seth opened an eye. "I sort of got freaked out and ran away."

"And let me guess, you've been hiding from him ever since?"

"I think he's been hiding from me too."

Summer sighed. "Knowing Chino, he'll be brooding over how he could of possibly made such a stupid mistake. You should talk to him."

"Um no. That is exactly what I cannot do."

"Seth, come on. You like the guy, right?"

"The jury's still out on that one."

Summer threw a pillow at his head.

"Just talk to him."

Seth threw the pillow back.

"I came to you for sane advice. Talking to, or attempting to talk to him may result in my unseemly death. Not so sane."

Summer smiled brightly.

"I know! I'll talk to him for you."

"Again with the no. There will be no talking to Ryan. Ever."

"Don't you think that may be a bit difficult? Since you live together."

"Oh my God." Seth fell back onto the bed, his head on Summer's stomach. "What am I going to do?"

"Talk to him?"

* * *

Ryan really wanted to talk to Seth.

He wasn't sure exactly what had happened yesterday, but he needed to see Seth, to speak to him, find out if it _meant_ anything.

He sighed, wondering if he was being completely ridiculous.

How could it have meant anything. Seth didn't think of him that way. And yet. Seth had kissed him. Why would Seth kiss him if he felt nothing. Was it just some huge, colossal mistake?

Ryan thought he might go insane.

He wanted to talk to Seth, but at the same time he was afraid of what Seth would say, and even more afraid that Seth wouldn't want to talk to him, wouldn't even want to look at him.

How could he have been so stupid?

Ryan knew he'd screwed things up this time.

If Seth never wanted to speak to him again, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't go on living here, he wouldn't be able to bear it, But at the same, not being here, not being with the Cohens, with _Seth_ was equally unbearable.

God, he was an idiot.

And he was thirsty.

He really needed something to drink, but there was no more soda in the pool house fridge, which meant going into the kitchen, something Ryan had been avoiding since he ran in to grab a bowl of cereal earlier. He knew, of course, that he couldn't avoid it forever, that it was Saturday and Kirsten would want them to have dinner together as a family, but dinnertime seemed a long way away yet.

Soda, he really needed a soda.

Perhaps if he ran, grabbed the soda and ran back. What were the chances of him running into Seth in those precise few seconds?

Slim to none.

He would have to risk it.

Either that or die of thirst.

* * *

Seth was starving.

He'd left that morning without breakfast, intending to grab something at Summer's, but then they'd started talking and he'd never gotten round to it. And he hadn't wanted to go downstairs in case Ryan was there. He hadn't seen Ryan when he was dashing in and out of the house, but it would just be his timing that when he _did_ go downstairs Ryan would be there, getting a soda or something.

His stomach gave a loud grumble.

Bagels, he needed bagels.

Maybe he should just make a run for it. Really, what were the actual chances of Ryan being down there?

He needed the bagels.

* * *

Ryan crept along the patio, keeping low so he could see into the kitchen before anyone could look out and see_ him_.

The coast was clear.

Ryan took a deep breath, then flung open the glass door and ran into the kitchen.

* * *

Seth paused on the stairs, peering around the banister rail to try and work out if there was anyone in the kitchen.

He couldn't _see _anyone.

Okay, he was going for it.

He jumped over the rail and pelted down the hall into the kitchen.

* * *

The first thing Ryan realised as he entered the kitchen was that he was going too fast, and the floor was too slippery in only his socks.

The second was that he wasn't alone, that Seth was tearing in from the other direction, also too fast to stop, and that they were on a collision course headed directly for each other.

The third was Seth's chin bashing into his forehead and the floor feeling rather hard underneath him, his legs all twisted around Seth's, his left arm trapped under Seth's back.

They lay there for a moment, stunned, then Seth was trying to get up, but only succeeded in knocking Ryan's elbow into his stomach, which hit his sore bruise, and he collapsed again, gasping. Ryan carefully extracted his arm and untangled himself, then reached for Seth, helping him up off the floor.

"You okay?" he asked.

Seth nodded, his hand against his stomach.

"Here, sit down." Ryan guided him to a stool and Seth sat obediently.

Ryan winced at the throbbing pain in his forehead where it had collided with Seth's chin, and took a couple of cans of soda from the refrigerator. He held one up against his head, and gave the other to Seth, whose lip was looking a bit swollen.

Seth's lips.

Ryan looked away quickly, choosing a stool which put a respectable amount of distance between them and sat down, eyes firmly on the granite top.

"Well," Seth said after a moment. "This is awkward. I take it you were trying to avoid me

as much as I was trying to avoid you."

Ryan nodded.

"Soda," he said, as way of explanation.

"It was the bagels that got me."

For a moment it was almost as if they were just having a normal, everyday conversation, and Ryan could pretend that it wasn't weird, that they hadn't kissed, that he hadn't fucked up yet again.

But it _was_ weird, and they _had_ kissed, and he _had_ fucked up.

"Do you think we should talk about it?" Seth asked.

Ryan couldn't quite bring himself to look at him.

"Do you want to?"

"Summer said we should."

_Summer said._

Ryan shrugged, tried to be casual and nonchalant, yet knew he wasn't quite pulling it off with Seth right _there_.

"I think maybe we should," Seth said. "Get it, you know, out in the open."

Ryan nodded.

"So," Seth said.

Ryan didn't say anything.

"Come on man! I can't do all the talking. You have to try as well, you know."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Neither of them said anything.

"This is weird," Seth finally murmured.

"Yeah," Ryan said softly.

"It's like it happened, but it didn't, you know? And while it totally freaked me out, I almost want to do it again."

Seth seemed to be in some kind of trance. His eyes had gone all glazed, and he had stood up and was moving toward Ryan, staring at Ryan in a kind of vacant way.

"It's probably totally wrong, and really shouldn't be happening." He was even closer now.

"But I can't quite seem to stop myself."

Then he was kissing Ryan again, and everything got kind of confused.

* * *

Seth decides he actually quite likes kissing Ryan.

Ryan kisses slowly, as if he's unsure of himself, and Seth likes that Ryan seems unsure.

He likes that Ryan isn't super confident because Seth doesn't feel so confident himself right now, in fact he has no idea what he's doing, and finds it fitting that Ryan doesn't either.

He likes that Ryan doesn't try to grab him or anything, that their bodies aren't making any contact apart from their lips, Ryan's really, really soft lips.

Seth is enjoying kissing Ryan.

And that's when he begins to get freaked out again.

* * *

Seth pulled away suddenly, the realisation hitting him hard.

God, he was kissing Ryan. And he was _liking_ it.

Ryan was just kind of looking at him, his face completely unreadable, and Seth wasn't sure what to do, because he'd never exactly been in this situation before. Except for last night, and look how he'd handled that.

"Sorry," he said, which seemed a really stupid thing to say, considering he was practically standing in Ryan's lap and had just molested him. Again.

Ryan's eye did this weird twitch thing.

"Are you?" he asked.

Seth took a step back.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I'm really, really confused right now."

Ryan let out a sort of raw laugh. "That makes two of us."

"This...feeling." he gestured between them. "It's different, you know? I've never felt anything like this before. I mean, I've never even looked at another, you know, guy."

"Me either."

Seth nodded. "That's good, right? That means we're probably not gay. We just happen to have some weird sort of attraction to each other. There's no need to freak out."

"I'm not," Ryan said quietly.

"Yeah, but I really, really am. I mean, I just kissed my best friend. Who is a guy. Again. And I'd really like to give it another try."

And then suddenly he was kissing Ryan _again_, and he really wasn't sure how this kept happening. He seemed to have no actual control over his physical actions. Period.

He was kissing Ryan, and suddenly it wasn't so soft and tentative, but his fingers were in Ryan's hair and he could feel Ryan's hands on his back, and he couldn't breathe, but it felt so _good_.

This time it was Ryan who pulled away, his lips all red and swollen, his hands still on Seth's back, and Seth realised that he must look the same, with the redness and the swelling, and that his own hands were still in tangled in Ryan's ridiculously soft hair.

God, Ryan really was soft.

"Shit," Seth breathed softly.

Ryan didn't say anything, but he didn't move, didn't try and push Seth away and Seth felt glad. _Really_ glad.

And then the freaked out feeling returned.

He jumped away from Ryan so fast he suspected there might have been an electrical current involved somewhere.

Ryan was looking at him all questioning and suddenly Seth just couldn't deal with it all, he just couldn't, and shook his head silently, before turning and walking away.

* * *

Ryan is lying in bed staring at the ceiling.

He's been thinking about counting to a thousand for the last hour and a half, but it seem a lot like too much effort, and Ryan doesn't think he has enough energy to make any kind of effort right now.

Seth hates him.

At least, he's pretty sure Seth hates him. The way Seth looked at him before he walked away, almost as if Ryan had betrayed him somehow.

Ryan feels like scum. He must have pushed too far. Why else would Seth have just run off like that? Why else would he have looked at Ryan liked that? And now things were even more screwed up.

Ryan didn't think that could be possible.

He'd told Kirsten and Sandy he wasn't feeling too good at dinner. He made excuses so little they believed him without question, and Kirsten didn't even fuss too much after he took some pills and told them he just wanted to sleep it off.

Seth hates him.

He can't get the thought out of his head, and it's making him feel pretty miserable, because having Seth within reach but unreachable was better than Seth being out of reach altogether.

Seth hates him.

Ryan thinks about turning over, but even that seems like too much effort.

He realises that he never did get that soda after all.

It's quite ironic, if you think about it.

* * *

Seth feels awful.

He'd really been an idiot this time. Ryan would probably never want to speak to him again after this. He'd already skipped dinner, no doubt so he wouldn't have to see Seth.

He'd well and truly messed this one up.

But the thing was, he had liked it. He'd really liked it, until his brain had started screaming at him, and then he'd just panicked, so he'd done what he was best at and run away. And now Ryan wouldn't want to speak to him or see him or probably even be in the same room as him. It would be unbearable.

Seth knows he won't be able to sleep. He'll lie there tossing and turning, unable to forget about what had happened.

Ordinarily, he would have called Summer, talked to her, made her listen to his problems so she could sort him out, put him back together again.

But tonight he doesn't want to call Summer. Tonight there's only one person he wants to talk to.

Ryan.

* * *

Ryan couldn't sleep.

This shouldn't have surprised him really, what with everything that had happened, but he did find it kind of annoying when he couldn't stop replaying those kisses again and again, and he just wanted to shut his brain off.

It was dark in the pool house, the blinds Kirsten had bought effectively blocking out any light from the house that might have slipped in the windows. Ryan found he liked the absolute dark, felt calm and restful and content when he was just lying there.

Or at least he usually did.

Tonight he was agitated and couldn't find a good position to lie in and kept seeing Seth's face, whether his eyes were closed or not.

He kept hearing things as well, the sound of Seth's breathing and the door creaking and the water in the pool. He wasn't sure how much he was imagining it, but the image of Seth's face was getting all distorted and the sounds were getting louder and louder and suddenly he was shaking and he couldn't stop and then Seth was standing there, and it took him a minute to realise that Seth actually _was_ standing there, and Seth was shaking him and that he must have fallen asleep.

"I think you were having a nightmare," Seth was saying, and Ryan struggled to sit up, trying to wipe the fog from his brain.

"Are you alright?" Seth asked.

Ryan nodded, but found his mouth had gone all dry, whether from the nightmare or Seth's presence he couldn't tell.

He coughed slightly.

"Fine," he rasped.

Seth sat on the end of the bed, looking slightly nervous.

"I, uh, couldn't sleep and thought that you might be awake, but obviously you weren't, so sorry, except you were having a nightmare, which I guess is good, uh, that I woke you up, not that you were having one, and I tend to talk a lot when I get nervous, not that I'm nervous or anything, I mean why would I be, just because I kissed you and then freaked out and now you probably hate me, but hey-"

"I don't hate you."

Seth stopped talking.

"You don't?" he said after a moment.

"I don't."

"Oh. Well that's good." He paused. "I guess you want to know why I'm here."

"The thought had crossed my mind."

Seth shifted slightly on the bed.

"I wanted to say I was sorry. For running away earlier. Especially when I was the one who kissed you. Twice. Well, three times really."

"Are you sorry you kissed me?"

The words were out of Ryan's mouth before he could stop himself, and he felt like swearing. Where had his self control gone?

"No," said Seth.

Ryan blinked.

"You aren't?"

"No. I...I liked it. I was just freaked because it was so out of the blue. I hadn't exactly envisioned this happening."

"Me either."

There was a brief pause.

"Do you want to do it again?" Seth asked.

"Kiss you?"

"Yeah."

Ryan nodded. "Yes. But I think we should talk first."

"Okay. Good. With the talking."

"Do you want this?"

"I think I do. Do you?"

"Yes."

"Well that's good. We both want it."

Ryan took a breath. "You have to be sure. Because if you're not," he hesitated. He didn't want to scare Seth off. "Things will be too weird," he invented. He couldn't exactly say that Seth would be breaking his heart, could he? God he hated clichés.

"I am sure. That's why I came here. To tell you. That I want it. And I'm sorry."

Ryan peered at Seth through the darkness.

"It won't be easy," he said.

"Hey, I've dated Summer. I'm ready for anything."

Despite himself, Ryan laughed.

"We'll have to keep it a secret."

"Adds a little mystery."

He could see Seth, his eyes. They seemed sincere.

"Are you sure?" he asked again.

"Yes," Seth breathed, but this time his words were close, an then he kissed Ryan again, one hand coming up to cup Ryan's cheek, his thumb moving gently across Ryan's skin, and Ryan thought it was possibly the most romantic thing anyone had ever done to him.

He was doomed to think in clichés forever.

Seth kissed Ryan again, and this time he wasn't unsure, wasn't afraid, and knew exactly what was happening. And he certainly wasn't freaking out.

Just the opposite in fact, because kissing Ryan felt so right, and he'd always hated it when they said that in books and movies, but now he knew just what they meant.

This was right.

He wished he could stay there all night.

"I should go," he murmured reluctantly, pulling away.

"You could stay," whispered Ryan.

For a moment Seth froze, the terrifying thought of SEX flashing across his mind, that he wasn't even sure he knew how to have sex with another man, or even if he wanted to, but then he realised that Ryan wasn't asking him for sex, he was just asking him to stay, and

Seth _really_ wanted to stay.

"Yes," he whispered back, and then he was sliding under the covers, his leg touching Ryan's, really aware that Ryan was right _there_ and it felt weird but also good. And when he reached out tentatively and found Ryan's hand, and Ryan let him weave their fingers together it felt really, _really_ good.

* * *

When Ryan woke, he was alone.

His arm was stretched out across the bed, and he realised that he and Seth must have been holding hands all night, which he found very weird and a little bit, well, gay. Then again, it was Seth, so the whole thing was kind of weird and gay. He guessed it would just take some getting used to. Ryan sensed that this wasn't like any old relationship. He and Seth were different, they would have to do things differently, take things at their own pace- even if that pace _was_ a little gay.

Which kind of begged the question where was Seth?

For a second Ryan actually felt a heart stopping moment of panic. Seth had changed his mind again. He'd freaked out, run away. He'd left. Ryan wasn't sure he could take Seth's rejection again. Seth had said he would stay. He'd said he wanted to.

Ryan slipped out of bed, pulling his jeans on over his underwear. For a moment he just stood there, trying to figure out what to do.

If Seth really _had_ changed his mind, then Ryan wasn't sure he could see him right now. But what if Seth was just scared? What if he needed Ryan to see him and kiss him and remind him of what was they last night?

Ryan went into the house.

The scene that greeted him was straight from some cheesy movie, and Ryan couldn't stop the thought that he really _was_ doomed to live in clichés, although admittedly this cliché wasn't too unfavourable.

Seth was standing in the kitchen in his pajamas. Cooking. Or at least attempting to. There was a rather large amount of suspicious looking purple pancake batter on the counter top, and something even more suspicious looking smoking in a pan on the stove. Seth was holding a wooden spatula, staring in horror at the smoke, oblivious to the fact that there was flour and purple smears all over his cheeks.

"What are you doing?"

Seth started guiltily.

"Uh, making you breakfast?" he asked.

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"Well," Seth amended. "At least that was my intention. Before the blender. And the blueberries. And then the stove."

Ryan felt the corner of his mouth twitch. No one had ever made him pancakes before.

Never.

"So, are you hungry?"

Ryan eyed the mess in the pan.

"Not so much," he said.

Seth nodded. "Ah that's cool, because I didn't want to, you know, poison you just after we, well, you know."

"Uh, Seth?"

Seth was looking at Ryan with a mildly terrified expression. "Yeah?"

"You might want to..." Ryan gestured to the pan.

"Holy Moses!"

The pancake had begun to smoulder, a merry little flame dancing across its surface.

"What do I do?" cried Seth.

"Put it under the tap."

"You mean I have to touch it?"

Ryan gave an exasperated sigh, pushed Seth out of the way and grasped the pan handle in both hands, lobbing it at the sink and trying not to cry as he remembered that the Cohen's pans all had _metal_ handles, and that dull ache was actually the flesh on his hands sizzling.

"Crap!"

Seth had turned the faucet onto the pan, but was staring at Ryan's hands, eyes wide.

"God Ryan. Are you okay?"

Ryan didn't reply, grimacing slightly at the pain in his hands. Seth abandoned the sink and took them in his own, gently turning them palms up. The skin had already started to blister.

"I'm so sorry," he said.

Ryan shrugged. "It's fine."

"No, it's not fine. You need burn cream." He let go and began hunting through a nearby cupboard. "I think we have some in here somewhere. I know we used to because mom used it on me once when I brushed against the iron. Hurts like hell, of course, but I guess it kinda works. Ah ha." He triumphantly held up a small orange tube. "Here we are, just hold still."

He unscrewed the cap and carefully took Ryan's hands between his own, squeezing a bit of the cream onto his fingers, then gently massaging it into his palms, his fingers moving in small, soothing circles.

Ryan watched him, watched the tenderness in his movements and the concentration on his face. As corny as it sounded, he didn't think he'd ever felt so cared about.

"There, all done."

Seth let him go and replaced the lid on the tube, but didn't move to put it away. In fact he didn't move at all, as if he'd only just realised how close they were.

"Sorry about your breakfast," he said softly.

Ryan shook his head. "It isn't important," he replied. Because he really couldn't care less about the breakfast. What he cared about was the fact that Seth had bothered to make him breakfast, no matter how much a disaster it had turned out to be.

"You're covered in flour," he said, and Seth lifted a self conscious hand to his cheek, a red tinge appearing on his face.

Ryan stopped it.

Seth's eyes were still wide, but he didn't look so terrified any more.

Ryan reached out with his own hand, brushing it across Seth's cheek, and then leaned in to kiss him. Suddenly the flour didn't seem quite so important.

Seth returned the kiss, his own hand on Ryan's arm, steadying himself, and when they broke apart he was smiling.

"So you haven't changed your mind then?"

Ryan shook his head. "And you?"

"Dude," Seth leant closer. "I made you breakfast."

"Breakfast?"

"Well, my variation of."

Ryan revelled in the feeling of Seth's breath, warm, against his cheek, of Seth's words, teasing, humorous, so utterly _Seth_.

"Thanks," he said.

Seth pulled away, a smile on his lips.

"Cereal?" he asked.

"A safe bet. Playstation?"

"You are on. I will crush you on Mortal Combat."

Ryan smiled. "You wish."

He turned to the cupboard to get out the cereal as Seth went to set up the Playstation.

"I will grind your bones," Seth was saying. "I will eat you alive, man. I am the Master. I am the chosen one. I am unbeatable."

Ryan balanced the two bowls of cereal on top of each other as he grabbed a couple of spoons.

"I am the first and the last. I am unstoppable. I am like, the template for doom. I am the almighty."

"Seth?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Seth nodded, reaching for the game controller.

"It's time for me to kick your ass."

Ryan reached for his own.

"Whatever you say, man. Only I'm not being Kitana or Mileena this time."

Seth gave him a look of mock horror.

"But Ryan, we _are_ Kitana and Mileena."

Sometimes Ryan wondered exactly what went on inside Seth's head.

* * *

Kirsten wandered down for breakfast sometime around noon.

As she past the living room, she heard the triumphant shouts of Seth against the music of a video game, and Ryan's exasperated protests.

She smiled. It was nice to see the boys getting along again. They had both been acting so strange lately, even before the Brad saga.

She went into the kitchen, looking forward to her usual morning coffee and bagel, but stopped dead in the doorway, baffled and slightly frightened by the sight that greeted her.

Her counter top seemed to have been attacked by some sort of purple goo. Lots of purple goo.

"I don't even want to know," she muttered. "If anyone needs me, I'm going back to bed."

And they said that _she_ was the one who couldn't cook.

* * *

After copious amounts of Playstation, followed by copious amounts of clearing up, Seth and Ryan retired to the pool house.

They still hadn't had The Talk with Kirsten and Sandy from Friday, and they were both hoping to avoid it. Plus Seth was also kind of hoping they might do some more kissing.

Ryan flopped casually onto the bed, but Seth didn't follow, feeling suddenly very awkward. If he sat next to Ryan on the bed would Ryan think he was being presumptuous? But if he sat on the couch, would Ryan think he was being cold? If Ryan thought he was being cold there would in all likelihood be no more kissing, and Seth really did want the kissing. On the other hand, if _Ryan_ didn't want the kissing, would Seth look like a total loser by sitting very obviously next to him on the bed? God, this was so hard.

"Seth?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

No, Seth was not okay. He thought he was going to start hyperventilating.

"I'm fine."

Ryan raised an eyebrow. "Well can you sit down? You're making me kinda nervous."

Yes, but where to sit? Where to sit?

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, alright? I'm just experiencing a minor bout of indecision."

"Over where to sit?"

"Maybe."

Well, he wasn't going to admit it outright, was he?

To his surprised horror, or perhaps his horrified surprise, Ryan laughed.

Ryan was laughing at him. Now he really _was_ going to start hyperventilating.

Ryan stood up. "You can be really strange sometimes," he said, then he leaned right towards Seth, so their lips were almost touching. "Don't be weird."

"No weirdness. Right. Got it. Though with me, weirdness is kind of a given."

Ryan pulled him gently in the direction of the bed.

"I meant about us."

"I'm not," Seth replied. "Being weird about us, that is. I mean, I'm being weird about where to sit, and now being weird about being weird. But about us? Dude that's just muphh."

Ryan kissed him.

Now _that_ wasn't so weird. In fact it was very nice, feeling Ryan's muscley shoulders under his hands, Ryan's arm around his back. God, Ryan was so strong. And he kissed really, really well.

"Do you think it's weird," Seth asked suddenly.

Ryan gave a little frustrated sigh and pulled away.

"Sorry," Seth said. "I just guess I'm not really used to this yet. You know, doing _this_" he gestured between them "with you. Not that I don't like it," he added hastily. "Because I do. Very much. It's just a little...weird."

Ryan sighed again, though not quite so frustratedly. He ran his fingers up and down Seth's arm in a surprisingly gentle, intimate gesture. Seth had never pegged Ryan as the gentle, intimate type. He wondered if he was the same way with Marissa. Now _there_ was a thought he really didn't need to be having.

"It will take time," Ryan said.

Seth nodded. "Well," he replied, choosing his words carefully. He didn't want to seem pushy. Or desperate. "I guess I've got the time."

Ryan smiled slightly. "Me too."

Then they were kissing again.

This time, Seth didn't find it so weird.

* * *

They were trying to come up with a plan of action.

Kirsten and Sandy had just informed them, with sharp glares that reminded of the still to come Talk, that they were on their way to see Brad's parents.

Seth was sitting on the living room couch, frozen with a mixture of terror and absolute incapability to move. He was so dead.

Ryan, sensing the distress, ran his finger lightly along Seth's wrist. He couldn't be completely sure, but he thought Seth relaxed slightly.

Ryan found it strange, this compulsion to touch Seth all the time. It had never particularly bothered him before, but since last night he couldn't stop touching Seth. His arm, his wrist, his leg, his hair. Ryan had never wanted to touch someone so much before. He'd certainly not felt like this with Marissa. Sure, he'd wanted to hold her and kiss her and tangle his fingers in her hair, but he hadn't wanted to touch her all the time. He wondered if it would wear off eventually. He kind of hoped so, because it was very distracting, constantly wanting to stroke Seth's neck, but at the same time hoped it wouldn't, because the way he was feeling right now he couldn't look at Seth or think about him without wanting to touch him, to kiss him, and that couldn't be bad.

"I told you we'd work something out," he said quietly.

Seth shook his head. "Everything's changed man. We're playing a new game, the rules are different. Brad's got us. He knows you make one more wrong move and you're out."

"I don't think he'd dare try anything with me there."

"But you're not gonna be there, are you? Not for a week. A whole week when he can do what he wants to me. As long as he doesn't touch my face."

"I'm not gonna let that happen," Ryan snapped.

"And how exactly will you stop it?"

"I _told_ you we'd work it out. And we will." Ryan brushed Seth's fingers with his own, aware that his thigh was resting against Seth's calf. "Things may have changed for Brad, but they've changed for us too."

"United we're unstoppable, but divided people get shot?" asked Seth.

"Exactly. I don't want anyone getting shot. Again."

To Ryan's surprise, Seth leant his head on his shoulder. So far it had been Ryan who was more physical. Except for Seth kissing him.

"I'm gonna get killed."

"If Brad kills you, you have my solemn promise that I will kill him."

Seth squinted at him. "Are you being funny again?"

"Not particularly."

"Ah." Seth nodded against Ryan's neck. "I find it particularly hard to distinguish between your dry sense of wit and your, well, general dryness. And God, you smell good."

Ryan couldn't help the smile that curved across his lips.

"I really want to kiss you right now," Seth mumbled, words muffled by that fact that his lips were pressed against Ryan's neck.

Ryan turned his head slightly, and Seth met him half way there and Ryan was only semi alert to the sound of the back door opening.

"Ryan? Seth?"

They sprung apart, Ryan's heart hammering in his chest, horribly aware that he was all flushed as Marissa came into the room.

"Marissa, hey, how are you. And thanks for knocking by the way."

Ryan shot Seth a tiny look, and he immediately silenced.

"Hey," Marissa said in greeting. "What are you guys doing?"

"Watching T.V," Ryan said.

Marissa raised he eyebrows at the still and silent set.

"I mean," Ryan amended, "we were just about to."

She nodded slowly, still not looking entirely convinced.

"So what's up with you?" he asked.

She shrugged. "No much. I just wanted to see what you guys were doing. If you wanted to hang out."

Seth looked slightly panicked.

"We would love to," he said. "But right now we are a little busy. Maybe later? Or tomorrow? Or next week? Have you tried Summer?"

Marissa looked slightly uncomfortable. "We don't really talk any more."

"Oh," said Seth.

She smiled. "It's okay, I get it. You don't want to hang with me." She turned to go, but

Ryan jumped off the couch and grabbed her wrist.

"We do," he said.

Touching Marissa was nothing like touching Seth.

She nodded again.

"Okay" was all she said.

They sat back on the couch and for a moment there was an uncomfortable silence. Ryan was keenly aware that neither of them had spoken to Marissa since she pushed Seth in front of that truck, since Ryan had broken up with her.

Reaching for the remote, Seth shot Ryan a tiny look. Ryan gave a minute shrug back.

_What could I do?_

Seth smiled, ever so slightly.

"What do you want to watch?" he asked.

Marissa shrugged.

"I don't mind. Ryan?"

"No preference. Seth?"

"We could watch a zombie movie."

Marissa raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps something a little more romantic." Was it Ryan's imagination, or did she shuffle a little closer to him when she said that? "Something with a nice love story." Definitely not his imagination.

He leapt up "Who wants soda? Seth? Help me grab snacks?"

"Sure." Seth stood, tossing Marissa the remote. "You choose. Though not Armageddon.

We saw that once already this week, and sitting through it again would just be plain cruel. I vote for zombies," he added in a stage whisper as he went out of the door.

In the kitchen, Ryan ran his hands through his hair.

"She wants to get back," he said.

"Uh, okay." Seth went to the refrigerator and began digging through it. "Do you want coke or mountain dew?" He pulled out a green bottle. "Ooh, or gaterade?"

"Seth!" snapped Ryan. "Marissa wants to get back together with me."

His head still inside the fridge, Seth went very still.

"Oh," he said, as if he'd realised something. "Okay. I get it."

"Good," said Ryan. "So what do I do?"

Seth shrugged and slammed a can of coke onto the counter. "Gee Ryan, just do what you normally do. Get her to fall all over you. It shouldn't be too hard. I mean, you've even got guys doing it now."

Ryan stared at him.

Seth held up his hands. "Don't even worry about me. I'll be fine. In fact I'll be better that fine. I'll just go upstairs and call Summer. I am absolutely perfect."

He prepared to storm from the room, but Ryan grabbed his wrist to stop him, much in the same way he'd stopped Marissa.

Only touching Marissa was nothing like touching Seth.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he hissed, pulling Seth's wrist perhaps harder than necessary so they were standing close together. "I'm asking you what I should do about _Marissa_."

"Yeah, I get that _Ryan_," snapped Seth. "And I told you what I thought you should do.

Now let go of me."

"No."

Seth tried to pull his arm away, but Ryan tightened his grip, trying not to think about the bruises he would find tomorrow.

"You're hurting me. Let go."

"No."

Seth wrenched his arm again, and Ryan wrenched it back, pulling him even closer, and suddenly Seth's lips were right _there_, and Ryan couldn't resist.

Until Seth bit him.

"Shit!" Ryan dropped Seth's wrist, jerking away from him. Seth rubbed the red marks, visible on his pale skin.

"Sorry," Seth said, though he clearly wasn't.

"What is wrong with you?" snapped Ryan. "God, you just bit me."

"Yeah, you're, um, bleeding."

Ryan reached a hand up to his lip, and sure enough, when he pulled it away, there was a smear of blood on his fingers.

He stared at Seth and Seth stared at the blood, and neither if them said anything until Marissa's voice floated in from the living room.

"What are you guys doing in there? I've chosen the movie, hurry up."

Seth tore his gaze away. "She's waiting for you."

And that's when it clicked. Seth thought Ryan wanted to get back together with Marissa.

"You can really be an idiot sometimes."

Seth glared at him. "Excuse me?"

"When I asked you what to do about Marissa, I meant how should I discourage her."

Seth's face turned gentle pink. "Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

Seth reached over to the counter for a tissue. "Sorry," he said again, but this time he sounded sorry. He pressed the tissue against Ryan's lips. "Really sorry."

Ryan pulled the tissue away and kissed him, and this time Seth didn't bite him.

"Forget it," he said.

Seth grinned at him, and Ryan felt himself inanely grinning back, even though he barely ever grinned, and especially not inanely.

"So," Seth said. "Coke or mountain dew?"

"I'll go for the gaterade."

Seth tossed the bottle to him. "Gater away, my friend."

As they entered the living room, Marissa threw them a petulant glare.

"Finally, I thought you'd gotten lost." She frowned. "Seth, there's tissue stuck to your lip, and Ryan you're bleeding. What were you guys doing in there?"

Seth gestured to the gaterade. "A very dangerous product. Never try to open with your teeth."

Ryan smiled.

Marissa shook her head, bemused. "I chose Sleepless in Seattle. No zombies, sorry Seth."

Ryan resisted the urge to groan. Sleepless in Seattle?

"Can't we watch Moulin Rouge?" Seth asked. "That's way less soppy. Everyone dies."

"Seth only one person dies. And it's right at the end."

"He likes the can can dancing," Ryan said, sliding onto the floor next to where Seth was sprawled.

Marissa, waiting for him to sit next to her, looked slightly taken aback when he chose to sit with Seth. She stretched casually along the couch, as if it was no big deal.

"I don't like Moulin Rouge. It makes me cry."

Seth rolled his eyes. "Marissa, everything makes you cry. You cry at happy, you cry at sad. You'd probably even cry at the zombies. Sleepless in Seattle will definitely make you cry."

"You _said_ I could choose."

Ryan couldn't deny that. "You did say it man."

"You," Seth pointed at him, "Be quiet. Who's side are you on anyway? And you," he pointed at Marissa, "_can_ choose. Just not this one."

Marissa folded her arms across her chest. "So I can choose anything I want, as long as it coincides with what you want, and involves zombies."

Seth grinned at Ryan.

"She's finally getting it."

Ryan shook his head.

"So choose Marissa. And before we get old, please."

Marissa threw a pillow at his head.

"Okay, I so did not deserve that. Ryan?"

Ryan raised an eyebrow. "I'd say you were asking for it."

"Oh thank you very much. Marissa, if you don't choose then Ryan and I will play Grand Theft Auto all evening."

"I _have_ chosen."

"Yeah, by choosing I mean choose something _I _like."

"You are such an only child."

"Do I deny it?"

She scowled. "Fine. We'll watch Moulin Rouge."

Seth made a mock prayer sign with his hands. "All hail the can can dancers."

Marissa threw another pillow at him. "Just get on with it."

Ryan smiled at the exasperated look Seth sent him. "That one you didn't deserve."

"Thank you."

"Just turn it on, Seth!"

"I'm going to-argh!"

Another pillow hit him square in the face.

"Right. That's it."

Marissa shrieked as he began pelting her with pillows, trying unsuccessfully to hide behind Ryan, who was then also pelted by the pillows.

"You are dead," he told Seth.

"Oh no, no." Seth backed up as Ryan grabbed some of the fallen pillows and advanced on him. "Marissa, help me!"

Marissa jumped on Ryan's back from behind, and giggled as he tried to throw the pillows behind him, at her, whilst Seth threw them from the other direction.

It was ridiculous and childish and completely clichéd, but Ryan was loving every second.

Maybe they could make this work after all. Maybe he and Marissa could just be friends.

Maybe everything would be fine.

* * *

"Everything is not going to be fine."

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"You don't know that."

"Yeah? Well when they have to carry me home on a stretcher, you can just remember those words."

Ryan reached out and casually ran his fingers down Seth's arm. "It's okay. We have a plan."

They _did_ have a plan. It was just a really stupid one.

"Yeah, use Summer as my bodyguard. Who came up with that one again?"

"You'll be okay."

It was Monday morning, and Seth was in the pool house in full freak out mode whilst waiting for Summer to pick him up. He was standing in front of Ryan's mirror, ashen faced, whilst Ryan stood behind him, running his hand up and down Seth's arm in an extremely comforting way.

"You know, it's kind of hard to be completely negative and fear dying when you keep touching me like that."

"Sorry," Ryan said, but he didn't stop.

Not that Seth minded particularly. Something he'd learned about Ryan over the past few days was that he liked to touch Seth. A lot. Which Seth, in return, also like a lot. No one had ever wanted to constantly touch him before. Not even Summer.

He leaned back slightly, resting against Ryan's (as cheesy as it was to think it) washboard abs. Which really _were_ washboard. And very, very nice.

"God, I wish I didn't have to go."

"And I wish I did."

Seth turned his head slightly, breathing in Ryan's scent. Ryan smelt so _good_.

"Maybe we should both just go to the beach," he murmured.

"Yeah, because your mom and dad would just love that."

"Mmm, don't care," Seth replied, pressing himself a little closer.

He felt Ryan's arm come up around him, and shifted so they were face to face, his own arm around Ryan's neck.

Ryan pressed their foreheads together.

"Suddenly, I don't either."

The pool house door opened.

Ryan and Seth jumped apart, and Seth realised they were going to have to be a lot more careful. That was twice in two days someone had burst in on them. And they'd only been together two days.

"Seth, I-"

Summer broke off as she took in the sight of them, bolting apart, all flushed and guilty.

She smiled slowly, folding her arms across her chest.

"Oh I'm sorry. Was I interrupting something?"

Ryan shot Seth a look from under his hair.

Seth rolled his eyes.

"No Summer, do come in. Ryan and I weren't at all having any private time into which you are most certainly not invited."

"Oh," replied Summer with a smile. "Well that's okay then."

Seth rolled his eyes again.

"Come on, Cohen. We gotta go."

Seth nodded. "Sure, I'll be out in a minute."

Summer gave him a knowing look. Seth felt like hitting her.

"Bye Chino."

When she'd gone, Ryan looked at Seth.

"She knows, right?"

"Oh she knows. Knew before I did, in fact. Don't ask me how."

Seth picked up his backpack, took a deep breath.

"Well, here I go."

"It'll be fine."

"Yeah, yeah, sure."

Ryan grabbed him by the elbow, pulled him back and kissed him.

"It _will_ be fine."

Seth _really_ couldn't concentrate when Ryan touched him.

Summer was waiting in the car, the radio tuned loud to something Seth couldn't even call music. As he slid into the front seat she turned it down, facing him with an expectant look on her face.

"So?"

"So...?"

"How did it go?" she asked impatiently.

"My goodbye to Ryan?"

"No you idiot. Ryan period. You guys are obviously talking again."

"Dare I say we kissed and made up?"

Summer let out a little squeal. "Oh my God, you totally kissed him. So are you, like, a couple now. Is he your boyfriend?"

"Um no, and no. Ryan and I are not, as you put it, a couple. Nor is he my boyfriend. Or I his."

"But you're dating?"

"No, we're definitely not dating."

"So what are you?"

"You know. I have no idea. We are...complicated."

Summer frowned. "But you are together, right?"

"That we are. And very much in a non platonic, sexual sense."

"You're having sex with him?"

"No!" cried Seth. "And could you be any louder? It's not like I don't want the whole neighbourhood to hear I'm dating Ryan, or anything. I just think it might be saved for a better time."

"I thought you said you _weren't_ dating him."

"I'm not."

"You seem to be in conflict with yourself."

Summer started the car.

"Do you have to be so smart all the time?" Seth asked.

Summer shrugged. "It's a gift."

"Well today your gift had better be protection. As in of me. Because I'm gonna need it."

"What can Brad actually do? It's not like his parents don't know now."

"Uh, beat me senseless?"

"Then just tell your mom and dad. I don't think they, or Brad's parents, would be too happy."

"Yeah, go running to my mom and dad. Again. I'm sure that won't make Brad any madder than he already is."

"I think Brad's scared of Ryan."

Seth sighed. "I know Brad's scared of Ryan. But Ryan's at home. In the pool house. Where I wish I could be right now."

He really did wish he could be in the pool house. He wished he could be on Ryan's bed. Preferably with Ryan. He wished Ryan could touch him, and make him forget about Brad and school and his parents and everything. He wished he could be with Ryan.

"It's gonna be fine. Just stick with me, okay? Even Brad won't beat someone up in front of a girl."

"Wow Summer. That makes me feel so much better."

They parked the car and went into school, Seth sticking close to Summer despite his scathing comments. Summer was right, even Brad wouldn't beat on someone in front of their best girl friend.

As they approached Summer's locker, which just happened to be conveniently near to Brad's, they saw him coming up the hall from the other direction.

"Stay cool, Cohen," Summer muttered.

Brad's nose was all purple and swollen, and Seth felt a little lighter, knowing Ryan had left his mark. Brad sneered at him, but didn't say anything, and Seth was beginning to think it really _was_ going to be okay when Summer started down the hall without him, and Brad took the opportunity to hiss "You're dead." in Seth's ear before slamming his locker shut and stomping off down the hall.

Summer stopped and glared at him impatiently. "Move it, Cohen. The bell's about to go."

She wrinkled her nose. "And why are you so pasty? You really need a tan."

Seth nodded dumbly and followed her. It looked like he'd be needing that stretcher after all.

* * *

Ryan stares at the clock on the wall. It seems to be moving half the normal speed.

It's only been one hour. One hour.

He isn't sure he can survive this day. He should do something to take his mind off it. He thinks about Playstation, but without Seth it doesn't seem right. He wonders about a movie, some day time t.v, but that doesn't seem right either.

One hour and ten minutes.

God, he hopes Seth is alright.

What if Brad is beating him up right now?

_Don't think about it._

He wonders if Marissa has gone back to school yet. He knows she took the rest of last week off, after the whole 'almost getting Seth killed by a truck' thing. He wonders if he should go next door and see. He wonders if they can really be friends. He wonders what her reaction will be when she learns about him and Seth.

He decides not to go and see her. He doesn't want to think about Marissa right now. He wants to think about Seth. He wants to think about how much he likes touching Seth. He doesn't want to think about Seth bent double in pain with a fist in his stomach.

Around lunchtime, Ryan decides to forgo brooding for a sandwich.

He makes it carefully, methodically, buttering each slice of bread then adding some lettuce, tomato and finally baloney. He cuts it in half, pours himself some orange juice and sits at the counter.

He smiles, remembering how Seth looked the morning before, covered in flour and blueberries, wearing his baggy pajama pants and a Superman t-shirt.

God, he hopes Seth's alright.

* * *

Seth isn't alright.

At that moment he thinks he may actually be about to die, and it is definitely Summer's fault. Or Marissa's.

It would have just happened that as they were walking to lunch, Summer was cornered about the classes they missed on Thursday whilst trying to rescue Marissa from certain doom. It would have just happened that Summer had to go and get the make up work and Seth was told to go on ahead. It would have just happened that Brad was stalking them, and took the first chance he got to drag Seth around the back of the Drama department and hurt him.

That is Seth's life story. Everything 'just happens' at the worst time.

And now Seth is surely about to die. Because Brad has his arm wrapped around Seth's neck, only it isn't quite the same way that Seth had earlier wrapped his own arm around Ryan's neck. Not at all the same.

"You little faggot," Brad says, face all red and screwed up and not very attractive.

Seth isn't entirely sure he can deny it either, what with the whole Ryan thing.

"Thought you'd run to my parents, did you? Thought you'd run to your mom and dad?"

Seth struggles to breath around Brad's strangling grip.

"Uh, that's not strictly true. My parents kind of found out after Ryan beat the crap out of you. Nice nose, by the way."

Oops, not the right thing to say, if Brad's reaction is any indication.

Because Brad is reacting. In fact, he is holding Seth's throat in one hand and slowly crushing his windpipe.

God, Seth really _is_ going to die.

"You'll pay for that, Cohen. And for what your charity case did to me."

Brad smiles his not so nice smile.

"Oh yeah, you're gonna pay."

And then Brad is hitting him, and Seth still can't breathe properly, and everything gets blurry and painful and dark.


	5. All About You

Disc: I don't own it

Warnings: slash, angst, drunkenness, the works

a/ns: I seem to have found sudden inspiration for this story, which probably has a lot t do with a certain someone who bugs me about updating every time I see her (yes, you know who you are…) I hope this satisfies!

"_Yesterday you asked me something I thought you knew, so I told you with a smile; it's all about you." -McFly_

Seth was dead.

At least he _thought_ he was dead.

Who was that calling him? Could it possibly be Saint Peter? Then again, would Saint Peter be calling him Cohen? Seth didn't think so. Nor did he think Saint Peter would be shaking him so violently. Which might possibly mean that he wasn't dead after all. Perhaps he should try opening his eyes?

"Cohen!"

Hmm, there was Saint Peter again. Or not.

"Cohen, if you don't open your eyes I am going to hurt you."

Seth was already hurting.

"No more pain," he mumbled.

The violent shaking stopped.

"Seth?"

Now _that_ sounded more like Saint Peter.

"Am I dead?" he asked.

He heard a snort.

"God Seth, drama much." There was a sigh. "No, you're not dead. Though Brad will be when Ryan finds out what he did to you."

"Ryan?" Seth was confused. How did Saint Peter know Ryan?

"Yes Cohen. Ryan. You know, your non boyfriend. Now can you open your eyes please?"

Seth opened his eyes.

He was lying on his back behind the drama block, Summer knelt by his side, looking uncharacteristically worried.

"Are you okay?"

Hmm. Was he okay?

"Not sure."

He moved to sit up, but froze when a wave of nausea rushed over him.

"Not okay, not okay. Going to be sick."

Summer gave a little "ew" and moved back whilst Seth leant over and retched his breakfast onto the grass.

"Nice, Cohen." She bent down and slipped an arm around his back. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

He squinted at her. "Am I a mess?"

"Well that's one way of putting it. Come on."

She helped him limp to the boys bathroom, and, after checking there was no one inside, locked the door. Seth was having a vivid flashback of being in here with Ryan, getting freaked about Ryan coming on to him. Who would have thought it would turn out the other way around? Ironic. He wondered if Ryan had _just_ wanted to see his bruises, if maybe he'd wanted to see Seth with his shirt off, and just needed an excuse. He wondered if he was flattering himself.

"Seth, hello?"

"Hmm?"

"I've been calling you for, like, five minutes. Do you have concussion?"

"Um, I don't know Summer. Although with my full doctor's qualification you'd really think I should."

"Shut it, Cohen."

She grabbed some toilet tissue and ran it under the tap.

"Your face isn't too bad, it's just your eye's a little red." She began dabbing at his eye. "Where did he get you most?"

Seth winced as she touched his sore face. He remembered Brad's grip around his neck. "He tried to strangle me a little bit."

Summer pulled down his shirt collar.

"God Cohen."

"Is it bad?"

She pushed him towards the mirror.

Seth stared at himself in revulsion. There were angry red marks, already starting to purple, circling his neck, the clear prints of finger tips dotted around the edges. His right eye was swollen, though not too badly, his shirt slightly ripped on his left shoulder.

Seth pulled up the edge, revealing his stomach and ribs. The bruises from last week were still there, but were now accompanied by fresh, ugly marks standing red and angry against the pale skin.

"Well," said Seth. "You have to hand it to Brad. The guy sure knows how to hit."

Summer didn't reply, and when he glanced over at her, he was surprised to see her eyes glistening with tears.

"Hey."

She snapped her gaze from his chest.

"I never realised," she said softly.

"What? That Brad's a jerk."

"No. That...that they really hurt you. That we really hurt you."

"Summer..."

She shook her head, cutting him off.

"All those times you said you didn't like talking about how it was before, I just thought you were being melodramatic. But this was what it was like, wasn't it? This is what they used to do to you, and I-" She lowered her head, and Seth saw some of the tears escape. "I helped. I let it happen. I couldn't have cared less."

What could Seth say? It was true. It had been exactly like that. She hadn't cared. No one had.

"We're different people now," he said.

Summer looked at him. He smiled slightly, tried to show her that it didn't matter any more, that it was different mow. She brushed the tears away.

"Yeah, but I guess Brad's still the same."

Seth sighed. Sometimes his life just sucked. He used his right arm to smooth his shirt front down, and as he was lowering it to his side Summer reached forward suddenly and grabbed it. She yanked the sleeve back to reveal a bracelet of finger shaped bruises.

"He got you here too?"

"Um no."

"No? Then how did you get these?"

Oh, God. How did he explain that one?

"Uh, Ryan did that."

Summer blinked in disbelief. "Ryan? As in the guy who's in love with you?"

"He's not in love with me. And yes. But it's okay. I bit him."

"You...you bit him?" She dropped his arm. "God Cohen, I didn't realise you were so kinky."

"Kinky? Oh! Oh no, nooo. Not like that. Urgh. We were fighting."

"You bit him in a fight?"

Seth shrugged. "He kept trying to kiss me."

For a moment Summer just stared at him, then she shook her head.

"Well, I doubt the romance between you two will ever be boring, to say the least. And he does, by the way."

Seth frowned. "Does what?"

"Love you."

* * *

Ryan was pacing a hole in the living room floor. 

Man, this sucked.

He hated being stuck here, _hated_ it. Anything could be happening to Seth right now, and he was here, helpless to do anything about it.

Perhaps he should call. Would Seth mind if he called?

He reached for the phone.

But what if Seth thought that Ryan was being too overbearing. What if he got offended? What if he thought that Ryan thought Seth couldn't handle himself. Which was true, of course, but not something Ryan wanted Seth to think he thought.

He was even sounding like Seth now.

The phone rang.

Ryan jumped, then felt stupid for jumping at the phone.

Maybe it was Seth.

"Hello?"

"Ryan?"

Marissa.

"Hey Marissa, what's up?"

"Nothing. I heard about your suspension. Sorry."

"Yeah."

There was an uncomfortable pause.

"Well anyway, I'm still at home and wondered if you wanted to hang out."

Ryan hesitated. "I'm kinda in disgrace right now. I don't think Sandy and Kirsten would like it if I left."

"So don't leave. I'll come over there. We can hang out in the pool house."

Ryan really didn't want to hang out in the pool house right now. The pool house made him think of Seth.

"Sure, why not."

"Okay." She sounded pleased. "So I'll see you in a few?"

"Sure," he said again.

"Cool." She hung up.

Ryan sighed and tossed the phone onto the coffee table. He didn't feel like hanging out with Marissa right now. He felt like moping and brooding and thinking about Seth.

_Embrace the friend._

He sighed. Marissa was their friend now. He had to embrace her, that's what Seth would do.

She was already in the pool house when he got there, sitting on the bed, one of Seth's mixed c.ds playing softly on the stereo.

"Hey." She patted the bed bedside her, and he obediently went to sit.

"So," she said. "What do you wanna do?"

There was a playful glint in her eye that Ryan wasn't too sure he liked.

"Um this is good," he replied, trying to inch away from her without actually looking like he was inching. "Just, you know, listening to music."

Marissa nodded and stretched casually, sticking her chest out slightly.

Oh God.

"So, you beat up Brad, right?"

Ryan nodded.

"Well I'm sure he did something to deserve it. He's a first class jerk."

Ryan nodded again.

"Are you okay? You seem kinda quiet."

She reached out a hand to touch his shoulder and he jerked back reflexively.

A hurt look passed across her face. "Sorry."

Ryan sighed. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't sleep well last night, what with the whole suspension thing." _And the Seth getting killed thing_, he added silently.

It was true, he'd slept terribly last night, even after Seth had given him several long kisses goodnight. He'd wanted to ask him to stay again, but Sandy had come in and told Seth to get in the house, that it was late.

"I heard you broke his nose."

"I hope so," he replied viciously.

"What did he do to you?"

Ryan hesitated. He'd promised Seth he wouldn't tell.

"You can tell me."

Ryan shrugged slightly. "He laid into Seth a little," he said, trying not to make it sound like a big deal.

"So you broke his nose? You could have gone back to juvie."

"Yeah, I've already had that lecture, thanks."

"Sorry." She paused. "So are the Cohens really mad?"

He shrugged again.

"I guess. I'm grounded until I go back to school."

Marissa looked slightly aghast. "But that means you'll miss the Kiss and Tell fund raiser on Wednesday."

Ryan grimaced. The Kiss and Tell fund raiser. Organised by the social committee of Harbour to raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness. He _wished_ he were missing it. "Unfortunately not. Kirsten thinks sending me will be an appropriate punishment."

Marissa frowned at his reluctance. "But that's great! You'll have a fantastic time."

"Yeah, because I love the Newport social events so much."

"Well _I'll_ be there. I'll make sure you have a good time. I promise."

Ryan smiled weakly. It was going to be a nightmare.

"I wanted to tell you something."

Ryan raised his eyebrows.

"I've stopped. Drinking. Look, I know last week I was totally stupid, but it made me realise what I was doing. Throwing away my life. I'm really going to try this time."

Ryan couldn't help but be sceptical. He'd seen her try before.

"That's great. I really hope you make it."

She hesitated, picking at the bed sheet.

"I was hoping that maybe now you've had time to cool off you could think about giving us another chance."

Ryan opened his mouth to reply, but she rushed on.

"I know I screwed up. I know I hurt you, but I'm sorry and I'm trying I really am. Please, please forgive me Ryan."

Ryan gritted his teeth.

"Perhaps it's Seth's forgiveness you should be asking for. After all, he's the one you nearly killed."

Marissa's eyes had got all glassy.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I don't know how to put things right between us."

"Because there is no us."

He stood up, putting some distance between them.

"We've talked about this."

"But you were angry."

"But I still meant it." He turned to look at her. "I meant it."

Marissa shook her head. "You can't just throw it away, throw us away. We were just getting back on track after Oliver and everything."

_Oliver. _Ryan really wished she hadn't mentioned Oliver.

"I've tried Marissa. I've tried, but I can't pretend for you any more." He took a deep breath. "There's someone else."

Marissa stood up. "Who?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Then why should I believe you?"

He shrugged. "You don't have to. But I'm telling you the truth."

Marissa narrowed her eyes. "Whoever she is, she can't love you like I do."

He didn't bother to correct her.

"I'm not going to let you go without a fight, Ryan."

He remembered her saying the same thing after Oliver.

"You should go."

"No!"

"Marissa, leave. Now."

"I'm not going to let you do this!"

"Just leave!"

They stared at each other silently, their wills battling.

"Hey Ryan. How was your...day. Hey Marissa."

Seth was standing in the pool house doorway.

For a moment nobody moved, then Marissa turned away.

"Hi Seth, I- oh my God. What happened to your eye?"

Seth reached a hand to his swollen eye.

"Oh you know, basketball. Very violent game."

Ryan clenched his jaw. _Basketball_.

"Are you okay?" Marissa asked, stepping toward him.

Seth waved a hand. It didn't escape Ryan's notice that Seth wasn't meeting his eye. "It's nothing."

"Are you sure?"

Seth nodded. "But what about you? When are you coming back to school?"

Marissa looked at the floor. "I don't know. But Seth, I wanted to say I'm sorry. For the other day. Almost getting you killed. I really am."

"It's okay."

She looked at him. "It is?"

"I know you're going through some stuff. You didn't mean for all that to happen. It's okay."

Ryan wished that Seth weren't quite so forgiving.

Marissa stood on tip toes and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek then left, without looking at Ryan.

Ryan sighed and sank onto the couch.

"You okay, man?"

He nodded, his head in his hands.

"She thinks I'm still in love with her."

"Oh."

"Yeah." Ryan looked up. "Are _you_ okay?"

Seth shrugged slightly. "It's just a black eye."

"Are you sure that's all it is?"

Seth nodded. "Brad was surprisingly gentle."

Ryan glanced at his watch. "I didn't realise that was the time."

Funny, since the day had been moving so slowly.

Seth closed the door and flopped onto the bed.

"Yep. Figured it would be a nice chance for some Seth/Ryan time."

"Seth/Ryan time?"

"Yeah. Except I thought we could rename it Seth/Ryan Make Out time. What do you think?"

Ryan pretended to consider. "The idea definitely has merit." He got up and sat beside Seth on the bed. "So you're really okay?"

"I'm fine." Seth pulled on Ryan's shoulder, forcing him to lie beside him. "Stop worrying."

Then they were kissing and Ryan remembered exactly what he'd been pining for all day. He felt Seth's hand on his arm, stroking the back of his neck and he slid his own around Seth's waist, pulling him closer as he manoeuvred Seth underneath him, pressing their bodies together.

Seth suddenly went very still.

Ryan pulled away.

Seth looked a little pale.

"Too much?" Ryan asked.

Seth shook his head. "No it's fine. It's just..."

He didn't finish his sentence but Ryan didn't need him to, because he'd understood.

Seth wasn't fine. Not by a long shot.

"What did he do to you?" He tried to keep his voice low and controlled, but there was no mistaking the undercurrent of anger.

"Ryan-"

"What. Did. He Do. To You."

Seth sighed, then reached up and undid the collar and first few buttons of his shirt.

Ryan stared at the marks for a very long time, trying not to move, trying not to even breathe because at that moment he felt the uncontrollable boiling rage bubbling up inside of him.

Brad had tried to strangle Seth.

"Is there more?" he finally asked.

Seth hesitated, then nodded.

"Show me."

He undid the rest of his shirt, and Ryan felt a physical sickness when he looked at Seth's chest.

"You lied to me," he said quietly.

"Because I knew you would react like this. It's not like we didn't know it was going to happen. There's nothing you can do. And hurting Brad again will only make the situation worse."

Ryan scowled, because at that moment he had been think about hurting Brad. A lot.

He ran his fingers lightly over Seth's ribs, placing his palm over a particularly nasty looking bruise. He closed his eyes, concentrating on the feel of Seth's skin beneath his fingers, trying to control the blinding rage inside.

He felt Seth's fingers covering his own, then Seth's arms were around his neck and he was kissing Ryan, desperately, needily, and Ryan was kissing back just as desperate, just as needy, his palm covering Seth's heart, feeling it beating under the skin, and Seth was tugging Ryan's t-shirt off and pressing himself close, skin to skin, and _God_ that felt good.

They stayed like that for some time, just holding each other, Ryan's hand over Seth's heart, Seth's arms wrapped around Ryan's neck, until Ryan wordlessly untangled himself and retrieved a tube of cream from the bathroom that he'd used before after numerous fights.

He pushed Seth down onto the bed, then leant over him, kissing his lips then the necklace of bruises around his neck, working his way across his ribs and down his stomach, his lips infinitely gentle and feather soft, his fingers following where his lips went, carefully rubbing the cream into the skin until there were no more bruises left to kiss and Seth was tugging him upwards, tangling their legs together and rolling them over so he could lay on Ryan's chest, his hand in Ryan's hair and his lips on Ryan's neck.

"I'm sorry," Ryan said.

Seth sighed. "It's not your fault."

"If I hadn't gone off at Brad-"

"Then Brad would have found some other way to torment me. Maybe this way he's got it out of his system."

Ryan didn't say anything, but he had a feeling things were going to get a lot worse before Brad had it out of his system. He ran his fingers up and down Seth's spine.

"I promise you it will be okay."

"You can't make everything okay, Ryan."

Ryan looked down at him, but couldn't see Seth's face.

"Are you angry at me?"

"What?" Seth shifted his head so they could make eye contact. "Of course not. I'm just trying to tell you you're not Superman. That the world isn't your problem."

"But you _are_ my problem. Because I...care about you." God, he'd almost said he loved him then.

Seth kissed him. "Right now, let's just forget about Brad. He isn't here, but you and I definitely are. Let's concentrate on that."

Hmm. Ryan didn't think that was such a bad idea.

* * *

"I don't know how I'm going to do it. I have to help her choose the dresses, the flowers. She still hasn't got a location. Why me?" 

Kirsten Cohen had never supported Julie Cooper's marriage to her father. Julie drove her insane. Her father drove her insane. They were both money hungry, power grabbing, terrifying specimens of humanity. Together, they would be Newport's very own nightmare.

Kirsten turned imploringly to her husband.

"Please, tell me why it had to be me?"

Sandy laughed and slipped his arms around her waist.

"But you're so good at dealing with Julie."

"I hate dealing with Julie."

He kissed her, gently.

"Face it, you're a people person."

She groaned. "I don't want to be a people person. Especially not a Julie Cooper person."

"She's your friend."

"I know. How did that happen again?"

"You're just irresistible, darling."

"Mmm? Irresistible?"

"Most definitely."

She giggled slightly as he kissed her neck, his hands creeping upwards.

"Woah, no, no parents. Not in the kitchen, in full view of our unprotected eyes, please."

Kirsten sighed and pulled away.

"Hello Seth, how was...school. What happened to your eye?"

"Basketball," supplied Ryan, coming through the glass door.

"Basketball, huh?" asked Sandy, raising his eyebrows.

Kirsten felt a clenching around her heart. Oh God, Brad had done this. And it was her and Sandy's fault.

"Yeah dad, basketball. You know, messy, sweaty, supposedly non-contact sport?"

"You sure you got that in basketball?"

"Yes father. Look, I know what you're thinking, but Brad was actually okay today. I think you guys scared him pretty good. Well, that and Ryan almost killing him."

Ryan glanced uncomfortably at the floor.

"So you're okay?" Kirsten asked.

Seth swung an arm around her shoulders. "Absolutely. And now, now we need to think about picking up that shiny phone and calling for take out. Because I am starved." He glanced behind him. "And I think Ryan might be looking a little hungry as well, though it's kind of hard to tell, through the guilt and the brooding."

Ryan looked up and met Seth's eyes. Seth shook his head, a tiny, almost unperceivable movement, and Ryan hesitated, then smiled slightly.

Kirsten watched the exchange. Something had changed between them, though she wasn't sure what.

"So what are we thinking?" Seth was saying. "Mexican? Indian? Chinese? Taco Bell?"

"I vote Chinese," said Sandy. "Ryan?"

Ryan, who had been watching Seth, looked slightly guilty. "Um, yes?"

Seth rolled his eyes. "We'll take that as two for Chinese."

Kirsten narrowed her eyes. Something was definitely going on between those two.

"Choose whatever you want, sweetie. Ryan? Can I have a word with you?"

Ryan looked hesitant. "Uh, sure."

They went into the living room.

"Okay, what's going on?"

Ryan glanced sideways. "What do you mean."

"I mean you and Seth. Did he really get that bruise during basketball."

Ryan shrugged. "I wasn't there. But that's what he told me."

"Would he tell you, if he didn't."

To her surprise, Ryan smiled slightly. "Yeah, he'd tell me."

"And you'd tell us?" She pressed.

"Of course."

She studied him. It was so hard to tell what Ryan was thinking.

"Okay," she said.

Ryan raised an eyebrow, and she gestured to the door. "Go on."

Whatever _was_ going on, she just hoped they could handle it.

* * *

Seth was on a mission. 

He opened the door a crack and peered carefully into the dark hallway.

All clear.

He slipped out, edging along the wall, until he came to the top step, and began inching down, hoping none of the stairs creaked and wishing he'd learnt to count them, like in the movies. The hall floor was extremely cold under his bare feet, and he bit back a gasp at the unexpected contact. Hell. This wasn't as fun as he thought it would be. By the time he'd reached the pool house, he'd stubbed his right big toe three times and his left once, he'd walked into the kitchen island and bashed his knee, and, when he tried to open the pool house door, he managed to knock his funny bone on the window pane.

He paused, swearing colourfully under his breath, and the door opened from the other side.

Ryan was looking all dishevelled and sleepy. Seth must have woken him.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," Ryan replied, looking slightly confused.

Suddenly Seth got a weird feeling in his stomach, and his palms were all sweaty. What if Ryan didn't want him to stay? What if he was just making a big fool of himself. Oh God.

"I was just, um, walking," he invented. "Yeah, and I tripped. Sorry if I woke you. I'll be going now." He turned to leave, but Ryan's voice stopped him.

"Or you could come in."

His eyes were on Seth's feet.

"Unless you're enjoying getting frostbite."

Seth narrowed his eyes. "You are being funny," he stated.

Ryan smiled slightly. "I may be prone to being funny at one am."

"Hmm." Seth slipped inside. "I guess that's okay, just don't make a habit of it. I'm the funny one. If you decide to be funny, then what will my role be in life?"

"You could start musicals."

"There you go again with the funny."

Ryan slid into bed, pulling Seth with him.

"You must be rubbing off on me."

Seth tried really hard not think about the sexual connotations of _that_ remark.

"So this fund raiser on Wednesday? How much are we looking forward to that."

Ryan groaned. "Don't remind me. Marissa's promised she'll make it a 'fun night' for me."

"Well," said Seth carefully. "Maybe she will."

He felt Ryan looking at him in the darkness. "You're not going to bite me again, are you?"

"No. I didn't mean that in a jealous, weird way. I meant it in a fun, friendship way."

Ryan sighed. "You know after Oliver, when everyone said we were never friends? I think you were right. Marissa wants to be more than friends."

"But you don't, right?"

Ryan was looking at him again.

"Right, right, stupid question. Minor bout of insecurity there. Nothing to worry about. And I'll stick close to you on Wednesday. Make sure Marissa can't get near you. It'll be fine."

"I don't want to go."

"Me either. But we don't really have a choice."

The next two days passed remarkably quickly, and before Seth had had time to obsess over just how much he didn't want to go, it was Wednesday evening, and Seth was standing in front of the mirror in his suit, wishing his eye had had a chance to go down a little more. (Though thankfully Brad seemed to have decided one ass kicking was enough for this week. Either that or he didn't want to get caught.)

"This evening is totally going to blow," he told his reflection. "It will bomb. It will be like the Titanic. Or Gigli."

"Talking to yourself?" Ryan asked from the doorway.,

"I do it all the time. Some kind of insanity thing."

Ryan came into the room. "You look nice."

"As do you." Seth frowned. "Much nicer than me, in fact. How do you have the ability to look good in everything? And, oh dear, now I sound like Summer."

Ryan stood beside him.

"I don't think I look better than you."

"Man, you definitely look better than me. Even you hair. Even your tie. And this is an unbelievably girly conversation."

Ryan was brushing their fingers together in an extremely distracting way.

"Let's not go," Seth said. "Let's go to the pool house and hang out and listen to music and kiss."

"Mmm," Ryan murmured into his neck. "I wish we could."

"We could still do the kissing part," Seth whispered.

Ryan pressed their lips together.

"Seth, Ryan?" Kirsten's voice floated up the stairs. "Ready to go?"

Seth groaned and buried his face in Ryan's shoulder. "Why does that keep happening to us?"

The fund raiser was being held in the mid town Gallery of Modern Art, and when they arrived it was already thronging with people. Seth fought a childish impulse to grab Ryan's hand, and reminded himself that it was going to be fine, that Brad couldn't exactly beat him up in a room full of Newport's social elite, with Ryan right there. Could he?

"Eleven o'clock," Ryan muttered in his ear, as Julie Cooper stalked through the crowd towards them.

"Kiki!" she called. "So good to see you. And Sandy, Seth." She turned to each of them in turn. "Ryan," she muttered, looking like she'd rather poison him than greet him. She slipped her arm through Kirsten's and swung her around in a circle. "Isn't it wonderful?" she asked. "Marissa's really outdone herself this time. This is going to be the social event of the year." She gave a little laugh. "Apart from my wedding of course."

"God forbid anyone should outdo that," Sandy muttered. Seth and Ryan smirked as Kirsten elbowed him in the ribs.

"Kiki, let me get you a drink. We simply must talk bridesmaid dresses. Now I was thinking fusia. Or lavender. But is lavender too common? I want it to make a statement. I want it to say 'Julie Cooper'. Or should I say Julie Nichol?"

Kirsten looked back at them as Julie dragged her toward the bar.

_Help me, _she mouthed.

Sandy shrugged, holding up his hands whilst trying desperately not to laugh.

"Your mother does have a way with Julie Cooper," he said.

"Yeah, as long as her way doesn't become our way," said Seth. He wanted to spend as little time with Julie Cooper as possible.

Sandy patted his shoulder. "I know exactly what you mean, son. If you'll excuse me, I have to go and see a man about some mushrooms." He headed off into the crowd.

Ryan raised an eyebrow. "Mushrooms?"

Seth shrugged. "Don't ask me to fathom the minds of my parents." He glanced around. "Do you feel like talking to anyone?"

"Not really. You?"

"Nada. Let's find a corner."

"Right with you, man."

They were preparing to slip away when a voice reached them through the buzz of conversation.

"Ryan! Seth!"

Ryan didn't turn around. "It's Marissa."

"Embrace the friend," Seth muttered. "Marissa, hi. Nice to see you, how are you doing by the way?"_ Pushed anyone in front of a truck lately? _Hmm, maybe he wasn't as over that as he'd thought.

She smiled at him. "I'm fine thanks. And your eye looks better."

Seth automatically reached up to touch it, trying to ignore the way Ryan's jaw tightened at the mention.

"It is, thanks."

Marissa looked hesitantly at Ryan, and Seth got the impression she wanted him to leave them alone. _Not happening._

"You did a great job," he said, waving an arm around the gallery. "I like the silver."

Marissa nodded. "It's to match the kisses," she explained.

"Kisses?" Ryan asked.

She gave him what Seth supposed was a coy smile.

"Yeah. That's the point of it. Kiss and tell." She laughed at their bewildered expressions. "You'll see."

As if on cue, someone beckoned her from the stage. "I have to go." She looked at Ryan again. "Dance with me, later."

"Uh, I don't dance."

She smiled. "I'll take that as a yes, then."

Seth watched as she moved gracefully through the crowd, running daintily up the steps onto a makeshift stage. He felt a sudden stab of insecurity. She was so perfect. Slim and beautiful and popular. Why on earth did Ryan want him when he could have Marissa?

Marissa stepped up to take the microphone, her beaded dress sparkling under the lights, tendrils of hair falling casually around her face.

"I'd like to thank you all for coming tonight, and welcome you to the Kiss and Tell fund raiser for Breast Cancer Awareness." She paused for applause. "Now, as some of you may have gathered, this isn't your average fund raiser. The students at Harbour wanted to do something a little different. This is why, all night, we will be giving away free Hershey's Kisses, which you were all given one of when you came in, and which we expect you to give to your loved ones. Every time a kiss is taken, ten cents will be donated to breast cancer research. So we need you to Kiss and Tell to raise the money. The kisses can be gotten from the stands at the back, where our able assistants will be distributing them." She gestured to several girls in silver dresses holding large baskets of kisses. "I would like to start off the evening by giving out my first kiss to someone who has been there for me during the last year like no one else."

Seth glanced at Ryan, who was staring at Marissa.

"This person has a very special place in my heart, and I would like to tell them thank you, for always being there for me, even when I didn't deserve it. Ryan Atwood, would you care to join me for the first dance?"

Ryan seemed frozen to the spot. Seth gave him a little nudge, and he stumbled slightly, then began walking towards the centre of the room. Marissa met him half way, and held the kiss out in front of her.

Ryan took it.

Seth watched as she slipped her hand into his, their bodies fitting together perfectly as they began to slowly dance. Marissa seemed to be saying something, and, although Seth couldn't see Ryan's face, he seemed to be talking back. Ryan stiffened slightly, then pulled Marissa a little closer.

Oh God.

Seth couldn't bear to watch. If Ryan was going to dump him for Marissa, then the least he could was, well, _not_ do it in front of all their peers.

He turned and walked out of the room.

* * *

Ryan thought he might actually kill Marissa. 

He hated to dance. _Hated_ to, and she knew it. Yet she'd dragged him up here anyway. He took the kiss from her, and let her pull him into an embrace, dancing as they had so many times before. Yet this time was different, because Ryan didn't want to be dancing with Marissa in the centre of the room. He wanted to be with Seth in a corner, laughing at his jokes and listening to him ramble.

"I miss this," Marissa said.

Ryan said nothing.

"I miss you. Ryan, I miss you."

"I heard you."

"I told you, I won't let you go without a fight. We are too important."

"We?" Ryan snapped. "When are you going to get it? There _is_ no we."

He was aware of people looking at them, watching them, and hastily pulled her closer.

"How many times will we have this conversation?" he murmured.

"However many it takes you to realise that we are meant to be. For you to forgive me."

They rotated slightly, and over Marissa's shoulder Ryan saw Seth leaving the room.

"You almost killed Seth," he said quietly. "I can't forgive that."

Then he pushed the kiss back into her hand and walked away, leaving her alone, a crumpled piece of silver foil between her fingers.

* * *

Kirsten stood at the bar listening to Julie inanely chatter on about the merits of fusia bridesmaid dresses. As of Kirsten could care _less_ about her bridesmaid dresses! God, she was never going to survive this. 

"May I cut in?"

_Sandy. Thank God._

"Sandy!" trilled Julie. "What do you think of aqua?"

"Um..." Sandy glanced to Kirsten for guidance. She shrugged. "Like the ocean?" he suggested.

Julie wrinkled her nose. "Wet and full of fish. No."

"May I steal my wife for a moment?" he asked.

"But Kiki!" Julie cried. "We haven't started on the flower arrangements."

Kirsten felt a fleeting moment of panic. "We'll talk later," she said.

Sandy took her hand and pulled her onto the dance floor before Julie could object, and she sighed and buried her head into his shoulder, slipping her arms around him as they began to move in a familiar, ancient but never old dance. "I thought I'd never get away," she muttered.

"Luckily you have a knight in shining armour," he replied.

She smiled into his jacket. "Yes," she whispered. "I do."

He removed his hand from her waist and reached into his pocket. "I have something for you."

She lifted her head, and smiled when she saw the silver chocolate in his hand. "Your kiss. Well I suppose it's only fair I give you mine." She pulled the kiss from behind her wrist bangle. "Sorry, it's a little soft."

He laughed. "I love you."

"I love you too. Perhaps you'd like a real kiss?"

He lowered his lips to hers. "I wouldn't complain."

* * *

Seth wanders up to the balcony. 

He feels suddenly very tired and very sad. He thinks perhaps he didn't realise just how much he liked Ryan, and now he's lost him to Marissa it's too late.

He's lonely.

"Well, well. What do we have here? An emo geek, all alone."

Cue Brad.

Seth sighs. "What do you want Brad?"

Brad sneers at him. "How's your eye?"

"How's your nose?" Seth shoots back.

Brad narrows his eyes. "Shut it, queer."

And Seth is tired. And he's sick of Brad, and he's sick of Marissa and he's sick of himself.

"You know what? No, I won't. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of your boring, unoriginal insults. I'm sick of you hitting me in the same places. I'm sick of hearing you talk. I'm just plain sick of you Brad, and right now I'm not in the mood for any of your shit, okay?"

Brad clenches a fist.

"What did you say to me?"

"Which part? I can repeat it for you."

Brad takes a menacing step towards him.

Seth knows he should stop, that he should just shut up, but it's like his mouth has disconnected from his brain.

"You know what else I'm sick of? You stalking me. Do you really have nothing better to do with your time than follow me around and wait for me to be alone just so you can hit me? Perhaps I should be flattered. I mean, you are paying me rather special attention."

Brad narrows his eyes. "You calling me a queer, like you?"

"No. I'm simply wondering why you follow me around all the time, and then beat me up for no particular reason. You're like the kid in the playground who pulls the girl's pigtails because he has a crush on her." He pretends to consider. "So yeah, maybe that is what I'm saying after all."

Brad grabs the front of Seth's shirt, pulling his tie a little tight around the back of his neck.

"Take that back," he hisses.

"Uh, which part?"

Brad raises his fist, and Seth just stares at him.

"Go ahead," he says. "Hit me. Go on, I know you want to." He knows he shouldn't goad Brad like this, but right now he's hurting, and he can't stop seeing Ryan and Marissa dancing, and he _wants_ Brad to knock the image out of his head.

"Come on," he says, raising his voice a little. "What are you waiting for, man? Hit me. I'm an easy target. HIT ME!"

Brad pulls back his fist, and Seth waits to feel the welcome relief of pain, but someone's hand is on Brad's arm, and Ryan is saying "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Brad hesitates, looking between Ryan and Seth, and Seth thinks he sees a fleeting glance of fear on Brad's face. He drops Seth's shirt.

"Whatever," he mutters, stepping away. "He's too easy anyway."

Ryan says nothing, just watches him until he's left the balcony. Then he looks at Seth, and Seth just _hates _that serious, reprimanding look.

He moves to push past Ryan, but Ryan grabs him by shoulders.

"What the hell was that?" he hisses furiously.

"What was what?" Seth asks, avoiding eye contact.

"That." Ryan gives him a little shake. "You asking Brad to hit you."

Seth shrugs, staring determinedly over Ryan's shoulder.

"I heard you Seth," snaps Ryan, shaking him again. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Seth says nothing.

"Is that why he lays into you at school? Because you _ask_ him to?"

"No!" Seth looks at Ryan, then wishes he hasn't. Ryan is really, really mad.

"I put my ass on the line for you. I could have gone to _prison_. And you _ask_ him to beat you up."

"It wasn't like that." Seth struggles against Ryan's painful grip.

"Then explain it to me. Tell me what it's like."

"I-" Seth flounders. "I can't."

"You can and you will."

Seth is horrified to feel the burn of tears at the back of his throat. God he can't cry in front of Ryan. Not now.

"Let me go," he says, but Ryan tightens his hold, and Seth feels the first run down his cheek.

Ryan becomes very still, and Seth wants nothing more than to bury his face in Ryan's suit jacket, but he can't move.

Ryan reaches out with one hand, wiping the tear away with his thumb, and Seth closes his eyes, allowing even more to run down his face. Ryan lets out a kind of groan, then crushes Seth to him, attacking his lips feverishly, and Seth responds in kind, and suddenly they are both lying on the balcony floor with their ties hanging loose and their shirts undone.

Ryan is running his fingers across Seth's chest, his lips gliding across Seth's neck, and Seth is embarrassed to realise he's still crying, because he doesn't think he can take Ryan doing this to him if he's about to run back to Marissa, but he doesn't know if he has the strength to stop him.

"Please," Ryan whispers against his neck. "Talk to me." He kisses Seth's lips, then his cheeks, brushing the tears away.

Seth shakes his head mutely.

Ryan is still kissing him. "I want to understand." Ryan entwines his fingers with Seth's, and it is this simple gesture that causes him to sit up, to push Ryan away.

"Go back to Marissa," he says, his voice choked.

Next to him, Ryan doesn't move for a minute.

"This is about Marissa?" he finally asks.

"It's always about Marissa, Ryan," Seth replies. "I realised that tonight, watching the two of you. It will always be about her." He turned his head away. "How can I compete with that?"

For a moment there is such quiet in the balcony that Seth can't even hear Ryan breathe. There is a burst of laughter from the party downstairs.

Ryan's hands are sliding across his back. Ryan's lips are on his neck, and Seth can't move or breathe because it feels so _good_ and so _right _and Ryan is pushing him to the floor, and wrapping his arms around him and whispering "I want you."

And then they are kissing again, and Ryan's weight is crushing Seth's ribs, but Seth doesn't care because Ryan _wants_ him.

* * *

Summer sighed into her drink, glaring across the room. 

Man, this event sucked.

So far, she'd been presented with fifteen kisses from various guys, all confessing their undying love to her, and all she'd felt was annoyance. There wasn't a single guy in this room whom she wanted to date. Pathetic.

Seth sidled up to her, looking distinctly moony.

"Where have you been?" she asked.

Seth shrugged. "Oh you know, mingling with the people of Newport who all love me so very much."

Summer scowled. "You know Cohen, you really-" She stopped, peering closely at him. "Oh my God, is that a hickey?"

Seth looked alarmed. "Where?"

"On your neck."

She pulled back the hand that went to cover it. "Oh my God, it is." She glanced around suspiciously. "Have you been making out with Ryan?"

"Shhh!" Seth hissed, also glancing around.

"You have!" Summer wasn't sure whether to feel shocked or jealous. Cohen was sneaking off to make out in dark corners, whilst she was stuck with no one. Talk about a role reversal.

"I can't believe Ryan gave you a hickey," she muttered.

"Neither can I," he muttered back, fidgeting with his collar.

She looked at it again. "And it's a good one. What were you two doing?"

Seth turned a little red and glanced away.

"So are you going to give him your kiss?"

He looked slightly uncomfortable. "Actually no."

"Why not?"

He shrugged. "Because."

"But he's your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Non boyfriend then, whatever. The point is that you should be giving him your kiss."

"I don't think Ryan would exactly appreciate it."

"But Ryan's your boyfriend. Non boyfriend."

"Will you stop that?" he hissed.

"Stop what?"

"Stop using the words me, Ryan and boyfriend in the same sentence." He glanced around. "Anyone could hear you."

Summer rolled her eyes. "Just tell me why you're not giving him your kiss."

"Because I'm giving it to you!" Seth snapped.

Summer blinked. "You are?"

"Yeah well." Seth had gone remarkably fidgety. "I know we're not going out any more, but you're still my best friend, and you've really been there for me, and I know you've probably got a million other kisses, and this one won't make any difference, but-"

"It does."

"Does what?"

"Make a difference."

She took the proffered silver shape.

"Thank you."

He smiled.

"Dance?"

"Love to."

He took her hand and they went out onto the floor, Cohen doing his usual crazed dance style, and Summer found herself laughing and not really caring that people were staring at them, because Seth had called her his best friend, and that really meant a lot.

* * *

Marissa is on her fifth vodka at the bar. 

She watches as Seth gives Summer a kiss, then they go onto the dance floor, and she realises how totally relaxed Summer is. She's smiling and laughing and seems completely oblivious to what anyone is thinking of her.

Summer has changed.

Marissa wonders how that has happened, and why she has missed it. Come to think of it, she wonders exactly when Seth and Summer had split up. It was a while ago, she's pretty sure of that, but Summer has never talked to her about it, never come to her for advice. When is the last time they had even talked? These days Marissa is so caught up in Ryan and having to live with her mom, due to Caleb's blackmail, that she doesn't have time to think about Summer. Has she lost her best friend and not even noticed?

She takes another swig of vodka.

* * *

Julie Cooper surveyed the crowded room with a little fluttering of pride in her heart. 

Marissa did this. Her beautiful, talented daughter did this. She made it happen. Her beautiful, talented daughter who hadn't spoken a word to her all evening. Who had barely spoken a word to her since she'd moved back into the house.

On the dance floor she could see Kirsten and Sandy slowly rotating. Sandy leaned down to say something in Kirsten's ear, and Kirsten laughed, then kissed his cheek.

Julie tried to ignore the spark of jealousy she felt inside of her.

She had Caleb, after all. Speaking of which, where _was_ Caleb?

She certainly didn't come tonight to stand around by herself all evening.

"Ah, Juju. I was just looking for you."

Julie forced herself to smile. "Cal." She leant forward, allowed him to kiss her cheek.

"You look radiant."

Julie tried very hard not to scowl. She knew she looked radiant. That was why she'd spent two hours in front of the bathroom mirror perfecting her hair and make up. That was why she'd spend three hundred dollars on a Christian Dior dress. She didn't need Caleb to turn up an hour late and tell her that.

"Are you having a nice time?"

She gritted her teeth. "Where have you been?"

"Business Juju, business. But I'm here now, how about a dance?"

"I'm not really in the mood for dancing."

"A drink then."

She held up her champagne glass, pointedly. "I already have a drink."

"Well what can I get you then?"

_How about an apology?_

"Nothing, Caleb. I'm fine."

"Well in that case, I must talk to Kiki."

Julie watched in disbelief as he left her, taking Sandy's place in Kirsten's arms. _How dare he!_

"Isn't he a charmer?" Sandy asked, as he came to stand beside her.

"It's business," she replied stiffly.

"That's Caleb. All he cares about is business. Let me get you another drink, Julie."

Julie gave him a tight smile. His words echoed in her head. _All he cares about is business._ It wasn't true of course. Caleb cared about her as well. Didn't he?

"Juju, Kiki." Caleb was holding Kirsten's hand as he lead her over to where Julie was standing. "I'm glad you're both here, there is something I want you to have." He reached into his pocket and pulled out two silver kisses. "To my girls." He looked at Julie. "To my love." She took the kiss from him. He held the other out to Kirsten. "And my light."

Kirsten rolled her eyes as she took the kiss. "Honestly dad." She kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you."

Julie stared at the kiss in her hand. _And my light. _Kirsten was his light. And his business second.

"Juju? Are you okay?"

Julie forced herself to smile. "Fine."

* * *

Ryan was looking for Seth when Marissa caught him. 

"Dance with me," she breathed, and Ryan grimaced at the alcohol fumes on her breath. He stared at her for a moment.

"So you've stopped, huh?"

"Ryan, you have to dance with me. You have to be with me."

Ryan shook his head.

"Let's not do this again tonight."

"Yes Ryan!" She grabbed his hands. "Let's do it right now. Let's you tell me exactly why you don't want me."

"You're drunk." He tried to pull away.

"Tell me Ryan! Tell me what I did to drive you away! Tell me!"

"You pushed Seth under the wheels of a fucking truck!" he yelled. There was a hushed silence in the room, the band between songs.

Ryan closed his eyes briefly, and prayed that Kirsten and Sandy hadn't heard him say that. Or heard him swearing.

"You should get some water," he muttered, turning quickly and walking through the crowd, a new song starting as he reached the glass doors into the gardens. He sat on a nearby bench, holding his head in his hands, gripping his hair in frustration.

"Hey."

He didn't look up at Seth's voice; felt Seth sitting next to him.

"You okay?"

He nodded, still didn't look up. He felt Seth's fingers on his knee, and couldn't resist leaning into him slightly.

"You want to see something that will cheer you up?"

Ryan nodded again.

Seth shifted one of his arms, pulling at his collar. Ryan turned to look. The bruises were still there, but now there was another mark, a bright red mark which was a deep crimson in the middle, with the faintest trace of teeth marks around the edge.

"Did I do that?"

Seth nodded. "Yep. Summer seemed to find it particularly fascinating."

Ryan smiled slightly. "Sorry."

Seth shrugged. "Yeah, well. We did kind of get carried away. On a public landing. With the whole school only five metres below us. It's actually kind of kinky, when you think about it.

Ryan's smile widened. "It's kind of making me want to do it again," he murmured.

"No complaints here." Seth leaned towards him, then stopped. "Except I have to

apologise. For freaking out earlier." He shook his head slightly. "I don't know what came over me. I just saw you guys dancing, and you looked so right together. And I swear I have never asked Brad to hit me before. I wouldn't do that to you. Except for when I just did." He sighed. "I guess it's just taking me a while to adjust."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. I should have just asked you about Marissa instead of asking Brad to beat the misery out of me. It would have been a lot less painful."

"Seth." Ryan took Seth's chin in his hand. "It's okay." Ryan reached into his pocket. "Here."

Seth stared at the object in Ryan's hand.

"You're giving me your kiss?"

Ryan avoided his gaze for a moment. "It's stupid, I know. But yeah."

Seth took it, rolling it thoughtfully between his fingers.

"I lost my kiss," he said. For some reason Ryan felt a slight plummeting in his stomach. Which was ridiculous. Because it was just a chocolate.

"However," Seth continued. "I have something even better for you."

Ryan raised his eyebrows.

Seth smiled and leant towards him. "A real kiss," he breathed.

For a fleeting moment Ryan realised that they were sitting in front of the large glass windows and anyone could look out and see them, then he felt Seth's tongue flick across his upper lip, and suddenly the windows didn't matter any more.

He sighed into Seth's kiss.

"Do you wanna get out of here?"

Seth nodded. "I thought you'd never ask man. Come on, we can walk home."

"Then the pool house?"

Seth grinned. "Oh yeah, the pool house."


	6. Golden Touch

a/ns: sorry it's been a year and half, have crappy internet access at university, urgh. Am still writing, and will still be updating, though very sporadically. Enoy!

Golden Touch

"_I know a girl with a golden touch. She's got enough, she's too much." -Razorlight_

The rest of the week passed uneventfully.

Julie spent more and more time hounding Kirsten about colour schemes and ice sculptures, Sandy worked seven cases that would never reach court, Seth avoided all major scuffles with Brad (there was a minor incident involving a volleyball to the head, but Seth chalked that down to a Bad Sporting Experience), Ryan brooded in the pool house until Seth came home then they made out, Marissa stayed home from school, Summer went shopping every day after school in lieu of either Seth or Marissa to hang out with. The weekend was pretty much the same. Julie woke them all up Saturday morning with a basket of bagels and muffins, then insisted on staying for lunch and dinner, Sandy spent a grand total of thirteen hours surfing, Seth and Ryan stayed in the pool house for a record five hours doing...well, stuff, Marissa stayed in her pajamas all weekend, Summer bought seven pairs of shoes and nine halter tops.

The next week was even more uneventful.

Brad only gave Seth and Ryan a superior sneer when Ryan returned to homeroom, Julie had taken to calling Kirsten at work and dropping by for surprise lunches, Sandy surfed more and worked less, Marissa returned to school quiet and withdrawn, Summer bought four pairs of jeans and thirteen seasonal dresses.

Kirsten was going insane, Sandy was becoming desperately frustrated, Summer was getting bored of shopping, Marissa had found a new best friend in the vodka bottle she kept in her locker, Seth and Ryan were getting to know each other _really_ well.

Then Seth and Marcie were assigned a project, and everything got shook up again.

* * *

Seth laughed as Marcie nodded her head emphatically.

"I'm telling you, it's completely true. I was there, I saw it myself."

"No way. Luke would never do something so...gay."

"I tell what I know, Seth. Luke dressed up as Dorothy in third grade. I have photographic evidence."

Seth laughed again. "Who could have known? Big Gay Luke dressing up as Dorothy. Hey, did he have a Toto?"

Marcie smiled. Seth noticed that Marcie really did have a very nice, girl-next-door sort of smile.

"So," she said. "Romeo and Juliet."

"Oh yes, the most tragic love story of all time."

Marcie sighed. "Who could not love this play? It has everything. Romance, sword fighting, poison."

"Gotta love the poison."

Seth wondered what Ryan was doing. They had been assigned different partners in their Shakespeare class, which meant that Seth and Marcie were studying 'Romeo and Juliet' whilst Ryan was stuck with...what was that guy's name again? Some guy from France, or whatever, studying 'Richard the Third'. Seth knew which deal he'd prefer.

"So how do you think we should do this?" Marcie was saying. "We could do a comic presentation. You know, sort of a parody thing. Or we could do like a multi media presentation, incorporating clips from the different films and plays and stuff."

Seth pointed his pencil at her. "I like that idea."

Marcie looked pleased. "Good. We can use all our favourite quotes from the play, and what the critics say about it. Then I think we should focus on one issue, one theme, and expand on it. For example, the strength of their love. Were they really star crossed, or did they rush into it and deserve everything they got?"

Seth was thinking about Ryan's wifebeater. Or rather, what was under it.

"That is an excellent idea," he said. "I think that, as love is the prevailing theme of the play, it would make sense to focus on that."

Mmm. He couldn't wait until school had finished.

"So it's settled then? I will come to yours after school, and we can start putting together our arguments."

"Woah, what? After school? Today?"

She gave him a gentle smile. "We do only have one week."

But the pool house...

"Yeah, yeah of course. After school is fine. It's great. In fact, it's super."

Marcie smiled beatifically and stood up. "I'll meet you in the parking lot after school."

"It sucks," Seth told the table top after she'd gone.

He gathered up his books and made his way to the cafeteria, where Ryan was already sitting at a table.

"Hey."

Ryan looked up from his burger. "Hey."

"How goes Richard the third?"

Ryan shrugged.

"Marcie's nice," Seth said, flopping into a seat opposite Ryan, leaning over to take on of his french fries. "She has some cool ideas. She's, um, coming over after school today to work on the project."

Ryan nodded slowly. "Okay."

"Okay. Good."

There was a brief silence, which Seth immediately took upon himself to fill.

"So, I was thinking, this weekend, we could go sailing. If, you know, you want, 'cause it's been so long since we've taken the boat out. It could be okay, just us, the waves, some food mom didn't make."

Ryan smiled. "It would."

"Cool. I will anticipate it greatly."

Ryan played with a french fry, breaking it in half. "So how long do you think you will be studying?"

"Um, I don't know. Marcie didn't really say."

Ryan looked up. "Marcie. She's the one with the nice smile, right?"

Seth stole some more fries. "Got it in one, my friend. She's actually quite a nice person, too. I think I might actually enjoy doing this project. And it's Shakespeare, so for me, that's saying quite a lot."

Ryan gave him a tight smile.

Not really noticing, Seth leaned back in his chair, his eyes glancing around the room. He saw Brad, several tables across, regarding them with narrowed eyes.

"God, why is Brad always staring at us?"

Ryan looked in the direction Seth was indicating.

Seth scowled. "You think he would have something better to do. I think he may be in love with me. Or you. Or maybe both of us."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Or maybe he just hates our guts."

"Or there is that."

Ryan crumpled his food wrapper in his hand. "I have to go. I'll see you after school?"

"Uh." Seth felt suddenly uncomfortable. "Actually, I'll be going with Marcie. Since, you know, she's coming over, and she has her own car."

He thought he saw something flicker across Ryan's face, but it was gone before he could identify it.

"Sure man. I'll see you later."

Seth watched Ryan walk to the door, then stop, placing his hand on the back of a slim, feminine figure that Seth would have recognised anywhere.

It was Marissa.

* * *

Ryan wasn't sure what he was doing.

He swore after the Kiss and Tell event that he wouldn't get sucked into Marissa's circle of need. He swore he'd just let it go, that he'd concentrate on him and Seth. He'd almost convinced himself that he couldn't help her, that she didn't need his help.

And then she'd stopped him in the hallway after first period, and she'd looked at him with her big doe eyes and asked him to talk. And he'd been powerless to resist.

Because he did still want to save Marissa. He may not love her, but he wanted to save her.

What was it about her that made him act like a jerk towards Seth?

First dancing with her at Kiss and Tell, and now placing his hand on her back when he knew full well that Seth was watching them. God, what was wrong with him?

He escorted Marissa outside, and they sat at a table, though (thankfully) not Their Table.

She twisted her hands in her lap for a moment, looking nervous.

"I'm sorry," she said finally.

Ryan said nothing. She'd been sorry before.

"Look, I know I was stupid at the Kiss and Tell. I shouldn't have pushed you, and I shouldn't have been drinking and I'm sorry. I want to be your friend, Ryan. I don't want you to end up hating me."

Ryan sighed. "I don't hate you, Marissa."

"But you will. If I don't change." She hesitated for a moment. "That Sunday I hung out with you and Seth, after...well, what happened, I had a good time. A really good time. And I want us to be able to be friends like that." She looked away. "I need them right now."

Ryan watched her.

"Summer and I are not exactly what you'd call on speaking terms." Her eyes became all teary. "I don't know what's happened. She seems so busy with Seth all the time now, she doesn't seem to need me. It's like he's her new best friend, which means that I don't have a role any more. And I'm not sure who I can turn to or trust. And I trust you, Ryan. And I want to make it work. As friends."

Ryan wasn't sure exactly how to respond.

"I want to help you," he said finally. "But I can't do that unless you try."

"I will."

"How can I know that? How can I know you won't up doing something stupid again? I can't be with you every second. If you really want to change, you have to be able to do it on your own."

"I want to try." She reached across the table and took his hand in hers. "Please. Help me."

For a long moment they just stared at each other, then Ryan nodded slowly.

"Okay," he said.

She let out a breath and smiled slightly. "Thank you," she whispered.

He stood up. "Come on. I'll even carry your books for you."

She laughed. "Well, you always were a gentleman."

"You need a ride after school? Seth's ditched me for Marcie Bradshaw, so I'm on my own."

"That would be nice. Caleb gave me a ride, so I don't have my car today."

Ryan scooped her books up in his arms.

"It's a good thing I'm here then."

She gave him a teasing smile. "Well, you know that's why I keep you around. My own chauffeur and book carrier."

He smiled.

"Did you get that work for Western Civ?"

She nodded. "Yeah, but I didn't really understand it."

"Well I'll help you. You can come to mine after school."

"Really?"

He imagined what Seth would think if he walked in the door with Marissa, and felt a flicker of doubt. What kind of person does that to someone they care about?

Then he saw Marcie Bradshaw across campus, her head thrown back with laughter, her arm linked through someone's who looked suspiciously like Seth,

He turned back to Marissa

"Definitely."

* * *

Ryan watches as Seth gets into Marcie's car, and tries to ignore the twisting in his stomach. It's no big deal, they're just riding home together. No big deal.

He waits for Marissa, and wonders if he has made a mistake in inviting her back to the house, but can't bear to destroy the hopeful smile on her face, so he lets her into the rover and they drive in a slightly strained silence, broken only by Marissa's complaints of her mother's latest endeavours, and Ryan can't help but feel he's sliding backwards into a hole he's only just gotten out of.

She links her arm through his as they walk up the Cohen's driveway, and he lets her because it's easier than asking her not to, and he offers her a drink as they enter the kitchen because it's polite, and tries to ignore the way her face glows when their arms brush together.

Seth and Marcie are outside, sitting at the table beside the pool, and Marcie jumps up to greet them with her bright, cheerleader's smile, but Seth just kind of stares at Ryan, then Marissa, then Marissa's arm in Ryan's, then Ryan again and Ryan feels that twisting in his stomach, only this time it's much, much worse. Then Marissa is pulling him towards the pool house and Seth is refusing to look at him and as they walk past Seth's sightline, Ryan places his hand very deliberately on Marissa's shoulder and feels like the scum of the earth.

* * *

Seth was feeling pretty lousy.

Marcie had left about an hour ago, and he was staring blankly at the latest episode of The Valley and wondering exactly when Ryan had turned into a first class jerk. Seth and Marcie were _studying_, for God's sake, it's not like they were planning a date or anything.

And Seth had thought _he_ had insecurity issues.

He wasn't sure what to do next, though. Did he go and talk to Ryan, or allow him more time to cool off? Did he just let it go, pretend it had never happened, or drag it all up and possibly cause an argument? But if he let it go, would Ryan then think it was okay to just flaunt Marissa in front of him? And why was this even an issue? Hadn't they buried the whole Marissa thing after Kiss and Tell? So why was Ryan bringing it out again?

Seth groaned. When had it suddenly become so complicated? The last week had been great. He and Ryan had spent monumental amounts of time in the pool house, just enjoying being together, and Seth hadn't even been afraid that they were getting too intense, too fast. It hadn't seemed like they were, but maybe they should have been more careful. Maybe they should have slowed down and really thought about what they were doing, whether they were ready to be serious about each other. Seth sighed. He was ready, he knew that, but the question was, was Ryan? Seth had just kind of assumed so, since Summer had said he'd liked Seth before Seth even realised it was possible, but had he made a mistake in that assumption? Should he and Ryan have talked about it?

"You're thinking too loudly."

Seth smiled ruefully at his father.

Sandy affected great surprise.

"What, no witty comeback? No sarcastic yet humorous remark?"

Seth shrugged. "I don't have he energy. I used it all up thinking."

Sandy came into the room and sat beside him.

"Are you having more trouble at school?"

Seth waved a hand. "Done and dusted. Ryan took care of that."

"Girl trouble?"

Seth almost snorted, but then stopped himself. Maybe he could ask his father's advice without giving away who he was talking about.

"Sort of. You see, there's this...person. Who I may or may not be involved with. And they, well, everything was going great, but then things have suddenly gotten weird and it's to do with an ex...boyfriend, but I can't figure out if it's me or them. 'Cause you know, it was me at first, but now I'm pretty sure it's them. And does that mean they're not interested in me anymore? Is that why this ex-boyfriend is causing a problem?"

Sandy looked thoughtful.

"Was she with this boyfriend a long time."

"Ex-boyfriend." He corrected automatically. "And yes. They've, uh, been through some pretty harsh things together. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple." He couldn't help the slight bitterness in his voice.

"Well, maybe they're just friends now."

"Oh, they were never friends."

Sandy gave him a sideways look.

"Are you talking about Marissa?"

"What?" Seth shook his head emphatically. "No, that would be too weird. Definitely not Marissa."

"Well son. The best advice I can give you is to communicate. Tell this girl how you feel about her, let her know that you like her, that you're not just going to give up because her ex-boyfriend's back in the picture. Fight for her."

Seth considered. Was Ryan worth fighting for?

"You know dad, that's actually pretty good advice. You're right. I have to fight for h-her. I am not giving up."

Sandy patted him on the shoulder. "Glad I could help. Dinner's ready."

Seth stood and followed him into the kitchen, where there were several steaming cartons of take-out on the table. He was just sitting down when the glass door opened and Ryan slipped in.

Their eyes met, and for a moment Seth couldn't even remember what they had been fighting about. It suddenly didn't seem so important.

"Hey Ryan, come sit by me."

Seth nudged the chair next to him, and for a moment Ryan didn't move, then a tiny smile of relief flickered at the corners of his mouth. When he'd sat down, Seth reached under the table and purposefully brushed his hand across Ryan's thigh. Ryan did his sideways eye thing, and Seth could see the smile trying to break through.

Everything was going to be okay.

* * *

Ryan straightened his shirt in the mirror and considered his reflection.

His eyes were a bit puffy, but that wasn't surprising really, considering how late he and Seth had stayed up doing, well, doing things together.

He smiled slightly, and resolved again not to let Marissa, or himself, screw things up between them. He wasn't going to risk losing Seth over Marissa. No chance.

"Hey Ryan."

Seth barrelled in, talking his usual mile a minute, kissing Ryan briefly before standing in front of him, hogging the mirror.

"Dude, what do you think of this shirt? Too green? Too blue? And how's my hair? Mmm, you smell really nice. I'm getting a ride with Marcie to check out the editing room, but I'll meet you at your locker before homeroom and then we can ride home together. Dad said you can take the car. Oh, and Marcie's having a party tonight and I already okayed it with the 'rents so you don't have to do anything. See you later!"

Ryan stared blankly at the space Seth had just been.

"Morning Seth. I'm great. See you at school," he muttered, then sighed and headed towards the kitchen to grab some coffee.

"Morning," Sandy greeted as he walked in and Ryan nodded.

"Hey sweetie. Do you want a bagel?"

He nodded again and took the proffered breakfast and coffee that Kirsten held out to him, then sat by Sandy at the breakfast bar.

"You know," Sandy said. "I could have sworn that whirlwind that just swept through here looked kind of like Seth."

Ryan smiled.

"He said something about a party," Sandy continued. "Do you know anything about it?"

Ryan shrugged. "It's Marcie Bradshaw's. She's a cheerleader."

"Will there be alcohol?"

_Definitely_. "Doubtful."

Sandy gave him a sort of appraising look.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea."

Seth hadn't okayed it.

"No drinking, no drugs. We'll be back by one."

"Twelve thirty," Sandy countered. "No fighting."

"Done." Ryan forced a smile. "Thanks Sandy. Seth will be pleased."

"And you?" Kirsten asked from the counter. "You do want to go, right?"

No, Ryan didn't want to go. "Yeah of course. It'll be...fun."

Kirsten and Sandy exchanged a glance.

Hmm. Maybe the fun part had been pushing it. Still, at least he could spend the time with Seth.

Sandy stood up.

"Come on, I'll take you to school. I need the car this morning, so can you and Seth get a ride home?"

_Dad said you can take the car._

"Sure, no problem," Ryan said, standing up. He didn't know which parents Seth had been talking to this morning, but they certainly weren't his own.

By the time he actually got to school it was pretty late, so Ryan went straight to homeroom without stopping by his locker, relieved when he managed to take his seat a split second before the bell rang.

Seth wasn't there.

He noticed it as soon as he entered the room, and his first thought was that Brad had got to him. The second that Marcie Bradshaw had. He was torturing himself with all the different scenarios of what was happening in the editing room (all of which ended with Marcie kissing Seth and Seth not exactly pushing her away) when Seth himself waltzed into the room, looking perfectly nonchalant and not at all like he'd been driving Ryan insane for the last five minutes.

Seth smiled charmingly at their teacher, Miss Rosgarth, as he made his way to his seat and she tutted in a very half hearted manner. As he sat down, he caught Ryan's eye and gave him a minuscule wink, more like an eye twitch really, and Ryan found himself giving an eye twitch back even though he was still a little suspicious of what had gone on in the editing room. Not that he didn't trust Seth, because he did, it was just that when it came to Seth all his rationality seemed to take a sudden trip to the moon.

"Hey man," he said as the bell rung and they began to get ready to leave. "What kept you?"

"Ah you know, the joys of editing. Did you know that it's really, really hard? Hard as in, I can't do it, and so Marcie has to do all the work." Seth looked thoughtful for a second. "Not that that's so bad, actually."

Ryan gave him a sideways look as they left the classroom.

"I've never seen you take school work so seriously."

Seth shrugged. "Well, you know, Marcie needs an A to stay on the cheerleading squad next semester. It's for her mainly." He laughed. "What, you think I suddenly developed a keen interest in Shakespeare?"

Ryan forced a smile, wishing that Seth suddenly _had_ developed a keen interest in Shakespeare, because that seemed a lot more innocent than his keen interest in Marcie Bradshaw's English grade.

"Hey did you talk to my dad about the party?"

Ryan fixed him with a sharp glare.

"The one you left me to gain the permission to."

"Uh yeah, that one."  
At least he had the grace to look a little guilty.

Ryan sighed. "I okayed it."

Seth grinned. "Ryan, you are the man. It'll be great tonight. We'll drink some beers meet some people, maybe do a little dancing."

"I don't dance."

Seth waved a dismissive hand in the air.

"I'll do the dancing. You can watch me with your lusty gaze."

Ryan raised an eyebrow. "Lusty gaze?"

"Well, it doesn't have to be lusty. Although I wouldn't complain if it was."

Ryan smiled slightly and decided he really had to get over his Seth Touching Compulsion, because all he wanted to do right now was push Seth against the nearest

bank of lockers and kiss him senseless.

"Oh God," he groaned suddenly.

Seth looked alarmed. "What?"

"It's Marissa." He nodded down the hall towards Marissa, looking pretty and fresh in a pale yellow miniskirt. "She hasn't seen us yet. Quick, in here." And without really thinking about what he was doing or looking where they were going, he pulled open the nearest door and yanked Seth inside.

Into pitch blackness.

"Uh Ryan? Why are we in the janitor's closet?"

"Shhh," Ryan hissed. "I don't want anyone to hear us."

"Um, okay."

Seth was silent for about three seconds before saying "Why are we hiding from Marissa again?"

Ryan shifted uncomfortably. "I may have given her the wrong impression last night."

There was a brief silence.

"The wrong impression about what?" Seth asked finally, though from the tone of his voice, Ryan guessed he already knew.

"Me and her," Ryan admitted.

He heard a slight rustling noise.

"Did you kiss her?" Seth asked.

"I wouldn't do that. I just...I don't know. I was stupid." He hesitated. "I'm sorry."

Seth didn't say anything.

Ryan swallowed. Oh God, Seth was mad. Which was a problem. But not the only problem Ryan was having at that moment, because in the confinement of the closet Ryan suddenly realised he could smell the soap Seth had used that morning, and could hear Seth breathing, and feel Seth's body heat because the closet was really, really small, and they were really, really close.

Apparently Seth was having the same problem, because a second later a hand groped blindly for Ryan's t-shirt and yanked him forwards and Ryan was powerless to resist (not that he really wanted to) as Seth pushed him against the wall and kissed him feverishly.

"Screw Marissa," Seth gasped, and Ryan privately agreed but couldn't say anything because Seth's tongue was very much in his mouth.

"Hmm," Seth murmured when he finally pulled away. "We should do this more often."

"I agree," replied Ryan, his hand up the back of Seth's shirt. "But not right now. Or I'll be late for algebra."

Seth sighed dramatically. "The real world calls."

There was a shifting of movement and the warm skin of Seth's back suddenly disappeared. Ryan heard the rattle of the door handle.

"Uh Ryan?"

"Mmm?"

"The door's sort of...stuck."

Ryan felt a mild sense of panic.

"Stuck?"

"As in, won't open. As in we're trapped. And oh God, that's my claustrophobia kicking in."

Ryan felt his way to the door. "Calm down." He reached out and found the knob, then gave it a sharp turn. It was stuck.

Next to him, Seth was beginning to hyperventilate, and Ryan felt for his shoulders in the dark.

"Seth it's okay. Just stay calm. Someone'll be here any second." He hesitated. "Would it help if we started kissing again?"

Seth gave a choked sounding laugh, and Ryan began to really panic. He had kind of always thought that Seth's claustrophobia was a figment of his imagination, but the short, gasping breaths and cold, clammy skin were very, very real.

He began to bang on the door, praying that someone would hear, whilst keeping a hold of Seth with his other hand, trying to recall everything he knew about claustrophobia. Which wasn't very much.

"Um, open spaces," he said. "Think about a field. Or the beach. Or the ocean. Imagine you're on the Summer's Breeze. Just you, me and the ocean, man. All that blue. The sea and sky stretching as far as you can see. The salty air. The sound of the waves."

Was it his imagination, or did the death grip on his arm lessen slightly?

"There'll be water because it's hot, and milk duds, because, hey, there are always milk duds right? And you may even share them with me, because you're nice like that."

Seth let out another little laugh, though this time it wasn't quite so choked.

"Okay Seth. I'm gonna bang on the door again. Just remember the boat, man. You and me on the ocean."

Ryan pounded the door with his fist, making sure to keep his free hand tight on Seth's shoulder. He waited a few seconds then did it again. He was about to do it a third time, horrible aware that the sound of Seth's breathing had begun to speed up again, when the door swung open, and the closet was flooded with light.

Ryan blinked in the unexpected glare, then resisted a very strong urge to reach out and close the door again.

Standing in front of them was Dr Kim. And she did not look happy.

"Gentlemen. What, exactly, is going on here?"

Ryan gulped.

"We, uh, got trapped inside and Seth had a claustrophobia attack."

Dr Kim's eyes moved swiftly to Seth, and Ryan was suddenly very aware that he was still holding Seth's shoulder.

"Seth, are you alright?" she asked.

Seth nodded. "I'm fine. Ryan sort of, uh, talked me out of it."

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What exactly were you doing in the janitor's closet in the first place?"

Ryan's mind went blank. Completely blank. He couldn't think of a single thing to say. Not even 'we were hiding from Marissa Cooper' which was the _truth_.

"We were looking for a mop," Seth said.

Dr Kim raised her eyebrows. "A mop?"

Seth nodded. "Yeah janitor Dave asked us to find him a mop. Said there was a problem in the men's bathrooms."

She looked doubtful. "Well gentlemen. The problem will be in your next classes if you don't get there soon. Seth, are you sure you don't need me to call your parents?"

"Definitely not. I'm fine. Come on Ryan, algebra awaits."

Ryan went, being sure to avoid Dr Kim's eyes as he followed Seth down the hall.

"Man, that was close," said Seth, once they were out of earshot. "And was I quick thinking or what? Usually I'm the one dumbstruck whilst you're there with the lighting excuses. And thanks for the boat thing, by the way, really helped dude."

Ryan shrugged. "Anytime."

Seth stopped at the bottom of the stairs. "I've got biology. Meet me for lunch, okay?"

Ryan nodded. "Sure."

Seth shot him a smile, then ran up the stairs, two at a time. Ryan watched him for a moment, a half smile on his face, then turned and headed towards his algebra class.

The rest of the day passed more quickly than he would have liked, though he did manage to avoid seeing Marissa again, and all too soon Ryan was standing in the pool house, getting dressed for Marcie's party.

Oh, he really did not want to go.

"Ryan, come on man," Seth said from the bathroom. "It'll be fun."

"There'll be a fight," Ryan replied. "There's always a fight. And I'm usually in the middle of it."

"It'll be fine." Seth emerged from the bathroom, flattening his hair with one hand. "I see you went for the wifebeater look. I approve."

Ryan glanced down at his white wifebeater. "Yeah, I thought I'd go for something a little different."

Seth smiled and shook his head. "Ryan Atwood in a wifebeater. Who would've thought? Though I must say, you do look rather dashing."

Ryan raised an eyebrow as he reached for his shirt.

"By dashing I mean manly. And tough. And umm-" he broke off as Ryan kissed him.

"Please don't call me dashing."

Seth grinned and kissed him back.

"Come on, Summer'll be here any minute." Seth hesitated slightly. "Is Marissa coming?"

Ryan shrugged. "Don't know." He reached for Seth again. "Don't care."

They spent the next ten minutes making out, so when they finally did get to the driveway Summer was already waiting for them, an impatient look on her face.

"Finally. I thought you weren't coming. Get in losers. We have a party to attend."

Seth shot Ryan a smile as they climbed in the back. "It's her sweetness that gets me."

Summer ignored them and drove rather faster than Ryan thought was necessary on the way there, but didn't say anything because he didn't want to destroy Seth's good mood. And Seth _was_ in a good mood. Maybe it had something to do with their little Seth/Ryan Make Out time before as Seth was smiling and laughing and talking (a lot) and kept touching Ryan, even though Summer was there, and Ryan found he didn't mind it as much as he thought he would've, because Summer didn't seem to care either, and he wished that things could be that uncomplicated between him and Marissa.

"Don't drink too much, okay?" Ryan said. "I told your dad we wouldn't."

"Dude don't worry about it. I'll be good."

Ryan rolled his eyes, and tried very hard not to smile when Seth leant towards him very slightly and whispered "Have I mentioned just how good you smell tonight?"

Ryan really would have liked to kiss him right then, but they were pulling into Marcie's street and there were already a ton of kids around. It would just have to wait until later.

Summer parked the car as near as she could get it, and they walked along to Marcie's house, Ryan being careful not to stand too closely to Seth.

"So Summer, you know Marcie well?"

Summer wrinkled her nose. "She's a _cheerleader_. Of course I don't know her well."

Ryan smiled. He always found it slightly amusing that on T.V. and in the movies cheerleaders were portrayed as the socially elite, but anyone who was _really_ socially elite wouldn't be caught dead wearing a cheerleading costume.

They walked up Marcie's drive, the sounds of laughter and music drifting across the front lawn.

"Looks like the party's already in full swing," Seth commented absently.

"Well duh. You have to make an entrance at a party. Late is the only thing to be."

Ryan caught Seth's eye and stifled a grin.

As they opened the door, they were hit by a wave of noise and music, much louder than they'd expected from outside. Immediately, Marcie materialised in front of them.

"Seth!" she squealed. "You came!" She stood on tip toe and gave him a lingering kiss on the cheek. Ryan clenched his jaw.

"Ryan. And Summer! I didn't know you'd be here. This is so great!"

Summer smiled coolly at Marcie's over enthusiasm. "Marcie. I think I see some people." She glanced at Seth and Ryan. "Later."

Ryan watched as the crowd parted for her, and people called out greetings as she waltzed passed. He shook his head and smiled. He didn't know how Seth put up with it.

"Seth," Marcie was saying. "There are some people I want you to meet."

Seth looked at Ryan over Marcie's head. "You wanna meet some people?"

Marcie looked annoyed.

"Perhaps Ryan would like to get a drink." She waved a hand vaguely behind her. "They're over there. Come on Seth."

Ryan watched in amazement as she dragged Seth off through the crowd. So much for spending time together.

* * *

Marissa is having fun.

She is only on her third martini, and feels quite proud of herself really. She could have had _loads_ more, yet she feels she is being extremely restrained.

"Hey Marissa!"

A guy from her calculus class, Jason something or other, grins at her, a beer in one hand.

"Some of us are getting together to play a drinking game. You want to join?"

She considers. A drinking game sounds a lot of fun. She'd probably be really good at it.

Behind Jason she sees someone in a blue shirt, white wifebeater visible underneath, standing looking awkward. She hadn't realised he was here, that he was coming.

She smiles at Jason and passes him her martini glass.

"Maybe later."

He nods and she slips past him, towards Ryan.

"Hey."

He turns to look at her.

"Hey."

"Having fun?"

"A blast."

She glances around uncertainly.

"Where's Seth?"

"With _Marcie_."

Marissa nods. "I like Marcie. Even if she is a cheerleader."

"Yes. Everyone seems to like Marcie."

Marissa laughs. She can't help it. Ryan looks as if he'd rather be anywhere than where he was.

"You want to get out of here?"

He would've jumped at her invitation in the past, but now he only shakes his head.

"I'm gonna stay."

She tries not to feel too hurt.

"Okay. Catch you later."

He nods, but seems distracted, as if he doesn't even notice her.

She drifts away, head down, and almost walks headlong into Jason.

"Hey," she says. "How about that drinking game?"

* * *

Seth was learning a lot of things.

Namely, that cheerleaders liked to talk about cheerleading, football players and Summer Roberts.

Summer was some sort of queen to the cheerleaders. It was quite scary, actually, the amount of times they referred to her (what would Summer think of this, didn't Summer wear that to Spring Fling, was Summer interested in those) and Seth had to wonder if they knew she thought they were pathetic wannabes who had to spell out words with their arms to get noticed.

"So Seth," Marcie said, leaning forward. "What was Summer like on dates? Because someone on the football team said she was really talkative. Did she talk a lot to you?"

"Uh." Seth glanced around desperately for Ryan. "She was, you know, Summer."

One of the girls -Kerry, Kelsey, Karen- leaned back with wide eyes. "That is so cool. He knows Summer so well that she's just...Summer."

Seth shrugged awkwardly. "She's my best friend."

A petite blonde girl with big blue eyes wrinkled her nose. "I thought Ryan Atwood was your best friend."

"He is."

"But how can they both be?"

Seth stared at her blankly. "They just are?"

She shook her head. "I don't think that's exactly fair to Summer. Does she know that you are carrying on this supposed 'best friendship' with someone else at the same time?"

God, where _was_ Ryan?

"It's not like we're dating or anything. We're all just friends."

Well, that wasn't strictly true, but Seth wasn't about to tell the cheerleaders exactly what his relationship with Ryan was.

"Let's get Seth a drink!" suggested Marcie brightly.

"Or maybe four," he muttered.

Marcie smiled her nice smile. "I'll be right back."

"I'll come with you."

"No," cried Kerry/Kelsey/Karen. "You have to tell us all about last summer, when you went to Tijuana. Is it true that Summer force fed Marissa Cooper those pills?"

* * *

Ryan watched Seth and Marcie with narrowed eyes. He was pretty sure he'd just seen Marcie give Seth his fifth beer, which wasn't good. Seth couldn't hold his alcohol, he'd be passed out on the floor by midnight, but every time Ryan tried to get near Seth, someone was cutting him off, or throwing things, or puking on his shoes.

"Hey Chino. Having fun?"

Ryan scowled. Why did people keep asking him that?

"Where's Cohen?"

And that.

He nodded in Marcie's direction.

"Ew," Summer said. "She's, like all over him."

"You noticed that, huh."

"Duh. You need to let her know that Seth Cohen is not available, because believe me, when she wants something, she sinks her skanky claws in and won't let go."

"Thanks Summer. That was really comforting."

Summer raised her eyebrows impatiently. "What am I, your therapist? I'm not here to make you feel better Chino. I'm here to tell you to tell her to back off."

"Yeah thanks, I got that."

Summer looked at Seth again.

"Is it just me, or has Cohen suddenly become really popular? What's with all the cheerleaders?"

Ryan shrugged. "Maybe they like his hair."

Summer didn't reply, her eyes fixed on someone behind Ryan.

"Oh God, it's about to get a lot worse."

Ryan followed her gaze.

It was Brad.

* * *

Seth is trying desperately to think of an excuse to escape the cheerleaders when he sees Brad. He's moving through the crowd, a murderous glint in his eye, and Seth suddenly feels quite sick.

Shit, where is Ryan?

"Seth? Would you like another beer? Oh, hey Brad."

Brad doesn't answer Marcie, his eyes fixed on Seth.

"Hey geek," he says. "What are you doing here?"

"I invited him," says Marcie.

It's like Brad doesn't hear her. He leans close to Seth, and Seth has a very vivid flash of Ryan doing the same thing the night before, only it wasn't quite the same as neither of them were wearing very much, and Ryan didn't look like he wanted to kill Seth, quite the opposite in fact, and Oh God, why was he thinking about that now?

"I don't think you belong here," Brad hisses, and Seth thinks that at least he won't have to listen to the cheerleaders anymore.

"Shut it, Brad," Marcie snaps. "Seth is my guest."

"You heard her."

Seth almost collapses in relief as he hears Ryan's voice, and resists a very strong urge to jump into his arms.

"Beat it Brad, you loser," says Summer, standing on Seth's other side.

Brad looks between them, slowly. "So this queer is your new best friend now, is he?"

"Yes," reply Marcie, Summer and Ryan, in that weird, synchronised way you can only ever get by accident.

Brad scowls. "Whatever," he snaps, then reaches for Kerry/Kelsey/Karen. "Come on Keira," he says. "Lets get a drink."

They watch him go, and Seth has to try really hard not to lean against Ryan.

"You okay?" he asks, and Seth nods.

"Brad is such a jackass," mutters Summer.

"Oh my God, I totally agree!" cries Marcie. "Seth, are you sure you're okay? Let me get you another drink."

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Ryan says (and Seth privately agrees as the room _is_ starting to get a little echoey), but Marcie pushes past him disdainfully.

"What are you, his dad? Come on Seth."

And then she's pulling him through the crowd and he can no longer see Ryan through the mass of bodies.

* * *

Seth was drunk.

This became apparent to Ryan when Seth flung his arms around his neck and cried "Oh Ryan! Hey everyone! It's Ryan!" at the top of his voice, completely oblivious to the fact that no one _cared_ it was Ryan.

Ryan hastily pulled Seth's arms back, firmly gripping his wrists as Seth swayed on his feet.

"Jesus Seth, how many have you had?"

"Not many," Seth grinned.

"We're going home."

"What? No! The party's just getting started." Seth tried to swing his arms over his head in an attempt at dancing, but only swooned dangerously. Ryan tightened his grip, steadying him.

"I think we'd better find Summer."

"Mmm. Summer. Summer smells nice. Though not as nice as you. You smell truly wonderful."

Seth leant towards him, as if to smell his neck, and Ryan pulled away.

"Not here man," he murmured.

He spotted Summer through the crowd and dragged Seth over to her.

"I gotta take Seth home. Can you get a ride?"

Summer shook her head. "I'll come with you. By the way, have you seen Coop?"

Ryan frowned. He'd been so obsessed with watching Seth drink too much that he'd barely thought of Marissa all night.

"Earlier. She seemed okay."

For a moment Summer looked so sad it hurt, then the look was gone and Ryan wondered if he'd imagined it.

"Oh good," she said. "Let's go."

This proved to be easier said than done, namely because on the way to the car Seth kept trying to undo Ryan's shirt and kiss his neck, then proceeded to fall over multiple times.

"Seth," Ryan grunted as he pulled him up for the fourth time. "Just try and stay on your feet okay? And stop kissing me. Concentrate on walking."

"Mmm," Seth murmured, his hand reaching for Ryan's belt.

"Seth!" Ryan jumped away, and Seth immediately fell flat on his face. Ryan looked at Summer. "Maybe you'd better take him."

"No way Chino. He can molest you. You're his boyfriend. Non boyfriend," she amended.

Ryan sighed and reached for Seth again.

"Come on."

"Oh Ryan," Seth moaned into Ryan's hair. "You smell so good. And you're so soft. Summer, Ryan's soft. Smell his hair."

Summer rolled her eyes. "I think I'll pass."

Ryan tried to ignore the way Seth's hands were wandering down his back. "Come on, we're nearly there."

"Who knew Cohen could be so horny when drunk?" asked Summer, conversationally.

Ryan rolled his eyes and pulled Seth's hands away from his ass. "Just open the car."

Summer unlocked the door and Ryan slid into the back with Seth.

"Ryan and I got locked in a closet today," Seth said. "It was fun."

"Wow," replied Summer. "Getting locked in a closet with Ryan. My wildest dream."

"_My_ wildest dream," Seth countered, wiggling his eyebrows in a way which was scarily reminiscent of Sandy. He was even worse than Ryan had thought.

"I think you'd better stay in the pool house tonight," Ryan said.

Seth grinned and tried to kiss him.

"On the couch," Ryan added.

By the time Summer pulled into the Cohen's driveway, however, Seth seemed to have lost all his energy, and was leaning against Ryan with his eyes closed, hands harmless in his lap, looking suitably angelic. Ryan kissed him gently.

He felt his face grow hot as he realised that Summer was watching them. He expected her to make a catty remark, but she only smiled slightly.

"You need help getting him inside?" she asked.

Ryan shook his head. "I'm okay. Thanks for the ride."

"Anytime."

He carefully manoeuvred Seth out of the car, and Seth clung to him sleepily as Summer drove off. Ryan walked him to the pool house, then put him on the bed, pulling the covers over him. Seth stirred, but didn't open his eyes. Ryan bent down and kissed him on the forehead, remembering, for some reason, Seth telling Summer he was soft.

He headed into the house, sure that either Sandy or Kirsten would be up waiting for them, and sure enough here was a light on in the living room, Kirsten curled up asleep on the sofa in her dressing gown, a book on her chest.

"Hey," he said, gently shaking her shoulder.

Her eyes fluttered open, and for a moment she seemed disorientated, then smiled as she recognised him.

"Hey, how was your evening?"

"Good. Seth's pretty beat though. He's going to sleep in the pool house."

Kirsten looked suspicious. "Has he been drinking?"

"No," Ryan lied. "He's just tired."

She yawned. "I guess he's not the only one. Okay sweetie." She stood up and kissed his cheek. "Sleep well."

"You too."

He watched her walk up the stairs, then switched off the lights and went back to the pool house where he peeled off his shirt, jeans and shoes and then crawled into bed beside Seth, who seemed dead to the world.

Ryan sighed and pulled him close, thinking that he was going to regret letting him drink that much tomorrow.

He was just drifting off when Seth murmured "I wanted to kiss you all night," in a sleepy voice. Ryan held his breath, but Seth said nothing more. Ryan kissed his shoulder and hoped the hangover wouldn't be too bad.

* * *

When Seth wakes, the first thing he is aware of is how dry his mouth is. It feels kind of like someone has stuffed it with sand. It reminds him of the good old days when Luke used to beat him up on the beach. The second is Ryan, or rather, Ryan's arm which is slung quite comfortably around his waist. He presses himself back against Ryan's chest, enjoying the contact for about a second before realising that movement isn't such a good idea, that he's suddenly feeling extremely nauseous, that his stomach is doing the tilt o whirl at high speed. He leans forward, throws up on his pillow, then passes out.

When he wakes again, some hours later, Ryan is gone, but so is the pillowcase of vomit, so Seth can only assume that Ryan cleaned it up for him, which goes way beyond the duty of best friend/non-boyfriend or whatever it is they are now. He lies there, staring at the ceiling, thinking about forcing himself to move, but decides against it, in light of the whole puking episode of earlier.

So he just lies there, watching the sunlight reflect off the pool and onto the white paint of the ceiling, wishing Ryan was there, but too hung-over to bother looking for him.

Later, when he's feeling better, when his stomach is no longer pretending to be a wave machine, he'll look for Ryan then, apologise for ruining the pillow, and let Ryan make him some breakfast, because Ryan really does make the best breakfast.

Seth smiles and snuggles under eight hundred thread count Egyptian cotton sheets that smell like Ryan, and thinks about later. Later is good.

* * *

Ryan was pouring Seth a cup of freshly brewed coffee when the doorbell rang.

He frowned and set the cup down, wondering who it was. Sandy and Kirsten both had keys. Summer? Marissa?

He opened the door.

Marcie.

"Hi." She smiled brightly and breezed past him into the hall.

He stood for a moment, hand on the open door, staring at the place where she had just been._ Do come in._

"Marcie." He forced what could be considered a smile.

"Where's Seth?" she asked impatiently.

Ryan kept his face blank.

"In bed."

Marcie tapped her foot against the marble floor. "Well go get him. We're studying."

Ryan didn't move.

"He's not in the best of shape right now."

She tossed her long blond hair over her shoulder. "We have a study date. I'm sure he'll understand."

"A study date," Ryan repeated slowly. "Seth didn't mention-"

"We made it last night, at the party," she interrupted. "Why don't I just go find him?" She started towards the stairs, but Ryan reached out and grabbed her arm.

"I'll go."

She glared at him for a moment, the straightened her sweater. "Whatever. Just hurry up, okay? We have a lot to do."

Ryan gave her a tight smile, then headed towards the pool house, grabbing Seth's coffee on the way. Seth was still asleep, curled in the sheets, only his messy, dark hair visible. Ryan smiled and sat on the bed next to him, holding the coffee just above the lump that was Seth's head. He didn't have to wait too long before the sheet twitched, and the shape beneath it stirred.

"I'm dying," Seth rasped.

Ryan pulled the sheet back to reveal Seth's pale complexion, eyes red and puffy. "Coffee?"

Seth took the mug with grateful eyes and a rueful smile.

"Don't let me drink ever again. If I even try it, just hit me. Or kiss me. Whichever you happen to be in the mood for."

"I'll bear that in mind."

Seth sipped his coffee. "Was I embarrassing? I mean, more than my usual quota."

Ryan smiled and shook his head. "Although you did try and undo my pants on the way to the car."

Seth's expression was one of pure comedy as his mouth dropped open, cup freezing halfway to his lips. A tinge appeared in his cheeks. "God, I am so sorry. I don't remember that." He took another sip. "Did I really do that?"

"Don't worry," Ryan reassured him. "Only Summer was there."

"Summer?" Seth moaned. "That's awful. That's-urgh. She'll never let me live it down. Anymore traumatising news for me?"

"Marcie's here."

Seth looked round the pool house, as if expecting her to be lurking behind the mini breakfast bar.

"Really? 'Cause I don't see her. Are you hallucinating again Ryan?"

"Seth, just go talk to her."

Seth groaned and shuffled under the covers. Ryan reached out and rescued the still full coffee mug as it was about to capsize.

"You talk to her."

"She's here for you."

"I don't want to see her," said Seth, or at least what sounded like Seth. Ryan could no longer see his head. He reached forward and pulled the sheet back. Seth squeezed his eyes shut.

"Neither do I."

Seth blinked up at him. "Please?"

Ryan leaned forward, until their lips were almost touching. "Go. Talk. To. Her."

Seth groaned again and flopped back against the pillow. "Okay," he muttered sulkily, kicking off the sheet and pulling at his rumpled shirt. "God, I hope Marcie won't yell at me for wearing the same shirt I was yesterday."

Ryan raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Summer used to do that a lot. Not that I regularly sleep in my clothes then wear them the next day. That would be gross. But you know, if the shirt isn't dirty, then why not? Not socks though, you can't do that with socks. Recycling socks just isn't right."

Ryan gave him a pointed look, eyes flickering to the door.

"Marcie. Right. I'll be back."

Ryan smiled to himself. He was counting on it.

* * *

Seth winced as Marcie gave him a blinding smile. People just shouldn't smile that brightly so early on a Saturday morning. Afternoon. Whatever.

"Hey sleepy! You didn't forget about our date did you?"

In all honesty, Seth could remember nothing about any such date. Did he make a date?

"Our study date. We said last night we'd get together today at noon at your place."

Nope, definitely couldn't remember the date.

"Yeah. I don't remember too much about last night. Today? Not so good for me. I'm supposed to be going sailing with Ryan." He thought about his earlier 'accident'. "Then again, maybe sailing's not such a good idea today."

"Sailing," Marcie repeated. "With...Ryan."

He nodded. "Something like that."

She pursed her lips. "Where's your bedroom?"

Seth blinked, surprised by the sudden change in conversation.

"Uh...upstairs."

"But I thought Ryan said you were asleep."

"I was."

She gestured towards the kitchen.

"Then what's out there?"

"Oh!" he said, suddenly understanding. "That's Ryan's room. He lives in the pool house. Which is actually cooler than it sounds."

"You were sleeping in _Ryan's_ room?"

Why was it when she said it, it sounded all sordid?

"Yeah, I kinda passed out there last night. Ryan covered for me with my parents."

She nodded slowly. "So you don't, like, sleep in there often?"

"Oh no," he shook his head. "The couch isn't very comfortable."

"You sleep on the couch?"

"Where else would I sleep?"

Marcie gave a relieved laugh. "You're absolutely right. Where else _would_ you sleep? I'm just being weird. I didn't mean to...imply."

Seth knew exactly what she was implying. The truth.

"No, no, of course not," he replied. "'Cause that would be weird. And now you have to go. Why don't I see you on Monday. Study hall? Study hall, good. See you then."

And Seth literally pushed her out of the door.

He could see her, through the glass, on the other side, and considered the fact that maybe he had been a bit rude. Then he considered the fact that Ryan was waiting for him in the pool house at that very moment, and they had the whole day to spend together with no parents and no Marissa and no Marcie.

Hmm, not so guilty all of a sudden.

Ryan was lying on the bed, eyes closed, a hand thrown across his face. He opened one eye when Seth came in and gave him a questioning look.

"She's gone," Seth confirmed as he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. The extra toothbrush he'd left in there eons ago sat next to Ryan's in the cup. His toothbrush in Ryan's bathroom. How had it taken him so long to see it? Ryan had seen it. Summer had seen it. Seth's freaking toothbrush was in Ryan's bathroom. How had he not seen it? What had he been thinking about every other time he'd looked at that toothbrush in Ryan's cup? Who had he been thinking about? What had Ryan been thinking about when he saw Seth's toothbrush in his cup? _How_ had Seth not seen it?

"You drowning in there?"

Seth blinked as Ryan's voice intruded into his thoughts.

"No," he murmured. "Not drowning." He stared at himself in the mirror, trying to really _see_ himself. Trying to see himself the way Ryan saw him. When had Ryan first known? What had he been doing? Had he been staring at Seth's toothbrush? Had he seen it, just sitting there, and _realised_?

"Seth?"

Seth stared at Ryan's image in the mirror. Ryan, who was small when Seth was tall. Ryan, who's hair was straight when Seth's was curly. Ryan, who was light when Seth was dark. Blue when he was brown. Quiet when he was loud. Strong when he was weak. Ryan was like his yang. His ying. Ryan was everything that could make him whole.

"Are you okay?"

"I think I need to sit down." Even as he said it, he felt his knees give way and Ryan reached for him, steadying him as Seth folded onto the carpet.

"Seth?"

Seth shook his head, unable to speak or formulate his thoughts. He suspected he might be having an epiphany, which was ridiculous because that only happened in movies, and he wasn't even sure what it was about. Perhaps simply that he needed Ryan, but that was no news to him. He'd needed Ryan since Ryan showed up in Newport. He'd needed Ryan to stand up for him, to talk to him, to tolerate him when no one else would. He still needed Ryan for those things, but now he needed him to hold him, to kiss him, to look at him with a little smile in his eyes, to clean up his pillow after he'd been drunk. He _needed_ Ryan.

"Hey." Ryan ran his fingers gently over Seth's cheek. "Are you okay?"

"When did you first notice my toothbrush?"

Ryan frowned in confusion.

"When did you first notice that my toothbrush was in your cup?"

Ryan's eyes cleared. "I don't know. I guess, when it first arrived?"

"When did you first notice me?" Seth asked.

"The first time I met you?"

"No," Seth persisted. "When did you _notice_ me. When did you realise?"

Ryan smiled uncertainly, but he must have sensed Seth's seriousness, because when he spoke, his voice was soft.

"There was never a specific point. I guess I just…knew." He looked consideringly at Seth. "You would do these things."

"What things"

Ryan laughed slightly. "Stupid things. Weird things. Like always putting the knives and forks clockwise around the table, knives first."

"Well, that was the way the Nana taught me to do it," Seth cut it defensively.

"And insisting on touching the first and last pages of a comic before reading it."

Seth nodded understandingly. "Well, that's so if a bear or wolf breaks into my room and feels like reading a comic, he'll know it belongs to someone else. They can smell it, see?"

Ryan raised an eyebrow. "Comic book reading bears and wolves. In southern California."

"It could happen. Tell me some more."

Ryan leant back against the basin, a thoughtful look on his face.

"Well, let's see. There was that time you got claustrophobia from being locked in the pool house on New Year. That was more amusing than endearing."

"And you thought I'd made my claustrophobia up."

Ryan rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Seth, the pool house has three glass walls. You sleep in here all the time."

"But the door's never locked."

"Sometimes it is."

Seth narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "You lock the door?"

"Well, I don't exactly want your dad walking in on us, do I?"

Seth considered. "Fair point. Tell me more."

Ryan smiled slightly. "I remember the first time we went sailing. You just looked as if you belonged on that boat. You'd been so awkward, never stopped talking, but on the boat, you just seemed like…you."

"Are you saying being awkward and talking non stop is _not_ me?"

Ryan ignored him.

"You used to get this look in your eyes when you talked about Summer. It was like there was nothing but her, even when she treated you like crap." He looked at the carpet. "Sometimes you still do."

Seth blinked. Did Ryan feel _threatened_ by Summer? Like, the same way he felt threatened by Marissa?

"Ah, those were the days," he said lightly. "Summer, ignoring me, calling me 'queer' occasionally." He fixed his gaze on the edge of the shower curtain. "You know, the only reason Summer even noticed I existed was because of you. Before she hit on you, she'd never even seen me. I mean, she'd seen me, of course, but not _seen_ me. And before you and Marissa, she didn't even know my name. I mean, she actually didn't _know_ it. Because of you, I have an amazing friendship with someone who I could never have worked out on my own. In fact, I probably owe everything in my relationship to you. That I got to be with her in the first place. And that I realised I wasn't right for her, or her me. Without you, I'd never have gotten to go out with her to know it wasn't right. Without you, I'd still be pining away for something that, well, doesn't exist."

He chanced a sideways look at Ryan.

He was still staring at the carpet. He exhaled slowly. "I remember when Summer puked on your shoes," he said. "You were so delighted, yet at the same time so disgusted."

"Kick Off Carnival," Seth said. "When you got together with Marissa."

Ryan was silent.

"Can I ask you something?" Without waiting for an answer, Seth ploughed on. "You have all these memories of me, from ages ago, from even when you were with Marissa. But you loved her, I know you did. How is that possible? How can you love her if you were thinking of me?" _And if you love me now, then are you thinking of her?_ He didn't say it out loud though, partly because he wasn't sure if Ryan did love him, and partly because he was afraid what the answer might be.

Ryan picked uncomfortably at the carpet underneath his legs.

"Okay," he said slowly. "The thing you have to understand is that I never even considered you an option. No matter how much I wanted you, I could never have you. So it didn't matter that I was with Marissa, because I couldn't be with you."

"But at Kick Off Carnival, at New Year, you wanted that, right? With her?"

"Of course I did. I only allowed myself to think of Marissa, of being with Marissa." He gave a grim laugh. "And even that proved to be nearly impossible. When I think what I went through to be with her."

He looked at Seth then, and Seth was surprised by the raw emotion in his eyes. Ryan was usually so closed, so cagey, so hard to read.

"It means nothing," he said softly. "It meant nothing. Because now I have you." He shook his head in slight exasperation. "I don't even know if what I'm saying is making sense."

Seth stared at him. Ryan had wanted him all this time. Ryan had wanted him, even though he had pretty, perfect Marissa. Even though Seth couldn't see past Summer's name. He'd wanted Seth.

"Why?" he asked.

Ryan raised his bent head in question.

"Why do you want me? Why do you even like me? God, I'm such a loser. And here you are, telling me you would have overthrown Marissa Cooper, _Marissa Cooper_, in a second to be with me. Why? Why do you care?"

Ryan was looking at him with wide eyes.

"How can you even ask me that?"

"Because I don't understand!" Seth blurted out. "I don't understand why you like me. I don't understand why you would want to be with me. I didn't understand it with Summer and I don't with you, and I'm terrified that tomorrow you're going to wake up and realise that I'm just not worth it."

He broke off, horrified with what he'd just admitted, and turned away, face burning with embarrassment. He'd just told Ryan how he felt. How he _really_ felt, stripped bare, no holds barred. God, if Ryan hadn't been unsure before he certainly would be now.

"Is that what you think?" Ryan asked quietly.

"No. Yes. I don't know."

There was a moment's silence, then Seth felt Ryan's fingers stroke across the back of his neck.

"You are worth it," he said.

Seth turned to look at him, and the fingers moved across his cheek, then slipped into his hair, pulling him closer.

"You _are_ worth it."

Ryan kissed him, and Seth surrendered, wrapping his own arms around Ryan's neck, pressing their bodies close and then laying his head on Ryan's shoulder as they sat in contemplative silence.

"We should go on Jerry Springer," Seth said after a while. He felt Ryan tilt his head questioningly.

"Well, we must have already been through far more trauma than most couples. And then there's the whole 'brother' thing, which I notice we have both been avoiding studiously."

Ryan didn't say anything.

"We have to talk about it sometime," Seth said. "I mean, dude, I'm totally fine with it, but I'm thinking other people, namely my parents, might not be." He sighed. "It's a very complicated, sticky mess." Hmm, maybe he shouldn't be using the phrase 'sticky mess' in relation to Ryan and himself.

Ryan shifted slightly under him.

"I guess we just…not tell them. At least not yet."

"Agreed. No telling anyone. Except Summer, who already knows making it therefore impossible to untell. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

Seth nodded in satisfaction.

"Good. Now can we please get up off the floor? My leg is starting to go numb."

* * *

Kirsten sighed as she leant against the dressing room wall.

If Julie made her try on one more dress he thought she might actually scream. She didn't think she could ever _dislike_ shopping, but today was, quite plainly, hell.

"Kiki!" Julie called, running in through the door. "I've found it! The perfect color. Teal!"

Kirsten stared at the dank green dress.

"Well, if you like it…"

"I love it!" cried Julie. "Now I just need you to try it on. I don't want it to give you that washed out look you sometimes get."

Kirsten resisted a strong urge to roll her eyes.

"Thanks Julie."

"Go!" said Julie, oblivious to the sarcasm. "Try on!"

Kirsten sighed and went back into the dressing room. This really wasn't how she planned on spending her Saturday morning. She'd wanted a nice, relaxing morning at home, with bagels and a bid cup of coffee. She'd also wanted to talk to the boys, because, despite what Ryan had said last night, she could have sworn she could smell the faint odour of beer on Ryan when he came in. And Seth had been sleeping in the pool house, which was definitely suspicious. She pulled the satin dress over her head. She just didn't want the boys to get in the habits of drinking, although admittedly Ryan seemed to have more sense than that. At least he knew what it could lead to. But Seth? Seth barely knew what was past his own, let alone anything about alcohol abuse. _Well, at least he follows where Ryan goes. _

She surveyed herself in the mirror. God, she looked awful in teal.

"Is it on?" asked Julie impatiently.

"Uh huh."

"Well. Let me see it."

Kirsten stepped out of the dressing room.

Julie's face fell.

"Oh," she said. "Well, it's, um, it looks _nice_. I'm just not sure it's quite the look I'm going for."

Kirsten tapped her foot in irritation.

"Julie. It looks awful. I look awful. You might as well just say it."

Julie looked slightly taken aback.

"There's no need to be huffy. I was just trying not to hurt your feelings."

Kirsten closed her eyes.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just need a cup of coffee, that's all."

"Well, why didn't you say? Let's go to the Mocha Latta. I am dying for a triple espresso."

Kirsten nodded wearily.

"You go on a head while I get changed. Grab us a table."

"Okay, see you in five!"

_Thank God for small favours, _Kirsten thought as he wiggled out of the dress and back into her own clothes. She wasn't sure how much more Julie she could stand, but Julie without caramel vanilla latte? Impossible.

She was almost at the Mocha Latta when with surprise she recognised a flash of neat white hair and expensive business suit. What on earth was her father doing at the mall on a Saturday morning? Didn't he spend most Saturday mornings at the office?

She saw him glance one way them the other before stepping hastily onto the elevator. The doors closed with his back to her, and she was unable to see his face.

She frowned. What had that been about?

Julie was waiting expectantly at a table when she reached the café, two steaming drinks in front of her, and despite herself Kirsten was touched.

"Caramel vanilla, right?" Without waiting for an answer, Julie pushed the tall glass toward her. "So what did you think of the pink dresses? The fuchsia, not petal. I just hate petal pink at weddings, don't you? It just screams impoverished."

"Julie," Kirsten interrupted. "What's my dad doing this morning?"

Julie gave her a funny look. "What are you talking about? He's working, just as he does every Saturday morning, and has done every Saturday morning since I think I met him."

"He couldn't have gone anywhere else?"

"What are you talking about?"

Kirsten shook her head tiredly.

"Nothing. I'm sorry, I don't what I'm talking about. You were saying about dresses..."

"What did you think of the gold? Is gold too flashy? Or is it classy…"

As Julie chattered on, Kirsten tuned her out. She remembered seeing her father earlier. Could she have been mistaken? She must have been. Julie was right; her father always worked Saturday mornings. There as no reason why he should be sneaking around the mall. No reason what so ever.

* * *

Ryan and Seth spent most of the rest of the day in bed, listening to music, watching T.V., playing a little Playstation. By the time Kirsten and Sandy came home from their respective days, Seth was completely hangover free and the boys had even ordered from the Crab Shack for dinner and laid the table.

They all sat down together, plates of steaming crab cakes and special prawn toast in front of them, ready to eat.

Ryan speared his first crab cake on his fork and raised it to his mouth, inhaling the wonderful odour that could only ever be a Crab Shack crab cake.

The phone rang.

Ryan froze, the crab cake so, so near, then sighed and dropped it back onto his plate, reaching for the phone behind him.

"Hello?"

"Ryan? It's me."

Ryan stiffened, hearing Marissa's voice on the other end of the line, and turned ever so slightly away from Seth.

"Hey. What's up?"

"Ryan I need you." There were tears in her voice.

He glanced around awkwardly.

"I'm kind of in the middle of dinner right now."

"Please. I just feel so awful. I've had another fight with my mom, and I just hate her so much. And my dad's still away with Hailey and I just feel like drinking right now. Please. You have to help me. You're the only one I can talk to."

Ryan closed his eyes. He knew what he was going to do. He'd known the second he heard her voice on the phone.

"I'll be right there."

He hung up and coughed nervously.

"That was, um, a friend from school. I was supposed to be at an emergency soccer practice and I forgot." He avoided Seth's eyes. "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to go."

Kirsten looked worried. "But what about your dinner?"

"Save it for me." Ryan stood up, putting his house keys in his pocket.

"Well, take the Range Rover," Sandy offered.

"Ah, it's okay, I'll walk. See you later."

He raced for the door, almost reaching it before Seth's voice stopped him.

"Ryan, wait."

He took a deep breath. _No more lies._

But when he turned around, seeing Seth standing there, he couldn't bring himself to tell the truth. He couldn't hurt Seth like that.

"I've gotta go. Later."

He closed the door behind him, trying not to imagine the look on Seth's face, the way _he'd _be feeling if Seth had just done that to him.

He scrubbed his hand across his face, breathed out slowly. He had to focus on Marissa right now.

He ran next door, and found her on the front porch, face tear stained, an empty Jack Daniels bottle held loosely in her hand.

He bent down in front of her, forced her to look at him, her eyes unfocused.

"Marissa? Marissa it's Ryan. Did you drink it, Marissa? Marissa!"

He shook her slightly, and her eyes cleared.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

Ryan fell back on his heels. "You drank it."

She shook her head slowly.

"I poured it into the plant." She gestured vaguely at a small, flowering orange tree. "I nearly did. But when you said you were coming…I just knew. I knew I could do it." She closed her eyes, tears slipping down her cheeks. "I'm sorry I'm so weak."

Ryan sighed and leant forward, putting his arms gently around her, letting her rest her head against his chest. "It's okay. You're not weak. It's okay."

He rocked her slowly, and she cried quietly as the sun set over Newport.

* * *

After dinner, when Ryan still isn't back, Seth plays three rounds of the ninja game and beats the computer every time. Then he goes online and downloads some tracks onto his iPod. Then he plays a one sided game of Jenga, which he also wins.

When it gets dark, and Ryan _still_ isn't back, he goes out onto the back balcony, restless and annoyed, because he knows Ryan's up to something and he's getting quite worried. Emergency soccer practice? Please.

And then he sees Ryan. With his arms around Marissa.

Oh.

Seth goes into the pool house, takes his toothbrush from Ryan's cup and flings it into the swimming pool.

When he's lying awake, much later, in bed and hears the hesitant footsteps outside his door and the gentle knock he pretends to be asleep.

After a moment, the footsteps go away, and Seth stares at the ceiling and feels even worse than he did before.

* * *

When Julie returns from her evening out with Caleb, tired from the mood another fight with her delightful daughter has left her in, she frowns at the countertop.

That's funny. She could have sworn she left the empty Jack Daniels bottle on there.

She remembered Caleb drinking the last of it Thursday evening, and had been meaning to put in the recycling ever since.

She sighs and shakes her head. She must be misremembering. She must have already put it out. It's been a long day.

She goes up to bed and, on her way, stops outside Marissa's door, listening for a moment to the silence inside. She wishes Marissa would talk to her. Who knows what's going on in that girl's head these days?

* * *

Kirsten Cohen swept into the breakfast room of their modest Newport mansion the next morning in an extremely good mood.

After lying awake over it half the night, she had decided that it had definitely not been her father she had seen at the mall yesterday. The very idea was ridiculous, so she really needn't to worry about that.

She had had a postcard that morning from Jimmy and Hailey, who were sailing around the Maldives in Hailey's friend's yacht, so she knew her little sister was safe.

And it was Sunday

That meant no work, no school, no shopping with Julie Cooper. Just a nice, relaxing day with her family.

She smiled as she put the coffee on, even humming to herself a little (though she would never admit it).

"Good morning honey," she greeted Seth as he entered in his pajamas, hair still mussed from sleep.

"No Mother," he replied. "It is not a good morning."

She frowned, pouring him coffee. "What's wrong?"

He looked at her for a moment, as if on the verge of saying something, then shook his head and reached for the newspaper. "Nothing."

Kirsten watched him for a moment, wondering if this was the sort of 'nothing' that needed prying into, when the glass door swung open and Ryan walked in, already dressed.

"Good morning sweetie."

She held out his cup of coffee, and he raised an eyebrow at her.

"Not so good?" she speculated.

Ryan shrugged. "I guess."

He glanced at Seth. "Can I have the headlines?"

Seth split them from the Arts and Leisure section and handed them over without raising his eyes.

Ryan stared at him for a moment, then took them, silently.

Kirsten realised that it wasn't going to be such a relaxing day after all.

"So," she said, trying to lighten the tension that had suddenly descended on the kitchen. "What do you all want to do today? Because I was thinking it might be nice to do something. Together. As long as it's not shopping with Julie Cooper, I'm open to suggestions."

"Actually mom, I can't today," Seth said, head buried in the paper. "I'm studying with Marcie today."

Ryan glanced sharply at him. "You are?"

Seth shrugged, still not looking up. "Figured you'd have more emergency soccer practice," he replied, a slight sneer in his voice.

Ryan's eyes hardened, his jaw tightening slightly.

Kirsten glanced between them "Am I missing something here?"

"I don't know mom. Ryan, do you think she's missing something? Or is everything exactly how it appears to be?"

Seth did look up then, and Kirsten was shocked by the raw anger in her son's eyes. Anger and something else, something deeper.

Ryan stared back at him for a moment, then abruptly put his undrunk coffee back on the counter.

"I gotta go," he muttered, then turned and went back through the glass doors.

Kirsten put her own coffee down and placed her hands on her hips.

"What is going on between you two?"

To her surprise, Seth put the paper down and looked at her.

"I wish I knew," he said, then followed Ryan out of the door.

Yep, so much for her relaxing Sunday.

* * *

Seth followed Ryan into the pool house, where Ryan was waiting for him, sitting on the edge of the bed, hands clasped, head lowered.

He didn't look up as Seth came in, and for a moment neither of them spoke.

"You lied to me," Seth said finally. "You were with Marissa."

Ryan didn't reply.

"I'll take that as a yes then."

"Maybe you shouldn't jump to conclusions," said Ryan quietly.

"Ryan, I _saw_ you together. You had your arms around her!"

"I was trying to help her!"

"How exactly? By feeling her up?"

Ryan jumped to his feet then, eyes blazing, hands clenched at his sides.

"That's what I mean. You immediately presume something was going on. I was just being her friend."

"Yeah," snapped Seth. "_Really_ friendly."

Ryan opened his mouth, as if to snap back, but then closed it suddenly in defeat. He had gone very still.

"I can't do this," he said.

Seth felt as if Brad had slammed his locker into his ribs again.

"I just…can't."

Seth said nothing.

The awful truth of Ryan's words went straight to his lungs. Ryan couldn't do this anymore. With him. With Seth.

They both stood in silence, neither speaking, moving, barely breathing.

Ryan couldn't do this anymore.

"You're right," Seth said softly.

He felt Ryan look at him, but couldn't bear to meet his eyes. If he did that he might lose his resolve, and for once in his life Seth was determined to be unselfish. If this was what Ryan wanted then it was what Seth would do.

"This wouldn't work. It couldn't have. We…it was just too strange. This is probably for the best. This way things can just…go back to normal."

Things could never go back to normal. Not now. Seth knew he couldn't pretend.

Ryan was still looking at him, but Seth turned away. He didn't want to see the look in Ryan's eyes. He didn't want his pity.

"It was stupid. It should never have happened. We should just…forget it ever did."

The words tasted like bile in his mouth, and Ryan _still_ wasn't saying anything, but then Seth was walking away, his feet moving automatically, so that he couldn't have stopped even if he'd wanted to.

Seth wanted to scream and cry and grab Ryan and beg him not to do this.

But he just went to his room, lay on his bed and held Captain Oats until Marcie came to pick him up, and then he smiled and laughed and made sarcastic remarks, and after awhile he wondered if he and Ryan had ever even existed. Perhaps he had made the whole thing up. Maybe Ryan had never really felt that way about him, and it was all just a product of Seth's warped imagination.

He wasn't sure if that thought hurt more or less.


	7. Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You

Disc: still don't own it. Damn it.

Warnings: this is SLASH people. If you don't like it, please don't feel obliged to read it. I really don't want to know about your homophobic hang ups…

a/n: In the events of the news I have received about season 3's finale (to those of you who have heard/seen it: you KNOW what I'm talking about. I only have one thing to say. YESSSSS!) I have decided to (finally) update. Sorry it's been a million squillion years. My internet access at uni sucks. This is my (lame) excuse. Feedback me and I will love you forever. I give you long, seriously overdue chapter. Thanks for the continuing encouragement from everyone, I really appreciate it. Especially to Angel, because your review made me laugh, and show everyone. Enjoy!

"_And if I lived 'til I was a hundred and two, I just don't think I'll ever get over you." –Colin Hay_

Ryan arrives at school Monday morning with a heaviness in his step.

He has biked to school, trying to ignore the way Seth has avoided him at breakfast, or the orange soft top that blows past him halfway to school, and the curly haired passenger inside.

He tries not to look as Marcie bends over in the hallway, displaying a set of perfect, slim, tanned legs, and pretends not to notice when Seth moves seats in homeroom to sit near the back, as far away from Ryan as possible.

Every breath is hurting this morning.

Ryan is tired, he's sad, he's had enough. And it's only nine thirty.

He moves through his morning classes like a zombie. He doesn't answer questions. He doesn't take notes. He doesn't speak to his classmates.

Everything hurts.

When Marissa sits next to him in Western Civ, he doesn't have the heart to tell her that Saturday night had meant nothing, and that by being her 'friend' he has managed to ruin the best thing that has happened to him in a long time.

She smiles, and tells him how grateful she is that he had been there for her, and how much he was helping her, and how she just _knows_ this time she was going to get through it.

And Ryan tries not to think of Seth, and how everything hurts.

* * *

On Tuesday, Seth considers just not going. He wants to pretend to be ill, to stay in bed all day and have his mom look after him, like she did when he was little. But his mom always could spot when he was faking, so he drags himself up and gets dressed and leaves without having breakfast, so he won't have to see Ryan. And when he accidentally bumps into him in the cafeteria, he quickly averts his eyes and pretends that Ryan isn't there, and that he's just seeing things.

If only it wouldn't hurt so much.

* * *

On Wednesday, Summer offers Ryan a ride to school. Ryan takes one look at the back of Seth's head, and declines.

He doesn't bother with the cafeteria.

* * *

On Thursday, Ryan takes his bike around the back, and Seth gets into Marcie's car at the front.

Neither of them eat lunch.

* * *

On Friday, Kirsten and Sandy realise they have a big problem.

* * *

"And as you can clearly see from these charts, property development and buying in our area had increased by a major twenty five percent in comparison to last year. That's a quarter of previous development. Which is good news to us."

Kirsten glanced around the board room, sure that she had the attention of all the members. All but one. Her father was staring out of the window. Typical.

"If these figures continue to rise throughout the year, then we could be looking at some of the best profits the Newport Group has made in a long time. And with the summer interest, we are sure to be getting a new wave. This means that we must all be working our hardest to keep interest and profit maximum, problems and difficulties minimum. We all do our jobs well, we won't have a problem. We screw up, we loose a major goldmine. Any questions?"

Of course not. Kirsten was always thorough.

"Great. Thanks everyone. I'll see you Tuesday."

There was a scraping of chairs and light chatter as the meeting broke up, everyone moving off to their respective work places.

Kirsten felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to face her father.

"Excellent meeting, Kiki," he said. "As always. You didn't leave a thing out."

"I'm surprised you noticed," she replied dryly. "You seemed to be finding the view so fascinating."

"Ah, you know me, I get distracted easily."

Kirsten raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Sure." She glanced towards the door. "Listen, dad. Where were you on Saturday?"

"Working of course."

"At the office?"

"Yes at the office." He sounded impatient. "Kiki, what's this about?"

Kirsten hesitated, the man at the mall still in her mind. "Nothing. Nothing at all. I'll see you later."

Caleb gave her a suspicious look. "Alright."

He kissed her quickly on the cheek. "Have a nice afternoon."

She nodded and watched the back of his head as he walked away. She could have sworn it was him on Saturday.

"Just stop thinking about it," she muttered. "Just stop."

By the time she got home that evening, she had, once again, convinced herself that it really wasn't him, that he had no reason to lie to her, that everything was fine. Besides, she really didn't want to be thinking about that right now, not when she was with her family.

Hmm, not that that was much consolation at the moment. Seth and Ryan were barely talking. They had stopped spending time together. They had stopped going to school together. They had even tried to avoid having meals together.

Seth was playing Playstation when she got back, on his own, and she could see that the blinds in the pool house were pulled down.

She sighed, as Sandy enveloped her in a comforting hug.

"Have they been like this all afternoon?" she asked.

"Certainly since before I got home," he replied. "Should we try talking to them?"

She sighed again. "Let's wait until after dinner. I need sushi."

Dinner was a strained affair, with Seth and Ryan sitting side by side trying to pretend each other didn't exist, and Kirsten and Sandy chattering endlessly to try and fill the very obvious void that had been created.

Seth and Ryan ate silently, then Ryan asked to be excused under the guise of homework, and Seth said he needed to call Summer.

Alone, Kirsten and Sandy exchanged a look.

"I'll take Ryan," she volunteered.

He nodded. "I'll tackle Seth."

They shared a quick kiss.

"Good luck."

She took a deep breath. "You too."

She stepped out of the kitchen and up the steps. The blinds were pulled down in the pool house. She sighed. Ryan hated to be disturbed when the blinds were down. As she was passing the pool, she glanced into the water and blinked in surprise. Was it her imagination, or was there a toothbrush in the pool?

Ryan, it turned out, really was studying, which meant at least his grades would be improving, despite the fact that he looked like he might fall asleep standing up any second.

"Hey sweetie."

He glanced up, an unreadable flash of emotion on his face, then carefully blank.

"Hey."

"Can I come in?"

He nodded, gestured to the bed.

She sat, and glanced over his textbook.

"Algebra?"

He nodded.

She smiled in sympathy. "I always hated algebra."

"Is everything okay?"

Kirsten winced. She was so bad at this.

"No," she admitted. "Not really."

Ryan raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Sweetie, the thing is, Sandy and I have noticed that you and Seth, well, you're not talking, and we wondered…what's gone wrong?"

Ryan fixed his eyes determinedly on his textbook and said nothing.

"Look, I know you boys like to keep things private, and we try not to pry into your lives, but this seems serious. And it's affecting us as a family."

For a moment Ryan remained silent.

"Sorry," he said finally.

Kirsten closed her eyes.

"Ryan, I'm not angry. You don't need to apologise. I just want to know what's going on."

He fiddled with the pages of his book.

"Look. Whatever has happened between me and Seth, we'll work it out. It just might take some time."

She smiled sadly. "Can't you even give me a hint?"

"We will work it out. Just…please, let us?"

She watched him for a moment, the nodded.

"Okay. Okay, if that's what you want."

She gave his hand a quick squeeze. "I'm here if you want to talk."

He nodded, and, knowing she would get nothing more, she left.

As she reached the door, Ryan squeezed his eyes shut, his hands clenching into tight fists. If she hadn't known him so well, she might have said it almost seemed like he was trying not to cry.

* * *

Sandy paused outside Seth's door, listening to the low murmur of music inside, preparing to knock.

"Yeah?"

He took that as teenager for "Come in.", and slowly pushed the door open, stepping into the room to reveal Seth lying on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, the phone held loosely in one hand.

"Summer not there?"

He shook his head, looking miserable.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not particularly."

Sandy sat carefully on the edge of the bed.

"It might help."

"Yeah right."

Sandy sighed.

"What do I do, kid? You and Ryan are broken, but I can't fix it unless you tell me how."

"Broken," Seth repeated, his voice a whisper.

Sandy looked at him, but Seth's eyes were glazed, far away.

"Seth, talk to me."

Seth turned his head, but his eyes were still so far.

"Just leave me alone."

"Seth-"

"Leave me alone!"

Sandy was taken aback at the sudden anger. Seth rarely ever shouted at him.

He stood.

"Okay," he said. "Okay, I'm going. But you need to sort this out with him, before it's too late and you no longer can."

Seth didn't reply, eyes back on the ceiling, and Sandy sighed and walked away.

What more could he do?

* * *

Seth hears his father leave, but doesn't move, staring blankly at the ceiling, wishing he could disappear into some parallel universe in which he didn't see Ryan with Marissa that night, or better yet, a universe with no Marissa at all.

"_And there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade, and now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all." _

The words of the song he is listening to slowly filter through his numbness, like a message written just for him.

"_And here I rest, where disappointment and regret collide. When I'm lying awake at night."_

And suddenly he realises that it's true, that he's lost Ryan, that's it over.

It's over.

Before he knows what he's doing, he's raising his fist with the phone clutched in it, and hurling the phone across the room at the c.d. player. The music jumps and there is an audible crack, and then sudden silence.

There is a fracture across the screen, a deep break that has shattered the plastic either side. The glowing numbers of the clock fade as the player stops, mid song, spluttering and dying.

Crap.

He falls back on the bed with a defeated sigh.

No Death Cab. No Ryan. No nothing.

No nothing.

* * *

Ryan stared out across the pool, the stillness of the night wrapping around him, the warm air resting heavily on his skin, strangely comforting.

The air had never felt like that in Chino. There it had been suffocating, stifling. But in Newport it was clean, full of second, third and fourth chances.

_Just not with Seth._

God, Ryan had screwed that up.

He'd lied to Seth, he'd gone behind his back, he'd chosen Marissa.

And Seth had had enough.

Seth couldn't deal with Ryan anymore. Seth had given up.

"Hey."

He stiffened in surprise at Marissa's voice, and felt a sudden frisson of sadness shoot through him.

He didn't want Marissa. He wanted Seth.

"Can't sleep?"

He nodded, and she sat next to him, dangling her legs in the pool.

"Me either."

For a few moments they sat in silence, then Marissa sighed.

"What are we?" she asked.

Ryan groaned inwardly. Not this. Not now.

"We're…us," he said lamely.

"Yes, but what _are_ we Ryan? What am I to you?"

"Marissa you're my friend."

"Friends? Ryan please. We're more than friends."

"Please don't start this again."

To his surprise, she fell silent, gently splashing her feet against the edge of the pool.

"Do you remember our first date?" she asked softly. "We were right here. You made me grilled cheese sandwiches and we fell in the pool-"

"And then Donny shot Luke and you went back to him, and none of it made any difference."

Marissa looked down into the water.

"Those weren't happy times, Marissa," he said softly.

"Some were."

"Which ones? The ones when you tried to kill yourself? Or when your mom was trying to send you away? Or when we were fighting about Oliver? Or Theresa?"

"How about on the ferris wheel?" she shot back. "Or on the pier?"

"Two whole times?"

"There were more!" she protested.

"No, there weren't. Our whole relationship was one big mess."

"Don't say that," she said, and Ryan realised she was crying, that he had made her cry, and that was the last thing he'd meant to do.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"It meant everything to me," she whispered. "You mean everything to me."

And for the second time that week Ryan found himself putting his arms around her and holding her whilst she cried.

* * *

Seth woke up late Saturday morning, and it took him a few seconds to remember why his c.d. player wasn't working.

Depressing song. Angst over Ryan. Throwing things. Oh yeah.

He stumbled out of bed and down into the kitchen, where bagels and cream cheese and muffins and even bacon lay out on the table, and Seth felt a sudden plummeting in his stomach, because he knew that Ryan had done it all, yet was now nowhere in sight.

Avoiding Seth.

He was about to shuffle towards the couch with his juice and muffin, when an envelope on the side caught his eye, the words 'Seth Cohen' splashed across it in black type.

Hmm, mail. He never got mail.

He put down his breakfast, ripping the envelope open, and pulled out a small folded note.

It took him a few moments staring at it to actually realise what it was he was staring at, the words all cut out of glossy fashion magazines, like in a tacky movie, spelling out a message in pink, surrounded by heavily made up fashion eyes.

_Watching you._

_Watching me what?_ Seth wondered. _Why the hell is someone watching me? _

His first instinct was to laugh it off, to forget about it, pretend it never happened, just someone's idea of a stupid prank.

But then there was a spike of fear.

There was something unsettling about the message. It wasn't threatening, yet it wasn't friendly.

Someone was watching him.

And he was fully prepared to overcome the argument with Ryan. To get over Ryan ditching him and totally breaking his heart. To forget it ever happened and run to him and show him the note, and they would figure it out together, because that's what he and Ryan _did_. They overcame things. Together.

But he had hardly taken three steps towards the pool house when the door opened, and out stepped not Ryan, but Marissa, looking rumpled and sleepy.

They stared at each other for a second, then Seth turned and ran back into the house, up to his room, stuffing the note into a drawer where he was determined it would remain, forgotten.

It was nothing. He didn't need Ryan's help.

He didn't need Ryan.

* * *

Ryan woke early, vaguely aware of a body pressed against his, and smiled, snuggling closer, wrapping his arms around the slim waist and burying his nose in the soft hair.

Long hair. That smelt like strawberries.

He opened his eyes, blinking in the dim light, and stared down at Marissa, sound asleep beside him.

God, it was a mess.

He hadn't meant to let her stay last night, but she had just been so upset, so vulnerable. And everyone knew that Ryan Atwood couldn't resist vulnerable.

_At least I didn't sleep with her._

That was possibly the only thing that could make this situation any worse.

He slipped out of bed, careful not to wake her, and pulled on a pair of jeans, grabbing a shirt and escaping to the kitchen. He quickly put the shirt on, then opened the fridge, pulling out bacon, cream cheese and various other breakfast materials.

If there was one thing that could take his mind off Seth, it was cooking.

But he couldn't get his mind off Seth, not even watching the bacon sizzling in the pan. He and Seth had barely spent more than fifteen minutes in each other's company for the last week, and it was killing him, due to the fact that his Seth Touching Compulsion still hadn't dissipated, so whenever he and Seth were within two metres of each other he practically had to restrain himself from reaching out and molesting him.

It was killing him.

He gathered the mail from the mail box, carefully placing the letter for Seth on the side board, where he knew it would be seen. Seth barely ever got mail. He would be like a child at Chrismukkah.

Ryan forced the fond smile from his face and went round the side of the house, quickly unlocking his bike and climbing on, cycling down the street at a fast pace.

Call him a coward, but he didn't think he could deal with Marissa when she woke up.

How had he gone from having the one thing he had always wanted, to the one thing he definitely didn't want? How had he and Seth been so close one minute, yet so far the next?

How had he managed to drive Seth away?

In retrospect, he knew.

He had lied to Seth. He hadn't talked about the problem. He'd yelled at Seth.

But then Seth was the one who had walked away.

Ryan had just wanted a little space, a little time to compose himself, but Seth had walked out on him.

Seth hadn't wanted him anymore.

And that was the thing that hurt most, because Ryan had known, right from the start, that if Seth rejected him that would be the end. But he'd gone and jumped anyway.

Perhaps it had been inevitable.

He rode along the pier, weaving around kids and parents, girls giggling, laden down with shopping bags, licking ice creams, admiring each other's tans. Guys standing in groups, laughing, showing off. A dude rode past on his skateboard, flipping the board over as he jumped in the air, not breaking his pace.

Ryan stopped, stared after him, the image of Seth doing exactly the same thing a week ago imprinted in his brain as if burned there.

"You really screwed up," he murmured softly.

"I always knew you were mad, Chino. Now I finally have the proof."

He balked in surprise at the voice, definitely not expecting to see Summer standing in front of him, one perfectly manicured foot resting comfortably in her white heeled sandals on the wheel of his bike. She was dangling several shopping bags from one hand, her sunshades pushed back up onto her head, her dark eyes mock serious.

"Hey Summer."

"What are you doing out here?" she asked. "Brooding?"

Ryan tried hard not to scowl. He was not brooding. He was…thinking.

"The mall's in the other direction," he said.

God, when did he turn into such an asshole?

"Bite me," she replied. "We need to talk."

He sighed.

"Not now, okay?"

"Yes now."

She tugged forcefully on his arm, and he sighed again, this time in defeat, allowing her to pull him from the bike and wheel it to the edge of the pier.

"Okay," she said, setting her bags down on the ground. "Firstly, what the hell are you doing? And secondly, what the hell are you doing?"

Ryan blinked. "Um…"

"Are you, like, completely emotionally detached or something?"

"Not completely."

She thumped him hard on the arm.

"Don't be smart with me, Ryan, okay? You are acting like a complete assface. You've broken Seth's heart and completely given Marissa the wrong signals and severely pissed me off. All in one week." She hit him again.

"Woah." Ryan held up a hand in defence. "Firstly, stop hitting me. Secondly, I didn't break Seth's heart. Thirdly, I never said or did anything to Marissa that could have given her the wrong impression. And fourthly, everything I do pisses you off, so I've already lost there."

"That's not true. Not everything you do pisses me off. Just most things. And if you didn't break Cohen's heart, then why does he whine to me over the phone every night about how much he misses you, and how it isn't fair and blah blah blah."

Ryan had gone very still.

"He does?"

"Yeah, jackass. He does."

He took a deep breath, trying to absorb this new piece of information. Seth missed him.

"He was the one who wanted to end it," he said finally.

Summer was quiet for a moment, then she reached out and put her hand gently on his arm.

"Look, he didn't tell me exactly what happened between you two." For a second she frowned. "He's being super annoying and actually showing some restraint for the first time in his life. And I don't know whose fault it was, or who said what or whatever, I don't care. But he misses you."

Ryan closed his eyes.

He missed him too. Every time he avoided looking at him, didn't speak to him, couldn't touch him.

But he couldn't quite let go of that image of Seth walking away from him, walking out of the pool house, saying it was a bad idea.

Ryan had never trusted easily, but he had trusted Seth, always trusted Seth.

Now he didn't know what to think.

"I can't," he said softly.

"Can't what?" Summer asked, tone surprisingly patient.

"I can't go back."

There, he'd said it. He couldn't go back from losing Seth to having him, maybe then only to lose him again. He couldn't.

He pulled away, and Summer's hand fell loosely to her side.

"I appreciate what you're trying to do," he said, unable to look at her, eyes flickering across the pier, out onto the ocean, anywhere but her. "But I don't think there's any point."

He turned to go, hands gripping the handles of his bike, forcing him forwards. Don't look back.

"Ryan, wait."

She grabbed his arm again, and he grimaced, refusing to turn and face her.

"Don't do it," she said. "Don't throw it away."

He did look at her then, and he could see himself reflected back in her irises. Flat, empty.

"I already have."

She didn't try to stop him this time, and he walked along the pier, got back on his bike and rode home to the pool house, where he pulled down all the shades, hid his head under the pillow, and wished he'd never kissed Seth, never known Seth.

But then he'd still be worse off, wouldn't he?

* * *

Summer stares awkwardly at the phone in her hand, debating, as she has been doing for the last half hour, whether or not she really wants to call him.

She should. She knows she should. As his friend, it is her duty to tell him

But does it have to be her duty to break his heart?

* * *

Seth thought he was probably in some kind of catatonic state when the phone rang.

He definitely wasn't totally alive, because his head was sort of fuzzy, and he thought maybe he could still see the leprechauns from his dream dancing on the bed spread.

They were going to tell him the secret to disposing of Marissa, he remembered. That way he could have Ryan to himself.

The phone was still ringing.

With clumsy, sleep heavy limbs he reached across to his nightstand, fumbling at the lamp and Captain Oats before he found the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Seth? It's me."

Me. Okay.

"Who?" he murmured, blinking at the mid afternoon light that filtered through his window. Had he slept all this time?

There was an impatient sigh from the telephone.

"Summer, you ass. I need to talk to you."

Seth yawned, eyeing the big crack on his stereo screen.

"So talk."

"Not on the phone. I need to talk to you in person."

Had he really done that? And how the hell was he going to fix it? He couldn't exactly go to his parents.

"Cohen, hello?"

"Hmm?"

Apparently Summer had been talking.

"Are you okay?"

"I actually just sort of woke up. My brain's not working yet."

"It's three thirty in the afternoon."

"Tough morning."

"So, I'm coming over."

Seth squeezed his eyes shut. He wasn't really in the mood for Summer right now.

"Do you have to?" he asked, before he could censor his words. "I mean, I'm just a bit tired right now."

"This can't wait."

"Summer-"

He broke off, the dial tone buzzing monotonously in his ear.

Damn.

He sighed, dragging himself into a sitting position and staring blankly at the wall.

He supposed he should get up, make himself look presentable, eat something.

But any of those activities ran the risk of seeing Ryan. Or worse, Marissa.

Nope, not up to it right now.

He wondered vaguely where his parents were.

His mom had been up earlier, badgering him about breakfast, but he'd lied and said he'd eaten. He thought she said something about going shopping. He hadn't seen his dad.  
He could barely believe that this time last week he had been deliriously happy. Well, okay, so he had been slightly hung over, but he had also had some mind blowing revelation about his toothbrush being Ryan's bathroom. And now his toothbrush was at the bottom of the pool.

Hmm. Maybe he should remove that sometime.

How had everything gotten so screwed up so fast?

He sighed, rubbing his hands over his eyes and wishing he could turn back the clock, wishing he hadn't walked out that night and seen Ryan and Marissa together. Better to be oblivious and happy, right?

Except that it wasn't, of course, and that it would have all come out eventually anyway, as these things have a habit of doing, and then he'd be in exactly the same position.

He didn't want to see Summer. He didn't want to talk to her, because then she would drag it all out of him, and he really, _really_ didn't want to relive those moments in the pool house where Ryan could no longer be bothered with him.

"Cohen?"

He groaned, resisting a strong urge to crawl back into bed.

"Cohen? You in here?"

Summer pushed open the door (without knocking) and took in Seth, half sprawled on the bed, crossing her arms and glaring at him in disapproval.

"Get up," she ordered. "Get your lazy ass out of bed and put on some clothes that don't reek of yesterday. We're going out."

Seth scowled.

"No," he replied. "We're not."

Summer hit him. Hard.

"I said get up. Now."

He held her gaze a moment more, then dropped his head in submission. Was there really any point in even trying to argue?

"Good. Now meet me downstairs in five minutes. And no arguing."

Seth nodded, then flopped sadly back onto his bed as she left, giving the stereo a mournful look.

What he wouldn't give for a little Damien Rice right now.

* * *

Ryan, having skipped lunch, eventually decides he should eat something, and hesitantly makes his way to the kitchen.

He can't believe he's being such an idiot about this, but he really can't deal with seeing Seth right now. Seeing Seth will make him want to do things to Seth that he no longer has the right to do.

He hesitates outside the glass door, peering furtively through, reminded, suddenly, of doing this the day he and Seth first got together.

The kitchen's empty this time, though, and he slips inside, quietly closing the door behind him in case Seth happens to be in the living room.

He is about to open the fridge, when Summer appears in the doorway, glaring at him with arms crossed.

Ryan groans inwardly, but forces his face into some sort of semblance of a smile.

"Don't smirk at me," she snaps. "I am about to go and break Seth's heart for you."

He sighs.

"Can you give it a rest?"

"No Ryan. I can't. Don't you have any sense of responsibility?"

"Just leave it," he grinds out.

Summer shoots him a dark look.

"Unlike you, I actually believe in closure. Therefore I am going to give Seth some, so that he may get over this little disaster that you have inflicted upon him."

Ryan stares at her in disbelief. The _fucking_ nerve.

"Why don't just keep your nose out? Whatever happened between me and Seth is our business. It's got nothing to do with you."

"It's got everything to do with me." She takes a step towards him, eyes blazing. "I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces, to put back together what's left of him."

Ryan turns away.

"You make it sound like we were married," he mutters.

Her grip on his arm is sharp, unforgiving.

"Have you even got a heart? God Ryan, I always knew you were cold. But this? This is beyond. It's Seth we're talking about. _Seth_."

Ryan snaps.

"You think I don't know that? You think I haven't seen him every second of every day for the last week? You think every time I look at him it doesn't feel something's breaking inside of me? You think I don't get it?"

He wrenches his arm away, flushing from the sudden burst of emotion, turning away from her.

She sighs.

"If you still care about him so much, why don't you just tell him?"

"You forget. It was him that walked away from me."

"Yeah, and what did you do to him, Ryan? Why did he walk away in the first place? Don't be such an ass."

"You weren't there!" He clenches his fists, trying to get some control over his emotions. "You didn't see him, didn't hear him. It's over."

He can feel her watching him, but refuses to turn around. God, why can't she just let it go?

"You're not even willing to fight for him."

He still doesn't turn.

"You know what? You don't deserve him."

He doesn't reply to that. What can he say? She's totally right. He doesn't deserve Seth.

"Summer? You ready to-"

Seth's voice abruptly cuts off as he reaches the kitchen. Ryan looks up at the intrusion, then immediately wishes he hasn't because Seth is a little pale, and his eyes are tired and droopy, and all Ryan wants to do is take him to the pool house and lay him on the bed and tuck him up under the comforter.

"Hi," he says, the word just slipping out, and Seth stares at him for a moment, before managing a half smile.

"Hey."

Ryan opens his mouth, suddenly desperate to say something, anything to make this moment last, but Seth is turning to Summer, giving her a pleading look and avoiding Ryan's eyes completely.

"We gotta jet," Summer says, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she turns, grabbing Seth's hand.

"Later," she says, but her tone is icy, suggesting she would rather eat her new pair of Jimmy Choos than speak to him again anytime in the near future.

Seth doesn't look back as they go down the hall, and Ryan sits dejectedly down at the breakfast bar, deciding he isn't quite so hungry after all.

* * *

Seth protested as Summer stuffed him into a booth and ordered two black and white milkshakes, before he even had a chance to peruse the menu.

"Shut up," she snapped. "We've been here a thousand times. I know what you like."

She wouldn't speak until after their shakes had come, and even then insisted on asking Seth if it was okay, if he needed anything else.

"Summer, I'm fine. What is this about?"

She took a deep breath, taking his hand across the table.

"I saw Ryan today."

He raised his eyebrows, non plussed.

"Yeah, I was there. I did kind of notice."

"No, no. Before that. This morning."

"Oh." Then, before he could stop himself. "Was Marissa with him?"

Summer frowned. "Marissa? Why? What's going on?"

He shook his head. "Nothing."

"Cohen." Man, there was no arguing with that tone. "Spill."

He sighed.

"This morning I sort of, uh, stumbled upon Marissa coming out of the pool house. And she didn't exactly look as if she was there for an early breakfast, if you know what I mean."

Summer stared at him.

"You are joking."

"Do I look like I'm joking? Do you honestly think I would joke about something like that?"

Her eyes blazed and he shrunk back a little. Prepare for Summer rage blackout.

"That ass! I cannot believe him! After all that crap he said. And he was sleeping with Marissa! God, that…that…there are no words! I am gonna kill him!"

She made as if to actually get up and go off to kill Ryan at that very moment.

"Don't," Seth said. "Just leave it."

"I will not! He deserves to be killed!"

"Will you just forget about it? I don't want you to go and kill Ryan. I want you to let it go and stop going on about it."

She glared at him for a moment, then sunk back into her seat.

"You can't just let it go."

"Yes I can. Ryan and I were a bad idea. Ryan and Marissa fit. Let them get on with it, and I will get on with…whatever I have to get on with. It's over."

She shook her head sadly.

"There's still a chance, you know."

"No," he replied firmly. "There isn't. It's finished."

Even as he said the words, he felt like something was breaking inside of him. To spend the rest of his life looking at Ryan over the breakfast table, riding with him to school, swimming with him in the pool and knowing that everything he'd ever wanted was only a breath away, but much, much further.

"Let's go to the beach," Summer said.

Seth shrugged.

Sure, why not? It wasn't like he had anything to go home to.

* * *

The beach was crowded with kids from school, all of whom seemed to know Summer and just _had_ to run over and say 'hi', giving Seth the cursorily you're-not-really-important-enough-to-be-on-our-radar glance as they discussed Summer's new Prada beach bag and who was going with whom to the Summer Prom.

Seth groaned and turned away.

Like he could care less about the Summer Prom. It was weeks away.

He moved a little down the beach, searching for a space and sitting on the sand, gazing out at the ocean, at the people that milled among the waves, perfect bodies in designer bikinis, looking as though they had stepped out of an advert for vitamins or something.

He closed his eyes, letting the heat from the afternoon sun penetrate his t-shirt, seeping into his muscles and relaxing him.

He tried to forget about that morning, forget about what he had seen. Tried to forget about Ryan.

A shadow fell over his spot and he opened his eyes, squinting at the figure, expecting it to be Summer.

It was Brad.

He groaned inwardly. As if the day could get any worse.

"Leave me alone."

Brad squatted on the sand next to him, bringing his face very close to Seth's.

"We never finished our conversation from Marcie's party."

"And I'm perfectly happy with that."

"Well I'm not." He leaned even further forward, invading Seth's personal space.

"There are still a few things I'd like to _drive home_."

Seth gulped.

"Cohen! What the hell are you doing? We'll be late for the Paul Frank sale!"

Huh?

"Oh hey, Brad."

Summer carelessly pushed Brad aside and yanked Seth to his feet.

"The Westside Mall is closing in four hours, and I don't have a car."

Seth was very, very confused.

"Um Summer…?"

"Don't argue with me. Walk!"

She took his arm and began to frog march him along the beach, Seth went with it for a few metres, then began to struggle against her grip."

"Don't," she said. "He's still looking at us."

"How do you know?"

"Trust me."

He let her guide him through the crowds, weaving this way and that until they were far down the beach, a million people between them and Brad.

"Thanks."

She shrugged.

"My job, remember?"

He scratched his arm, absently.

"We don't really have to go to a Paul Frank sale, do we?"

Summer looked thoughtful.

"It might be necessary, just to strengthen our excuse…"

"Seth!"

She broke off at the girly squeal, looking annoyed.

"Seth. Oh my God! I can't believe I ran into you. I was, like, so totally going to call you!"

Seth forced a weak smile.

"Hey Marcie."

He had been spending a lot of time with Marcie this week, partly due to their Shakespeare project, partly due to his Ryan-angst, and needing someone to take his mind off everything. Marcie was good at that. She tended to talk about nothing at all, yet spent an extraordinary amount of time doing it. A lot like himself really.

She beamed at him.

"Our project was a real hit, huh?" She asked. "We work well together."

Seth smiled weakly. Their project _had_ been a hit, but Seth thought it had more to do with his angst over Ryan then their great team work. Seth had insisted on putting every morose shot of the dying lovers he could find into their media presentation, and purposefully lingered on the death scene, when reading his explanation. Their teacher had proclaimed it a "heartbreaking insight into the tale, with poignant emphasis on the tragic side". Ryan had left quickly at the end of class, without looking in Seth's direction.

Marcie didn't seem to notice Seth's lack of enthusiasm.

"So anyway, since we did such a great job, I was wondering if you'd help me with a little extra curricular project I'm working on. You see, it's the annual Harbour Luau, and Marissa Cooper has asked me to help her organise."

Seth tried to keep his face blank at the mention of Marissa.

"She told me to get anyone I wanted to help. And I picked you."

She said this as if she was offering him an all expenses paid trip to Disneyland.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Summer's lips twisting in distaste.

"Um, gee, wow. That's a really nice thought Marcie-"

"Great! Then we'll meet tomorrow during lunch on the quad. We can start discussing ideas, and I can show you what areas we're in charge of."

Seth blinked.

"Tomorrow?" he repeated. "Isn't the Luau two weeks away?"

"Sure is!" Marcie beamed her nice smile. "We have to get started." She leant up to kiss his cheek. She smelt of flowers and sunscreen. "See you Monday!"

Seth watched her slim form weave its way through the packed beach. When he turned to Summer her arms were crossed, and she was scowling.

"What?" he asked.

She hit him on the arm.

"Helping Marcie Bradshaw organise the annual Luau? If this is your way of moving on, it sucks."

Seth shrugged, kicking at the sand.

"You do realise that you're gonna have to spend a bunch of time with Marissa whilst conducting this little fiasco?"

Seth shrugged again, but didn't tell Summer what he was thinking.

Yeah, he would have to spend unwanted time with Marissa, but that meant that Marissa would have to spend time with him. Spending time with Marcie.

And a small, immature part of Seth wanted that to happen.

He wanted Marissa to see him spending time with Marcie. And he wanted her to tell Ryan just how well they were getting on together.

"It'll be good for me," he said instead. "Help take my mind off things. You know, get over it all.

Summer didn't look convinced.

"Just trust me on this, okay? I know what I'm doing."

Summer sighed reluctantly and nodded.

Seth grinned.

"Now, you were saying something about Paul Frank sale…"

* * *

Monday morning breaks with the usual clear skies and dazzling sun, but Ryan wishes fervently that, just for once, it could rain. A lot.

He stumbles out of bed and into the shower, then into the kitchen in search of coffee.

Seth is already sitting at the breakfast bar, and Ryan steels himself for the usual pretence that neither of them are in the same room.

To his surprise, however, Seth speaks.

"There's coffee in the pot."

Ryan gapes at him, but Seth doesn't look up, his head buried in the morning paper.

"Uh, thanks."

Ryan pours himself some coffee, than sits at the bar, reaching his hand into the cereal box and stuffing a handful into his mouth, chewing slowly.

"If you need a ride to school, Summer's picking me up in about ten."

Ryan can hardly believe his ears. Seth's speaking to him. Actually talking. After the last week of total silence, Ryan was beginning to think it may never happen again. Sure, Seth isn't looking at him, but one step at a time, right?

"That would be great, thanks."

Seth nods and stands up, and for a moment his eyes fasten on Ryan's, and Ryan feels any semblance of hope knocked straight from him, because Seth's eyes are cold, they're icy, and suddenly Ryan feels deflated.

Seth turns and walks from the room, and Ryan wonders if he should bike to school after all.

Summer stared openly at Ryan, not bothering to hide her distaste.

"What's _he_ doing here?" she hissed.

Seth shrugged, trying his hardest to look nonchalant.

"We're giving him a ride."

"We're _what_?"

"Giving. Him. A ride." Seth repeated slowly.

Summer glared at him and Seth shrugged.

"Trying to be civil.

Ryan came down the steps, and Seth could tell he was trying to pretend he hadn't noticed their little exchange.

"Thanks," he said hesitantly.

Summer gave him a cold smile.

"Just get in, Chino."

Seth climbed into the front and buckled his seatbelt as Summer started the engine. He reached forward to turn on the radio, but Summer slapped his hand aside.

"Oh no, you don't. I am not putting up with your excuse for music for another morning."

"If you make me listen to Atomic Kitten again, I may have to kill you," Seth warned.

In the mirror, he saw Ryan smile slightly, and pretended not to notice.

"Well if you make me listen to Death Cab one more time, I may have to kill myself."

"You like Death Cab!"

"Seth, they're a whole lot of guitar and one guy-"

"Whining. Yeah, yeah, I know." His face brightened slightly. "What about Rooney? Everyone loves Rooney."

Summer shrugged, and Seth took that as consent as he slipped the c.d. into the drive. It was true. No one could resist Rooney.

"The lead singer's hot," said Summer. "I saw him in that movie once, you know, about some princess or something?"

"The Princess Diaries," Ryan said from the back seat, then immediately blushed when two set of eyes stared at him incredulously.

"How do you know about The Princess Diaries, Chino?" she asked. "Or don't I want to know?"

Ryan shrugged, looking uncomfortable.

"Marissa likes it," he said.

Seth stared out of the window, drumming his fingers to the beat of Blueside, and trying his hardest not to look like a kicked puppy.

"Put Sorry Sorry on," Summer said, breaking the uncomfortable atmosphere. "I love that one."

Seth obediently flicked to the right track, and leant back, closing his eyes and letting the words wash over him.

_I'm sorry sorry for making your life a living hell._

Ryan coughed and Seth bit his lip.

When they reached the school, Seth was practically out of his seat before Summer had even parked, desperate to avoid any awkward confrontation with Ryan.

"Seth."

No such luck.

Seth stopped and waited for them to catch up with him, Summer looking distinctly annoyed.

Ryan was pulling something out of his back pack.

"This came for you in the mail. I forgot."

Seth took the white envelope. It was the same as the one he'd got on Saturday.

He felt his stomach clench, and quickly stuffed it into his jeans pocket, hoping his expression wasn't giving anything away.

"What is it?" Summer asked, frowning in concern. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" Seth said quickly, taking a step away from her. "I have to go to the bathroom. See you in class!"

He turned and ran, blindly, to the bathroom, ignoring the angry shouts and insults as he knocked people out of the way.

Once inside, he locked himself in a stall and pulled the envelope out with shaking hands.

_It's nothing_, he told himself firmly. _It's co-incidence. It's nothing._

He opened it.

Inside was a paper like the last one he'd received, pink letters cut crudely from magazines.

_Did you enjoy X2?_

Seth stared at the paper, the words blurring before his eyes, the little pictures of X-Men characters melding into a coloured blob, and he suddenly realised that his hands really were shaking, that he had to sit down.

He had been watching X-Men 2 last night, trying to convince himself that it really was a good movie. He had left the curtains open.

Someone was actually watching him.

He felt suddenly afraid. He could have passed the last one off as a joke, but this? He hadn't even told anyone what he was watching. Someone had come to the house. Someone had been close enough to his upstairs bedroom window to know exactly what DVD he was watching. Someone was watching him.

He took a deep, shuddering breath.

God, what was he supposed to do?

He couldn't tell anyone, could he? The only person he would have trusted this with was Ryan, and that was obviously impossible after this weekend. He couldn't tell his parents; they would probably freak, call the cops and put him on house arrest. He couldn't tell Summer. It was bad enough that she knew about Brad, but this too? Can you spell 'loser'?

No, Seth would just keep it to himself. He would just ignore it, and hope it would go away.

He ripped the note into tiny shreds, and then dropped into the trash can.

There. All gone. Nothing to worry about.

Nothing at all.

* * *

Despite the fact that they still weren't really speaking, Ryan kept an eye on Seth that day.

He had acted really weird about that letter, and although they were no longer dating, or friends, or family, or anything, Ryan couldn't lose the protective urge he felt toward Seth.

He had cared for him too long, and too deeply to stop now.

Seth was pale faced and snappy all day. He barely spoke to anyone, even yelling at Summer at one point, which resulted in her storming off and Seth staring moodily at everyone and everything who dared to come near him.

Ryan sat behind him and Marcie for lunch, and Seth's answers to her questions were all curt and uninterested.

In the end Marcie gave up and told him they could meet tomorrow instead (at this point, Ryan was extremely confused. Why was Marcie asking Seth to help her plan the Luau? Seth hated school dances. And wasn't that Marissa's job?), and Seth stomped across the quad back into school.

Ryan was about to get up and follow him, when Marissa slumped into the chair opposite, looking distinctly annoyed.

"Hey," he said, trying to see where Seth was going. "You okay?"

"No," Marissa said flatly. "The traditional Hawaiian band we had booked for the Luau has cancelled. There was a mix up in schedules, and they have to be in Europe. I mean, who honestly throws a Luau in Europe?"

She sighed and buried her head in her hands.

"This is going to be a disaster," she moaned.

Seth got lost behind a crowd of mathletes, and when they'd dispersed, he'd gone.

Ryan forced himself to concentrate on Marissa.

"Don't worry," he said. "You'll figure something out. You always do."

She nodded, looking tired.

"You're right. I'll just have to look at a local band. Thank God I'm not having to do all the work. At least I've got Marcie helping me out."

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"Marcie?"

"Yeah, she's helping me organise. I think she's got a few people to help her, sort of a sub committee, if you will."

Ryan tried to ignore the clench of jealousy in his stomach.

"She has," he said. "She's got Seth."

Marissa looked confused.

"Seth? As in Seth I-hate-school-dances Cohen?"

Ryan nodded, clenching his jaw.

"Oh." Marissa looked like she didn't know what to say. Ryan knew she wasn't completely oblivious to the tension between him and Seth, but she hadn't mentioned it to him. He sometimes wondered if she wasn't as clueless to his and Seth's situation as he'd assumed. Maybe she didn't ask because she didn't want to know the answer.

"Well, that'll be…interesting."

The warning bell rang, and they gathered up their things.

"Sit next to me in Western Civ?" Marissa asked.

Ryan nodded. It was one of the few classes they had together, so he didn't feel he could say no. Besides, they were supposed to be friends, weren't they?

They hadn't spoken since Friday night, and Ryan was thankful that Marissa hadn't mentioned the fact that, to all intents and purposes, they had actually slept together, or that Ryan had ditched her in the morning. He supposed she must be feeling as awkward about it as he was.

They took their seats, and Marissa shuffled hers a little closer to Ryan to share his book, as she'd forgotten hers. He tried to ignore the way their arms brushed distractingly, every time she leant over to turn a page.

After class Marissa stood, brushing her hair behind her ears and regarding him thoughtfully.

"Do you want to do something tonight?"

He though of Seth, and how that letter had freaked him out. Then he thought of Marcie, and them planning their little Luau together. Then he thought of Summer, and how he'd told her there was no chance.

"Yeah," he said. "Yeah I would."

Marissa smiled.

"Good let's do a movie and then fill up on junk food from McDonald's."

"Sounds perfect."

* * *

Seth came down for dinner that night, and immediately noticed that Ryan's place was empty.

"Where's Ryan?" he asked, getting some mountain dew from the fridge, and pouring the neon liquid into a glass.

"He's gone out with Marissa," Kirsten said, spooning Chinese onto plates. She smiled. "It's so nice to see them spending time together again."

Sandy nodded in agreement sitting at the table.

"So what's the hap son? Are they on or off?"

Seth shrugged.

"Don't say hap," he said distractedly.

"Come on," Sandy wheedled. "You must know something. It is it hot or not?"

"I don't know, alright?" Seth snapped.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Seth," his mother began hesitantly. "Are you and Ryan-"

"I have studying to do," Seth said, standing abruptly. "Can I take this upstairs?"

His eyes pleaded with his mother.

_Please don't make me talk about his right now. _

"Alright," Kirsten relented. "But if you want to-"

"Talk you're there. I know."

He started towards the door, plate in hand, but then stopped and looked back.

"Thanks," he said softly, before slipping out of the room and upstairs.

* * *

Kirsten and Sandy watch him go with a mixture of sadness and concern.

It's been so long since they've seen their son like this. They can only hope that he and Ryan can make up, and the sooner the better. For all of them.

Sandy sighs, and Kirsten hears everything she is feeling.

"By the way," he says. "I saw your father today."

"Oh dear. What did he say to you?"

"Nothing actually."

Kirsten raises her eyebrows in disbelief.

"He was actually acting quite strange. Kept looking around, as if he was trying to find someone. It was shifty, even for Caleb. I got the distinct impression that he was trying to get rid of me."

Kirsten frowns.

"Where did you say this was?"

"The Country Club."

The Country Club, laughable because it wasn't actually in the country, of course, but at the centre on Newport, stretching for miles across the cliff tops with golf courses, volleyball pitches, outdoor swimming pools; whatever Newport's finest desired.

"The Country Club he hates? He never goes there."

"That's what I said. Asked him if he was there for afternoon yoga practice."

Kirsten smiles, despite herself.

"And what did he say?"

"That he was meeting a client for golf. But honey, I gotta tell you, I was up on that golf course all afternoon, and he didn't put in an appearance."

"You think he's up to something?" she asks.

Sandy shrugs.

"When isn't he? Thankfully, it's not our problem."

He begins to tell her about a client who's suing a restaurant for making her leave her dog outside, where it was then run over by a car, but she's barely listening.

That was twice recently her father has been somewhere he shouldn't.

He was up to something, and she is determined to find out what.

* * *

Marissa smiled at Ryan as they stopped outside her front door.

"I had a nice time," she said. "Thanks."

He nodded.

"Me too."

They had had a nice time, to his surprise. The movie had been incredibly cheesy but still made Marissa cry, something Ryan had teased her about mercilessly afterwards when they went for burgers. It had felt good, just to relax with her, not to worry about how she would react, or what she was thinking.

"I guess it's pretty late," Marissa said.

Ryan's eyes flickered automatically towards the Cohen house. He wondered if Seth was still up.

"Yeah," he murmured.

"Well, goodnight."

They stared at each other for a moment, then she leant forward and kissed him softly on the cheek.

"Thanks," she whispered again, then ran up the steps and disappeared into the house.

Ryan made his way to the pool house, noting the lights in the main house were all dark. Everyone must have gone to bed.

He lay, fully clothed, on top of the covers and thought about how much Marissa had changed, and how it still didn't matter, because all he wanted was Seth.

Seth who, apparently, now wanted Marcie. Seth who hated Ryan.

God. What a stupid, fucking mess.

He sighed, suddenly feeling irritated with himself.

The sooner he stopped thinking about Seth, the better, it was over between them. Over. He needed to move on.

Marissa was there. She liked him. She was willing.

Filled with sudden resolve, he reached for his phone. Fuck it. What did it matter anymore, anyway? Why the hell not.

It rang twice before she picked up.

"Ryan?"

Ryan was already out of the pool house door and half away across the patio.

"Hey," he said, suddenly feeling breathless. Was he really about to do this? "There's something I need to tell you. Can I come over? It's-"

He stopped abruptly, mid sentence, as a light in the kitchen caught his eye, the large windows revealing Seth, half buried inside the refrigerator, searching for something.

"Ryan?"

He couldn't speak, watching Seth in his baggy pyjama pants, withdrawing from the fridge, a can of mountain dew in hand.

"Ryan? Are you there?"

Seth looked out of the window, and his eyes met Ryan's, as if a magnetic force had pulled them together.

Ryan couldn't breathe.

Seth turned away suddenly, walking hastily from the kitchen, and all Ryan wanted to do was follow him.

"I…it doesn't matter. I have to go."

He closed the phone, stared at it for a moment, then opened it again and turned it off altogether. In the pool house he took the other phone off the hook then lay back down on the bed.

What the hell was he doing? Had he really been about to go over there and do _that_ with Marissa? Was he really that fucking stupid?

He groaned and covered his face with his hands.

How the hell was he supposed to forget Seth when Seth was the only thing he ever saw, whether Seth was there or not?

* * *

Seth stares at Ryan out of the kitchen window.

The light of the cell phone is reflecting against his cheek, enabling Seth to see his eyes. Eyes which are staring straight at Seth.

The moment stretches on, and Seth doesn't want it to end. He doesn't want to face the reality that he and Ryan are through, that they just couldn't make it work, because something about them felt so damn right.

And he wants to remain like this forever, he wants to feel this connection forever.

The mountain dew slips slightly in his grasp, covered in condensation in the warm Californian night, and it jolts Seth, suddenly, like a slap in the face.

He turns away quickly, because at night everything seems so different, and standing there, staring at Ryan who's staring at him, he can almost see himself going to Ryan and kissing him and telling him he loves him.

Which definitely isn't what Ryan wants.

So Seth turns away and goes back upstairs and pretends that he never saw Ryan at all.

As if it's any easier that way.

* * *

tbc. 


	8. The Blower's Daughter

Disclaimer: I don't own the O.C. or any of its characters, blah blah blah

Warnings: It's still slash. That hasn't hanged. So if you still don't like it, still don't read it. It really is that simple.

A/ns An update within two months. That must be some kind of record for me. Thanks for all your reviews on chapter 7, yay. This is one of my fave chapters, despite the clichéd-ness of it all. What can I say? I love the cliché…

"_And so it is just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me. Most of the time…Can't take my eyes off of you." –Damien Rice_

It was to Seth's great surprise that he found he actually enjoyed planning the Luau with Marcie.

Despite being a blonde cheerleader, Marcie really was very nice, and, when she wasn't obsessing over Summer, they had some pretty interesting conversations.

It turned out her uncle worked for WETA workshop, and he'd been a part of the team that worked on Lord of the Rings, so she had a zillion and one stories to tell, and even admitted to watching the movies, though they were, of course, "geeky beyond belief".

Marcie was in charge of Lei Making and building and decorating an outdoor tent, and as the Luau would be taking place on the beach, they only needed a small canopy for refreshments and electrical equipment, but Marissa had insisted that it all be done traditionally, palm fronds, ti leaves, red ginger. The lot.

Seth found himself spending lunch hour after lunch hour poking a long needle through the centre of silk plumerias and then threading them onto strings of dental floss (Marissa had originally wanted fresh flowers, but the school couldn't afford to buy the leis already made, and the flowers wouldn't last until the dance).

There had to be at least one lei per student, and to then allow for damages, loss etc.

Seth was getting very sore fingers.

Things with Ryan were getting better.

They were speaking now, in that, polite, courteous I'm-trying-really-really-hard sort of way, but Seth wasn't sure if he preferred this or not. It hurt that they were both trying to forget it had ever happened, that they had ever been together.

Like it didn't matter.

He hadn't got anymore mysterious notes, which he was extremely glad about. He was definitely beginning to think it was all just some kind of joke. Of course no one had been watching him that night. It was co-incidence, that was all. Everyone knew he was a comic book geek. And nearly everyone knew that one of the only comic book films he could stand was X2. What was the likelihood of him not watching it?  
He reached for another vibrant pink flower, stabbing the needle through the centre and then slipping it into his string of dental floss.

It was Thursday.

He smiled. That meant Buffy reruns all evening. Oh good. Something to take his mind of Ryan.

Speaking of which, if he was really going to take his mind off Ryan, he should really stop thinking about him.

Hmm. From now on he wasn't even going to think Ryan's name. Ryan would be…that thing he didn't mention. And that included their whole relationship thing. That thing he didn't think/talk/sing (Sing? When did he ever sing?) about.

He pushed the last flower onto the floss with a triumphant smile.

There. Finished.

* * *

Ryan loved gym class.

It was the one place where he could just totally let go. He didn't have to worry about what to say, or what to wear, or how to behave.

Sports he knew. Sports were the same anywhere; Newport, Chino, Mars.

Still just sports.

He ran now, along the track, the blood pumping round his body, legs and arms working, forehead slick with sweat.

Running didn't involve thinking or talking or making wrong decisions. Running was just being.

He passed the coach and a group of cheerleaders at the start/finish, a brief blur, and began his final lap, spurring himself on, picking up the pace a little, determined to beat his previous time.

As he was rounding the final bend in the track, a flash of movement and a sudden shout on the far side of the field caught his eye, where they were playing mixed soccer.

The game seemed to have been abandoned; the boys were just kicking the ball around and the girls had disbanded into small groups, some even had their mobile phones out.

Ryan could clearly see Brad moving down the field, dribbling the ball expertly. He stopped, brought his foot back and kicked the ball hard, sending it flying towards the groups of people.

Right into Seth's head.

Forgetting the track, Ryan took off towards them, watching as Summer bent to help Seth, knocked to the ground by the force of the ball, then straighten up to yell at Brad.

Brad yelled something back and then reached out, shoving Summer hard.

Seth stepped forward with an angry shout, and Brad rounded on him, pulling him forward by his gym shirt, Summer crying at them to stop.

"Get the fuck off him!"

Ryan lunged forward, ripping Seth's shirt from Brad's grasp and pushing him out of the way, turning on Brad.

"Atwood!"

The coach's words barely registered, but then Seth's hand was on his arm pulling him away, and Seth's voice was in his ear "Ryan, stop."

He stopped, and let Seth pull him back, breathing heavily.

Brad grinned maliciously.

"That's right," he hissed. "Protect him like some little girl. He'll be needing it."

Ryan was reaching forward again before he could stop himself, just desperate to hurt Brad, anywhere, but Seth moved, quick as a flash, between them, hands on hips as he glared at Ryan.

"Don't," he said coldly. "Just don't."

Ryan stared at him, anger boiling over. Was Seth protecting that bastard?

"Atwood! My office, now!"

For a moment Ryan really considered throwing any semblance of caution or sanity to the proverbial wind and punching Brad anyway, but Seth's eyes were hard and unforgiving, and with a growl of rage Ryan turned and stalked off the field.

He glowered at the wall in Coach Willis's office while he waited, and wondered if he was about to get kicked out of school.

Maybe that was why Seth had stopped him. Maybe he wasn't trying to protect Brad. Maybe he was trying to protect Ryan.

The door slammed as the coach walked in, and he regarded Ryan from behind the desk, eyes unreadable.

"Care to tell me what that little display was all about?"

Ryan shrugged sullenly.

"You are treading on thin ice here, Atwood. One sniff of violence and you're out of here, do you understand me?"

He waited until Ryan nodded.

"Now, what was that about?"

Ryan sighed, feeling suddenly tired and annoyed.

"Brad went for Seth, I went for Brad," he replied.

"Well, at least you're blunt."

The coach leaned forward a little.

"Look Ryan, I know you're basically a good kid, so I'm not going to mention this to Dr. Kim."

Ryan let out the breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding.

"However, I'm afraid that this sort of behaviour just isn't acceptable in organised sports."

His eyes were very serious, and suddenly Ryan dreaded what would be said next.

"I'm going to have to let you off the soccer team."

He felt disappointment, thick and heavy, mixed with anger and hurt.

"What about Brad?" he asked.

"I will deal with Brad in due course," replied coach. He sighed suddenly. "I'm sorry about his, Ryan. You're a good player, and you work hard. But until you learn to control your temper, you're not someone I want on my team."

"So while I have to quit, Brad gets away with it?" he snapped, before he could stop himself.

"Just because I haven't gone to Dr. Kim yet doesn't mean I can't," coach said sharply.

Ryan felt his shoulders sag.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"Don't apologise. Show me you're sorry by improving your attitude. Stop picking fights. Cohen's a big boy. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need you to fight all his battles."

Ryan nodded silently.

"I mean it, Atwood. You show me you can resolve a conflict without using your fists? Then I will reconsider you for the team."

Ryan looked up, a sudden, fearful, thought occurring to him.

"Are you going to tell the Cohens?"

The coach watched him for a moment. Finally he shook, his head.

"I think I'll leave that little task to you. Bring your kit back tomorrow."

From his tone it was clear the discussion was over, and Ryan left, feeling dejected.

He liked soccer. When he had first come to Harbour, it had been the only thing that had made him feel like any of this was possible. Well, that and Seth.

Now he didn't have either.

* * *

"He got what?"

Summer looked annoyed.

"Kicked off the soccer team," she said for the fifth time. "He looked pretty bummed about it too."

"Crap," Seth said, sinking a little further onto the rec room couch. "Ryan loved that team." He sighed and buried his head in his hands. "I should go find him," he said suddenly. "I should go and see if he's okay. He might need me."

Beside him, Summer sighed.

"Seth, you can't do that."

"Of course I can," he replied. He looked at her for a moment. "Okay, why can't I do that?"

"Because, hello! Are you forgetting about everything that's happened in the past few weeks? Are you forgetting what Ryan did? Do I need to mention the word 'Marissa'?"

Seth frowned.

"But this is different. This is Ryan needing a friend. This hasn't got anything to with…that thing that happened that I am no longer mentioning."

"Please don't tell me you're that stupid. Okay, so say you do go and 'be his friend' right now. Then what? Pretend like nothing ever happened? That he didn't break your heart? That he's not now dating Marissa?"

"I-" Seth broke off, feeling miserable.

Summer was right, of course. He couldn't just pretend it all hadn't happened. It was either all or nothing.

"I wish I'd never kissed him in the first place," he said softly. "I wish I'd never liked him. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I like you or Marcie? Why do I have to be such a fucking freak?"

He suddenly realised he was shaking, and turned away from Summer, taking a few deep breaths, only to have his heart stop altogether.

Standing only a few paces away, his back to them, was Ryan.

And from the stiff set of his shoulders, Seth was guessing he'd heard everything.

Ryan forces himself to walk away, to keep breathing, although those are the last two things he feels like doing right now.

He wants to shout.

He wants to shout and scream and shake Seth, hard, and demand if that's really the truth, if he really thinks that liking Ryan makes him a freak.

But Ryan walks away and concentrates on breathing and realises that this time he's really, truly hit rock bottom.

"Shit!"

Summer started, following his gaze.

"What?" she asked. "What is it?"

"Ryan," Seth said, still staring at the empty doorway. "He heard that."

Summer sighed and closed her eyes.

God, give the boy a break.

"Maybe that's a good thing," she said.

Seth turned, eyes blazing.

"What? How in all of hell could that possibly be a good thing?"

"Now he knows the truth."

"But that wasn't the truth," Seth moaned. "I didn't really mean it."

"Well maybe it's better that he thinks you think that. I don't want to hurt you Seth, but at least this way he can move on. Which means that you can move on."

"Maybe I don't want to move on!" He made as if to stand, but she reached out and tugged his hand.

"Seth! Please just listen to me for a minute."

Seth sat back down.

"Ryan is with Marissa now. You need to get over it. You need to take Marcie out on a date. You need to get laid. You need to stop thinking about him."

"How do you know?" Seth asked, his voice sounding small. "How do you really know it's over?"

Oh God, Summer really hadn't wanted to tell him this.

"You remember on Saturday, when I said that I'd seen Ryan?"

Seth nodded.

"He told me. He told me that it was over between you, and that he didn't want to try again. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. Just…I guess I didn't want to have to hurt you."

Seth seemed to be absorbing her words. Finally he spoke.

"Then I guess you're right. It really is over."

"Are you okay?"

He looked at her, and she was surprised to find his eyes clear, calm.

"Yeah," he said. "Actually I am. I just need to be on my own for a little while."

Summer nodded and let him stand.

"Thanks, Summer."

She watched him walk away, and was surprised by the sudden tears that welled up in her throat.

It really was finished.

* * *

Thursday turns to Friday and Ryan takes Marissa out another date, and everything is nice and friendly, and he is relieved when she still doesn't try to kiss him at the end of the evening. Kirsten asks him if he had fun, and Sandy gives him a knowing look, and he feels guilty because he hasn't told them about getting kicked off the soccer team.

Seth is polite to him, and asks him if he had a nice time, and Ryan stares at him for a moment, trying to work out if he is joking, but Seth seems sincere, so Ryan shrugs and nods, and Seth makes a stupid joke and Sandy laughs.

And Ryan feels like he has stepped into the twilight zone.

* * *

Seth was getting seriously weirded out.

After spending all weekend lounging around the house in front of the Playstation, he had decided it was definitely time for him to get out and do something, so Sunday evening he was skating down on the pier, trying to relax and just go with it, but kept having the weirdest feeling.

Like he was being was being watched.

Which was ridiculous, because of course someone was watching him, the pier was packed, and he knew he was just being ultra paranoid, as in Mulder paranoid, but he just couldn't shake it.

He decided to go the IMAX.

They were showing his beloved shark movie (he really did like those hammer heads) and he sat, happily, for two hours, munching on popcorn, and when he came out it was getting dark, and he had forgotten all about weird feelings and prickly necks.

He dropped his board onto the sidewalk and set off, weaving down the quiet streets toward the centre of town, figuring it would be quicker than going back along the pier.

And that was when the weird feeling returned.

He stopped, aware that the hairs on the back of his neck had shot to attention, and very, very aware that he was alone, at night, with nothing but a skateboard.

He picked up the skateboard, lest he should need it for a weapon, and began to walk quickly, his footsteps making a flat echo against the sidewalk.

At first he didn't hear anything, then there was the unmistakeable sound of other footsteps behind him. He stopped and they stopped. He turned, but there was nothing there.

"Very funny," he muttered. It was probably just some kids having a laugh. Ha ha.

He quickened his pace, and the footsteps started again, faster this time. He sped up, and they came closer.

Taking a deep breath, he whirled around, but again there was nothing there.

"Yeah, real mature," he yelled. "If you want something, just come out and say it."

His shout was greeted with eerie silence.

And Seth was beginning to feel afraid.

He reached into his pocket, fumbling for a few moments before he found his cell phone, hurriedly punching in the numbers.

He waited; three, four, five rings.

"Cohen residence."

Ryan.

"Ah, it's me. Is mom or dad there?"

"They've gone out for dinner."

Seth swore.

"Is everything okay?"

"Um, not exactly."

"Where are you?" Ryan asked. "You've been gone for ages."

"Look I need you to come and get me," Seth said. "I can't explain, okay? I just need you to."

There was a pause on the end of the line.

"Where are you?"

"I'm, uh,-" He looked round wildly for a street sign. Where the hell was he? "Parker Avenue. It's about two blocks from the IMAX."

There was a bang, the sound of a trashcan being knocked over, behind him, and he jumped, whirling around.

"Seth? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he said shakily. "Just hurry."

He disconnected and slipped the phone back into his pocket, debating whether to stay where he was, or keep moving.

He began to walk again. He had gone about fifty paces when he heard the other set of footsteps. Blatantly disregarding any sort of horror film decree, he began running, his skateboard banging against his thigh, the footsteps behind him thumping on the asphalt as they followed, getting louder, closer because Seth wasn't a good runner at the best of times, let alone when he was being chased by some maniac.

There was the sound of an engine, close by, and Seth almost wept with relief when he recognised the Range Rover. He turned, but all he glimpsed of his tormentor was the briefest of shadows, barely even visible as it slipped into someone's front garden.

The Rover came around the corner the lights shining garishly in the dark street and Ryan pulled up alongside him.

Seth got in, fastening his seatbelt with slightly shaking fingers, his skateboard on his knees.

Ryan was looking at him.

"You okay?" he asked.

Seth nodded. "Let's just go home."

Ryan stared a second more, then put the car into reverse and backed into someone's drive to turn around.

They drove home in silence, and then Ryan stopped the car, turned off the engine and said softly "You look pale."

"I'm fine."

Ryan didn't look as though he believed him in the slightest.

"What happened?"

"It was nothing," Seth insisted, a slightly defensive note to his tone. "It was just some kids messing around, following me. I just freaked, okay? Can we drop it?"

"Fine," Ryan snapped, getting out of the car and slamming the door shut.

Seth closed his eyes and rested his head in his hands, then got up and followed Ryan into the house, which was dark and silent.

He made his way to the kitchen, and could see the lights on in the pool house, through the window, the blinds down.

He sighed and went upstairs, shuffling through the mess on his bedroom floor towards his bed, then stopping and going back to the desk, reaching into the back of one of the drawers for something.

He withdrew the note.

_Watching you._

But it couldn't be connected, could it? It was a joke. Co-incidence. Seth had already decided it was. It _had_ to be.

Because if it wasn't, someone seemed to be taking a very unhealthy interest in Seth Cohen.

* * *

Seth had shadows under his eyes the next morning, Ryan noticed, as they sat down for breakfast.

He didn't dare bring up what had happened least night, and as much as he wanted to express his concerns to Kirsten or Sandy, he knew that Seth hadn't told them about the soccer team, so he had no right to spill anything of Seth's.

He just wished Seth would talk to him. He wished they could be friends again, not this strained, awkward politeness that now lay between them.

He had almost forgotten Seth's words from Thursday, had decided that he was probably right anyway (well, maybe not about the freak thing), but about being normal, getting back to normal. That was why he had taken Marissa out on Friday, to try and be normal.

"You boys need a ride to school?" Sandy asked.

Seth nodded tiredly.

"Thanks dad. That would be great."

Sandy frowned.

"Are you okay, Seth? You look awful. You're not sick are you?"

For a moment Ryan could see the indecision in his eyes; stay home and play sick or go to school and face the music?

"I'm fine," he said eventually. "Just tired."

"Okay, well give me five minutes."

Seth nodded again, and Ryan watched him for a moment, then went to clean his teeth.

He was picking up his school bag when Marissa came in.

"Hey," she said brightly. "I was wondering if you needed a ride to school."

"That's okay," he replied. "Sandy's taking me."

"Well I'll take you instead. It makes more sense."

"But Seth-"

"We can take him too." She gave him a playful shove. "Come on, we don't want to be late."

He trailed behind her into the house.

_Normal_, He reminded himself fervently. _Marissa is normal_.

"It's okay, Sandy," Marissa said. "I can take Seth and Ryan to school. That way you don't have to detour."

Sandy grinned at her.

"You angel," he said. "Go on then. Get out of here."

At that moment Seth shuffled back into the kitchen.

Marissa stared at him. "Are you okay?" she asked. "You look awful."

"It gets better and better," Seth muttered.

"He's fine," Ryan said hastily. "Just tired. Let's go, shall we?"

He ushered them from the kitchen and Sandy's watchful gaze, towards the front door.

"You certainly seem eager for school this morning," Marissa commented with a smile. "Oh yeah, before I forget. Can you help me this lunchtime? We need some crates moving around for the Luau, and I thought that you'd be perfect for the job. And don't worry, you won't be alone. Seth will be there because he's helping Marcie fix the decorations, right Seth?"

"Right," Seth replied, shooting her a poisonous look as he got into the back of her car.

"Um, sure," Ryan said.

Marissa smiled.

"Perfect. This luau is going to be the best ever."

Ryan refrained from commenting, and listened to her chatter on about it all the way to school, then all the way to homeroom where he could finally escape. It was here he would usually share a wry glance with Seth, but Seth was in his new seat at the back, staring out of the window, a blank look in his eyes.

Ryan's first class went quickly, and he was on his way to biology when he realised he had forgotten his textbook.

Crap. That was the third time this month. His teacher was gonna kill him.

His eyes flickered to the bank of lockers on his left, to Seth's locker.

Although they were both taking biology, they had it at different times, so Seth's textbook would, in all likelihood, be in his locker. And Ryan knew the combination.

Trying to look innocent, Ryan sauntered over to it.

As long as he put the book back, Seth need never know. He wouldn't have hesitated to take it in the past, but with things being the way they were now…

He carefully spun the dial to the right numbers, listening for the little _click_. He opened the door and hunted through it, noting that Seth seemed to have an abundant stash of Legions and Hellblazers inside, when he found it buried under an issue of The Swamp Thing. Perfect.

He yanked the book out and closed the door, then set off down the hall towards his class, trying not to look too guilty as he clutched the stolen book under his arm.

Seth, he soon discovered, had taken to writing little notes in his textbooks, only not, as one might have suspected, about the actual subject, but about whatever seemed to be going through his mind.

_Batman vs Superman _was on a page about the digestive tract, complete with a little list of pros and cons for each.

Ryan was rather amused by his list of 'Summerisms' under blood clots (assface, rage blackouts, ew) and the small cartoon drawing of her mid rage blackout next to it.

As the teacher called their attention to page 88 (white blood cell counts) Ryan bit his lip, staring in sadness at the list on this page.

_Rainy Day Songs for Ryan._

Next to each song was a short explanation as to exactly why Ryan should listen to the song.

_Rainy Day Songs for Ryan._

He remembered that c.d. He listened to it all the time.

_Rainy Day Songs for Ryan._

"Ryan?"

He looked up, eyes wide, aware that the teacher was speaking to him and having no idea what she had just said.

She pursed her lips in annoyance.

"Pay attention Ryan. Claire, do you know the answer?"

Ryan stared at the page again, then forced himself to concentrate on the text, to listen, to think about white blood cells, not rainy day songs.

There was one song in particular that Ryan especially liked, Damian something or other?

He couldn't remember the title, but there were a few lines that always got to Ryan.

_Can't take my eyes off of you._

_We'll both forget the breeze, most of the time._

He sighed and shook his head.

_Concentrate on the lesson._

He read fiercely for the remainder of the hour, keeping his head down, concentrating hard on the diagrams in front of him.

But he couldn't stop lines from that song creeping into his mind.

_Can't take my mind off of you_

He had a free period third, and sat clutching a cup of iced coffee in one hand, his physics textbook in the other, pretending to study while the words to that song went round and round in his head.

_Can't take my mind off of you_.

By the time he had to go and help Marissa in the gym, he was a complete wreck, and didn't know whether to run away from Seth or to tell him he couldn't keep his mind off him.

He did neither, however, as he entered the gym doors and saw Seth standing very close to Marcie, her hand on his arm, their heads so close their hair brushed.

Seth said something and Marcie laughed, shaking her perfect blonde head. She gave Seth's arm a little squeeze, then stood on tiptoe to whisper something in his ear.

Seth grinned at her, and her hand trailed across his shoulder.

"Ryan!"

As Marissa called Ryan's name, Seth's head whipped around towards him, and for a moment they just stared at each other.

Finally, Seth tore his eyes away, back to Marcie, and Ryan watched as she said something to him and he nodded in agreement.

It may have been his imagination, but Ryan thought Seth's smile seemed a little more strained.

He sighed as Marissa dragged him off to shift some boxes, his gaze still on Seth.

_Can't take my eyes off of you._

* * *

Seth tried studiously to ignore Ryan, yet was unable to help himself stealing little glances of the way Ryan's arms looked when he was carrying those boxes back and forth across the gym.

Seth had finished the leis now, and was drawing up designs of the decoration tent with a half heartedness that definitely showed, but he just couldn't bring himself to feel any real enthusiasm.

This whole Luau was a farce.

He didn't want to go. He didn't want to be a part of it. He didn't even _like_ Hawaii.

"Hey."

He started at the voice, so close to him, and turned to find Ryan standing behind him, eyes fixed on Seth's drawings.

Seth swallowed then coughed.

"Um, hey. How's it going with the boxes?"

"Not so good." Ryan was avoiding Seth's eyes. "You, uh, need help?"

Seth let out his breath in a sudden gust of air.

"_Yes_. I can't work out what the hell this structure is doing. If I put the pole here it means there's nothing supporting that one, but if I move it along to here, then that leaves pole number two wide open." Seth sighed as he stared at the drawing. Architecture was _so_ not his thing.

Ryan frowned at the drawing for a few moments, then silently took the pencil and bent over the paper, leaning around Seth to get to it.

Seth held his breath, trying to calm the jitters in his stomach that were the direct result of Ryan being suddenly so close after so long.

Ryan's hand moved across the paper, sure and easy, and Seth followed the arc with his eyes, watching, transfixed, as Ryan carefully drew calculated lines across the tent structure.

"There," he said softly. "Now that one can act as a central pillar. It holds everything up."

Seth couldn't say anything, and when Ryan turned to look at him, their faces were only inches apart.

"Ryan," he breathed, unsure what he was about to say, or if he was even supposed to be saying it.

"Ryan!"

At the sound of Marissa's voice Ryan jerked away, quickly turning his face to the side, and Seth closed his eyes, savouring the few seconds of warmth.

"I need these crates taken to the drama block."

Ryan nodded, and Seth saw the way one of his hands clenched into a tight fist. He stared at the floor.

"I gotta…" He gestured to Marissa, and Seth turned hurriedly back to his paper.

"Thanks for your help," he said stiffly.

"Anytime."

Afterwards, Seth wasn't entirely sure if it was real, but he could have sworn he felt Ryan's finger tips ghosting across the back of his hand.

_

* * *

Thank God lunch hour is nearly over, Seth thinks as he puts the finishing touches to his sketch. He isn't sure how much more he can take of the dance committee. They're reminding him rather strongly of the Newpsies._

"How's it going?"

Seth forces himself to smile at Marcie as she sits next to him.

Behind her, he can see Ryan and Marissa. She's hitting him lightly on the arm as he attempts to balance too many boxes. He laughs and tries to hit her back, losing his grip on the boxes. They tumble to the floor and the precious leis Seth has wasted too many hours making spill across the gym floor.

"Ryan!" Marissa cries, but she's shaking her head and laughing.

"Seth?"

He snaps his head round, forcing his eyes away from Ryan, forcing himself to focus on Marcie.

She's smiling, looking slightly unsure of herself.

"Did you hear what I said?"

"I uh, of course. You were talking about the dance."

She bites her lip.

"Seth, I was asking you if you wanted to go on a date."

Seth stares at her.

One of the most popular, beautiful cheerleaders in school is asking him on a date and all he can think about is the way Ryan smiles without moving his lips.

"Yes," he hears himself saying, without even realising it.

Marcie's face lights up, her nice smile blossoming across her lips.

"Tonight, then?" she asks. "We can go to the movies?"

Seth nods, wondering what the hell he's doing. He doesn't want to go out with Marcie.

Over her shoulder, Ryan and Marissa have finished picking up the leis and Marissa is saying something and Ryan is smiling without moving his lips.

"Okay," he says. "Tonight."

"I'll pick you up at eight."

Seth nods again and the bell rings. He is aware of Marcie kissing him quickly on the cheek, but doesn't feel it. He leaves the gym, and is wandering slowly towards his locker when he encounters Ryan in the corridor. Ryan is holding Seth's biology textbook and looking distinctly awkward.

"I borrowed this from your locker," Ryan says, looking at Seth's right ear. "I forgot mine. Sorry."

And Seth wants everything back to how it was, when sneaking each other's books out of their lockers wasn't a big deal, because they knew without asking that it would always be okay.

He shrugs and tries to look nonchalant.

"No problem."

He takes the book from Ryan, and is pleased when Ryan doesn't immediately run in the other direction, but follows Seth to his locker.

"So what's up with the Luau?" Seth asks, for want of anything better to say.

Ryan shrugs.

"It's crazy, isn't it? I'm not even sure I like Hawaii all that much."

Ryan doesn't respond, but Seth thinks he detects a slight smile. He spins his locker combination as he talks.

"At least we have the weather for it, I guess. What with the sunshine and the blue skies and distinct lack of-"

He breaks off, mid sentence, because he has finally got his locker open, and the well lit hallway reveals to him exactly what is in there.

"Seth?" Ryan asks.

Seth doesn't reply, doesn't even dare to move.

Sitting in his locker is a scorpion.

And it doesn't exactly look happy about it.

"Seth? What's…" Ryan's voice trails off as he leans over Seth's shoulder and sees exactly why Seth has stopped breathing.

"Don't move."

The words are right in Seth's ear, and he is vaguely aware that Ryan's body is pressed up against his back. He wishes he could enjoy it a little more.

Ryan is reaching very slowly around him, reaching for Seth's locker door. His fingers press into the metal, and the scorpion must be able to sense the vibrations, because it raises its tail threateningly.

Seth feels the beginning of panic bubbling inside of his throat, and Ryan grips his left hand, squeezing it tight.

For a moment Seth feels strange, light headed, the only sensation in the world his hand in Ryan's, their fingers pressed together, Ryan's wrist against his own, the pulse beating strongly beneath the skin.

"Woah, dude! There's a scorpion in that guy's locker!"

The announcement turns the hall into pandemonium. There is sudden screaming, the rush of feet, and Ryan is yanking him out the way, not breaking the contact of their hands, as the scorpion scuttles forward. Ryan leaps backward, slamming the door with his other hand, and Seth feels the force of that slam all the way up his left arm.

Ryan lets go, cradling his right hand against his chest, and the panic bubble inside Seth's throat bursts.

"Ryan? Ryan are you okay? Did it sting you? Oh God, Ryan?"

He is holding Ryan, crushing him against him with no regard to those around them. If Ryan is about to die, he wants him to know how he feels.

"Seth," Ryan gasps against his shoulder. "I'm okay."

It takes a moment for the words to register, and then Seth pulls back.

"What?"

"I just caught my hand in the locker when I slammed the door. It didn't sting me."

Seth stares at him for a moment, then pulls him close again, and he feels Ryan's hands on his back.

"Thank God," he whispers, and he knows suddenly, in that instant, that he can't keep pretending anymore, that he can't keep lying about the way he feels.

"Ryan," he says, and it's almost like the first time he's ever said the name, it feels so full and right on his tongue. "Ryan, I have to-"

"Seth, oh my God!"

Seth is pulled backwards, and suddenly finds himself with an armful of cheerleader, Marcie's silky blonde hair getting in his mouth.

"I heard you were attacked by a scorpion. Are you okay?"

She looks up at him, and her blue eyes are shiny with tears.

"I'm, uh, fine. Ryan trapped it in my locker."

"I was so worried!"

Seth ponders how she could have possibly got so worried in the whole five seconds she's known about it.

He looks over her shoulder at Ryan, searching his eyes for any trace of the connection they had shared only seconds before.

Ryan is staring at him intently, and Seth feels his stomach do a little flip flop.

"You know what we're going to do?" Marcie is saying. "We're gonna go on that date. We're going to go to the movies tonight, like we planned, and take your mind off things. How could a scorpion get into your locker?"

Seth doesn't reply. He's still staring at Ryan, praying, somehow, that he didn't just hear Marcie's little speech.

But Ryan's eyes are sad and he smiles regretfully at Seth, and Seth feels his heart sink.

"Seth, are you okay?"

Marissa's voice is quiet, her eyes concerned as she stands at Ryan's side.

"He's fine," Marcie says. "He's fine."

Marissa looks at Ryan.

"We should get Dr. Kim."

Ryan nods, his eyes still on Seth, and Seth doesn't think he can bear that wounded look a second longer.

Marissa tugs on his arm, and Ryan follows her silently down the corridor. Seth watches them go, Marcie still in his arms.

* * *

Ryan lay on his bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling. It had become something of a pastime for him of late.

He blew out a tired sigh, stirring the bangs on his forehead.

He missed Seth.

The constant ache he'd felt over the last few weeks had reached its pinnacle today. When he thought of that scorpion, of how close it had been to hurting Seth…

And then the look in Seth's eyes afterwards. They way he'd spoken.

"_Ryan, I have to-"_

Have to what? It was tormenting him, that unspoken sentence. Have to what?

They'd sat for over an hour in Dr. Kim's office while she questioned them endlessly about who could have put the scorpion in Seth's locker, who might have a grudge against him, who would want to hurt him?

It didn't escape Ryan's attention that Seth didn't mention that someone had followed him home the night before. He hadn't said anything though, as Seth still hadn't told about the soccer team, and Ryan had a feeling Seth would talk when he was ready.

Sandy and Kirsten had arrived, and Kirsten pulled Seth into a tight hug, before turning and doing the same to Ryan.

Ryan had closed his eyes and breathed in her familiar perfume and wished she could make it all okay.

When they met Marcie in the hall she had blinked her big blue eyes at them all and asked if she could still take Seth out that night.

Kirsten had agreed instantly, despite it being a school night.

Ryan had watched them leave half an hour before

He turned over, suddenly restless.

Is this what Seth had felt like, he wondered, those nights he'd taken Marissa out?

Did Seth even care he'd taken Marissa out?

Seth cared. At least Ryan was pretty sure Seth cared. Something had changed that day, standing so close in the hallway, something had changed in Seth's eyes. He'd seen it. He just wasn't sure what, exactly, he was supposed to do about it.

The phone rang and he squinted at it through the darkness. It must be Marissa. She was the only one who ever called him anymore.

"Hello?"

"Chino."

He blinked and sat up, switching on the light.

"Summer?"

"Listen, I don't have long."

Ryan blinked again. _Summer?_

"Despite my best intentions to stay out of your whole sorry mess, I can't. I know I told Seth to stay away from you for fear of getting his heart broken again-"

"You what?"

"-but I've come to the conclusion that none of it really matters anyway. You two are made for each other. And Cohen's moping? Reeeeally annoying."

Ryan wasn't sure exactly what he was supposed to be saying.

"Well?" Summer snapped. "What are you waiting for? Get over to that movie theatre and tell him you love him, you complete idiot."

"Summer, I have no idea-"

"This is the final frontier asshat!"

Did she just call him asshat?

"If you don't go now, it'll be too late. They're on a date, Ryan. A date! After this, you can guarantee that Marcie will not let him go. And when she finally does, it'll be too late. So go there and tell him how you feel. Please. For all our sanity."

There was a gentle tap on the door, and Ryan could see Marissa's figure through the glass.

"Summer, I have to go."

"Oh no! Don't you dare hang up on me you-"

Ryan winced slightly as he put the phone down, then left it off the hook in case she tried to call again.

"Hey." Marissa looked amused. "Who was that?"

"Summer."

"Oh. How is she?"

She was desperately trying to be casual, but Ryan could see the flicker of sadness in her eyes when she asked. He wondered exactly what had happened between the two of them, to push them so far apart.

"You know. Summer."

They smiled uncomfortably, then Marissa sat down at the foot of the bed, picking up a Playstation controller.

"Teach me how to play Halo?"

Ryan though about what Summer had said.

_If you don't go now, it'll be too late._

He sighed and reached for the other controller.

* * *

Seth tried not to groan as Marcie announced her movie choice, but something must have escaped, because she turned to look at him in concern.

"Are you okay?"

He forced a smile.

"Fine, fine. No problem here."

Marcie smiled brightly, and Seth dug twenty dollars out of his wallet to pay for the tickets.

"I just love Ben Affleck," Marcie said as they made their way into the foyer.

"_I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school_," he sung under his breath. "Let's get popcorn," he added, louder, and she beamed at him.

He steered her in the direction of the confectionary stand, and physically winced when he saw the prices

He'd forgotten how much dating cost. And no doubt Marcie would want popcorn _and_ milk duds _and_ soda, and of course she wouldn't want to share any of it, because girls were weird about stuff like that. Summer called it being independent. Seth called it being greedy.

Now if Ryan were here it wouldn't be a problem, because Ryan would have paid for his own ticket, and all Ryan would want were the milk duds, which he would be more than happy to share with Seth, and then they would have one of those really clichéd moments where they both reached into the packet at the same time and…and he really shouldn't be thinking about Ryan right now.

He had made his decision. He'd chosen Marcie. He shouldn't be thinking about Ryan and milk duds and hands meeting in the dark.

He shouldn't be thinking about the way Ryan had looked at him back in that hallway, or about exactly what he'd been about to say to Ryan.

"_Ryan, I have to-"_

"Seth!"

"Yes? No! Um, maybe?"

Marcie was staring at him, half in amusement half in annoyance.

"Where are you this evening? I've chosen. Do you want anything?"

Seth looked down at the counter and eyed Marcie's selection.

Popcorn, milk duds and soda.

He sighed.

"I'll just take some milk duds."

Looked like the only thing his hand was going to be meeting was other milk duds.

* * *

Marissa laughed, breathless, as she collapsed onto the bed.

"_That_ was awesome."

Ryan smiled as he stood up.

"Yeah, the ninja game is Seth's favourite."

If she noticed the way his smile dipped when he said Seth's name, she didn't show it.

She stretched, closing her eyes.

"You tired?"

She nodded, then opened her eyes again, and patted the bed beside her.

"Come sit."

He sat beside her and tried not to stiffen as she laid her head in his lap.

"This is nice," she murmured.

Ryan said nothing.

Marissa raised her eyes to his face, then slowly sat up, leaning towards him.

"What are you doing?"

She smiled.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm tired of tiptoeing around each other, Ryan. I still love you, I know you still love me. How could you not, after the way you've stood by me these last few weeks? After all the fun we've had, all the time we've spent together?"

She reached a hand to his face, gently trailing her fingers across his cheek.

"It's okay to want each other, to _need_ each other."

She knelt up, suddenly their faces very close.

"I _need_ you, Ryan," she whispered. "_I need you_."

She took his face in her hands, and he let her kiss him.

* * *

Seth shifted in the dark, trying not to sigh too loudly.

This was the dumbest movie he had ever seen. He didn't even know what it was about. He kept getting distracted by the size of Ben Affleck's forehead. Or was it his chin? He couldn't decide which was bigger.

"_I can't do this anymore!" _the on screen heroine gasped unconvincingly.

"_We have to try,"_ Affleck The Forehead/Chin Hybrid replied, grasping her hand tightly. _"I don't want to live without you. I can't live without you."_

Seth willed himself not to gag.

He tried distracting himself with listing the many flaws of the Star Wars prequels, but The Forehead's dialogue kept distracting him with its sheer lack of passion.

"_We have to be together. We were born to be together."_

Beside him, Marcie let out a delicate sob. Seth wished they were watching Casablanca. Or Moulin Rouge.

He was beginning to wonder if he had a bit of an obsession with Moulin Rouge. Ryan always said he thought that Seth empathised with the can can dancers, and that was why he liked them so much. Seth wasn't sure exactly _what_ he was supposed to be empathising with them about, but whenever he asked Ryan this, Ryan would just smile a little knowing smile, and when Ryan-

Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.

_Stop it._

"_Just hold me," _the heroine begged_. "Just one last time."_

The Forehead took her in his arm and kissed her passionately.

Seth wondered idly how come the bright red lipstick managed to stay on her lips.

The heroine stepped back, tears in her eyes, and raised her hand in a farewell wave, then took another step back. Over the edge of the cliff.

Several audience members gasped and Seth rolled his eyes. She'd been threatening to do it for at least ten minutes.

The camera stayed on The Forehead's face as she fell, and Seth watched as he winced unconvincingly at the sound of her body hitting the rocks below.

He squirmed in his seat, trying to find a more comfortable position, ignoring Marcie's snuffling snobs.

He leant towards her.

"I'll be right back."

He left to the sound of The Forehead's surprisingly were-like howl of grief.

Marissa's lips were soft and full and a little sticky from the lips gloss she was wearing. Her body felt wrong under his hands. It was all sharp and angles; he could feel her hip bones pressing into him as she pushed him back onto the bed. But at the same time it was soft, round, and there were curves in places he'd almost grown used to not feeling curves.

She pressed against him, kissing him more deeply, and an image of Seth flashed into his mind; Seth lying bruised and broken on a balcony, listening to Ryan promise that he doesn't want Marissa. That he wants Seth.

_Seth._

"Seth!"

He sat up, pushing Marissa off him, and she stared at him.

"Did you just say Seth? While we were…making out?"

Ryan stared back at her.

"I have to go."

"What?"  
"I have to go," he repeated, standing up and yanking back on the shirt that had somehow managed to come off.

Marissa looked flustered, fastening her own shirt buttons, and Ryan searched around for his shoes.

"Ryan? What's going on?"

"I have to go and find Seth."

He located his shoes and struggled with the knots in one of the laces.

"Why? Is he in trouble?"

Ryan stopped suddenly, staring at her, and wondered how she could really be so clueless.

"Ryan?"

He pulled on his shoe, squeezing his foot past the knots.

"Marissa." He turned to look at her, hating himself for what he was about to do, but knowing that, for once, he was actually doing the right thing.

"I'm sorry. I don't love you. I haven't loved you for a very long time. I love Seth. I want to be with Seth. I would be with Seth if I didn't keep screwing things up. And now I have to go and tell him, before it's too late."

He was almost out of the door when he stopped, turning to look back at her.

She was still sitting on the bed, frozen, staring at him in disbelief.

"I really am sorry," he said softly, then he finally walked away.

Marissa watches him leave, and eventually the blinding pain of his rejection dulls to a throbbing anger.

She longs for a drink, but she knows now it's more important than ever to have a clear head.

Because she's going to win Ryan back.

No matter the cost.

Seth is sitting on the ledge behind a large cardboard cut out of Johnny Depp in a black top hat and red velvet coat, rolling his remaining milk duds around in his palm. By now they are just a sticky mess, and the chocolate has melted into his skin.

He knows he should go back inside.

But he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to sit and listen to Marcie cry while he is forced to watch Ben Affleck not-act.

He closes his eyes, letting his head rest against the wall for a moment.

When he opens them again, Ryan is standing in the foyer.

He blinks, several times, just to make sure he isn't dreaming, then drops his milk dud box on the floor and stands, wiping his sticky hand on his pant leg.

He steps out from behind the cardboard cut out, and Ryan's head whips in his direction.

Seth swallows nervously, then takes a few steps towards him.

Someone's hurt, he knows it. Why else would Ryan be here?

Oh God, please don't let it be his mom. Please let his parents be safe. And Summer. Please don't let them be hurt.

"Ryan?"

Seth goes closer, and sees that Ryan is nervous, his eyes are flitting about, and he is clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Is everything okay? Is anyone hurt? What happened?"

"Everyone's fine."

"Mom, Dad?"

Ryan nods.

"They're fine. Everyone's fine."

Seth doesn't understand.

"Then…what are you doing here?"

Ryan, who has, up to this point, been avoiding his eyes, looks at him suddenly, and Seth is startled by how blue his eyes seem. How long has it been since he last, really, looked into Ryan's eyes?

"I need to know what you were going to say earlier. In the hallway."

Seth stares at him blankly, wondering what the hell he is talking about.

"I…what?"

"Today, in the hallway. You said you had to…and then we were interrupted."

Ryan is focused solely on Seth, his eyes so intense Seth feels as if they could burn him.

"I…Ryan, I just, I, um, was going to say I had to…uh…thank you…for, you know, saving me from certain scorpion doom. That's all."

Ryan's mouth goes sort of slack for a moment, and his eyes dip to the ground.

"Um…" Seth is suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. "I gotta go. Back to the, um, movie. I…yeh…"

He gestures lamely with one hand, then turns towards the theatre door, taking a step away from Ryan, but then Ryan's hand is wrapped around his arm, and he has a determined look in his eyes.

"Ryan!"

"I need to talk to you."

Ryan pulls him behind the Johnny Depp cut out, and Seth is very aware that they are standing in rather close proximity.

"Ryan, I-"

"Sh. Just, for a minute, please be quiet."

Seth gapes at him.

"Look, what I'm doing right now is totally crazy, I know, but I think I'm going insane anyway, so it probably won't make a difference."

Ryan is sounding suspiciously like him.

"Seth, I…"

"What?" he whispers.

Ryan doesn't say anything. He leans forward, closes his eyes and kisses him.

Seth remembers this.

He remembers Ryan, that Ryan is soft, his lips, his hair, his skin, _everything._ He remembers the way Ryan bites gently at his lower lip, and the little moan it elicits from his own lips. He remembers Ryan's hands on his back, burning his skin through his shirt, and he remembers his own hands, tangled in that hair, and he _remembers_ Ryan.

"I love you," Ryan is whispering against his lips, and it all makes perfect sense. Because of course Ryan loves him, and of course he loves Ryan, and Seth can't quite believe they are finally confessing their love in the foyer of the movie theatre.

"This is so fucked up," Seth mutters.

"This is Newport Beach," Ryan counters

Seth smiles and shakes his head. Then he leans down to kiss Ryan again, savouring his warmth.

"Hey!"

They break apart at the voice, flushing, and a girl glares at them for a moment, before looking surprised and blushing.

"Uh…" She pulls at the edge of her polyester uniform and avoids their eyes. "You, um, can't stand behind here."

Seth glances at Ryan, and is surprised to see the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"We were just leaving," Seth says, pulling Ryan gently by the hand out into the foyer.

Ryan squeezes once, then lets go and nods in the direction of one of the screens.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

Seth feels giddy and silly and like its Chrismukkah. What could he have possibly forgotten?

"Marcie?" Ryan prompts.

Oh. Her.

"I guess we can't just go off and leave her…"

Ryan gives him a stern look, and Seth sighs and wanders toward the screen, but can't help but glance back at Ryan over his shoulder.

Ryan is watching him with a slight smile, and Seth feels a bit dazed.

This is really happening.

Marcie has stopped crying when he gets back inside, but she looks annoyed and agitated.

"Where have you been?" she hisses.

He shrugs.

"Bathroom? Look Marcie, I hate to do this to you, but, uh, something's come up and I have to go."

Her eyes turn from suspicious to angry in about a nano second.

"Don't you dare ditch me on our first date together!"

Seth swallows.

"Um, yeah, about that? I'm not really sure I'm looking for anything at this particular moment in time. I mean, you're a great girl, but I'm just not…I mean I don't really want to, uh, well…"

"Just spit it out Seth."

"I don't want to do this. Right now. With, uh, you."

Marcie's lips press tightly together, and she looks so unlike the girl who picked him up an hour before he is taken aback. Her eyes darken, and for a second he worries she will go mental and try to hit him.

"Fine," she snaps. She turns angrily back to the screen. "Like you're good enough for me, anyway. Queer."

That hurts, and Seth can't deny it.

He stares at her, open mouthed, for a moment.

"Marcie-"

"Hey buddy, can you keep it down? Trying to watch the movie here!"

Seth nods, feeling suddenly bereft, because he may be in love with Ryan, but Marcie was turning out to be a pretty good friend.

"Ok," he says softly. "I'm just gonna go now."

Marcie doesn't show any indication of having heard him, and he stands up and walks quickly toward the theatre doors.

Ryan's eyes snap onto him as he comes out, and he can see a trace of worry in them, in the slight tension of Ryan's mouth.

"You okay?" Ryan asks.

Seth nods and stands close.

"Give me a ride home?"

Ryan smiles, and the tension disappears.

* * *

As they got back to the pool house, Ryan could think of only one thing that he really wanted to do, which didn't exactly involve many clothes, but knew that they should really be talking about some stuff, as much as he loathed to talk.

So it was with great reluctance that he sat down on the couch, a rather respectable distance from where Seth was on the bed.

He saw a flash of insecurity in Seth's eyes.

"I think we should talk."

Seth nodded.

"Okay. About what?"

Ryan sighed.

"For starters, that scorpion in your locker. And whether it may or may not be linked to whoever was following you home the other night."

Now it was Seth's turn to sigh.

"Way to ruin a really good moment, Ryan."

Ryan cast his eyes down at the carpet a moment, then looked determinedly back at Seth.

"Seth. If we are going to…make this work, we have to be able to trust each other."

"I do trust you."

Seth got up off the bed and walked to the couch, dropping ungracefully onto his knees in front of Ryan.

"And I will tell you everything. But right now…" He reached for one of Ryan's hands, entwining the fingers. "Right now all I care about is this."

Ryan closed his eyes and pulled Seth to him, holding him in a way he couldn't exactly do in the movie theatre.

It seemed his Seth Touching Compulsion was back in full force, not that Seth really seemed to mind, and he was unable to stop his hands dipping under Seth's shirt, skimming over the smooth skin.

Seth groaned slightly and shifted against him, and Ryan gripped him a little tighter.

"Are we gonna do this?" Seth gasped. "Because let me tell you, it feels like we've been waiting a reeeally long time."

Ryan didn't reply, his lips attached to Seth's collarbone, Seth's hands gripping his shoulders tightly.

Seth never made it back to his room that night, and he woke to find himself sprawled in Ryan's bed, Ryan's arm wrapped protectively around him, the sheet tangled somewhere round their midsections.

He didn't move, letting his mind wander lazily over their current positions and flashes of the night before, enjoying Ryan's warmth at his back.

Ryan stirred, his arm tightening around Seth's chest for a moment before relaxing, and Seth felt him roll onto his back.

"Morning," he murmured, around a yawn.

Seth turned over, unable to keep back his smile.

"Morning."

Ryan stared at him for a moment, then leant in to give him a sudden, firm kiss.

"Your hair's crazy," he said, then kissed him again, deeper this time.

Seth was sure he must taste terrible, but Ryan didn't seem to mind.

They were just beginning to engage in some rather pleasant activity, when Ryan sighed and rolled off Seth, who whined unashamedly at the loss.

"I have to get to school. And you have to go upstairs before your parents realise you never came back last night."

Seth groaned, burying his face in the pillow.

"Why do you have to go so early?"

Ryan didn't reply right away, and Seth looked up, suddenly feeling anxious.

"I told Marissa I'd help her get some more stuff ready for Friday night," he said carefully.

Seth nodded and said nothing, trying very hard to keep his face blank.

"We should talk about it."

"Talk about what?"

"Seth."

Seth sighed and picked distractedly at the sheet.

"I'm sorry," he said finally. "I just can't help it. Every time I think of her, I just feel so…inadequate."

Ryan was quiet for a very long moment.

"I told her about us," he said finally.

Seth gaped at him.

"You…what?"

"I told her," Ryan repeated. "I had to."

"And how did she, um, take it?"

Ryan looked sheepish.

"I didn't exactly stick around to find out."

"Ah."

They sat in silence for a few moments, Ryan's fingers running lazily over the back of Seth's hand

"I will get this right," Seth promised.

"We both will."

"No, I mean this thing with Marissa. I will learn to stop being jealous and to accept her as a friend. I can do this."

Ryan sighed guiltily.

"I haven't exactly been helping matters there."

"It's not your fault."

"It's not yours either."

Seth nodded.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about the soccer team."

Ryan squeezed his hand.

"I'm sorry I almost hit Brad again."

"I didn't stop you to protect him, you know. I was trying to protect you."  
"I know."

Seth fell silent, chewing his lips guiltily.

"That day," he began hesitantly. "That you got cut from the team? What I said, in the lounge? Ryan, I didn't-"

"It's okay."

Seth shook his head.

"No, it's not. It was totally, completely off the mark, and I swear I didn't mean any of it. I was just frustrated and I thought that-"

"Seth. It's okay. It doesn't mean anything anymore. It doesn't matter."

Seth was pretty sure it did matter. What he'd said had been horrible. It didn't matter whether he'd meant it or not.

"It's _okay_."

Ryan pushed him gently against the mattress, kissing him thoroughly, and Seth began to get lost in a pleasant haze.

"Don't you have to meet Marissa?"

"She can wait."

Seth smiled.

It was about time.

* * *

tbc. 


End file.
